I have a very loving relationship with my adult son. However there are times when he distances himself from me for no apparent reason. He doesn't answer my calls or texts even after I've tried him several times. This makes my heart heavy. He lives in another state so the tendency to worry about him is always there. He is a responsible young man, but at the same time I find it irresponsible for him to not answer when I call. Can anyone help me to cut the apron strings even though it makes me sad.
By Kathy
Add your voice! Click below to answer. ThriftyFun is powered by your wisdom!
Always remember that you will soon hear if there is anything wrong. No news is good news.
I rarely initiate contact with my adult daughters, waiting for them to call first, which they do when they have time and feel like chatting. Their work is more demanding than mine, because of our different stages in life.
Your son is likely to be very preoccupied with his work, rather than wanting to reject you.
I do not call my children unless there is an emergency. I can remember my 7th grade teacher telling us that she never questions her children and they talk her ears off. Well, I live my life like that too and believe me it works. If the child thinks you are not interested they will talk and talk and talk.
I've so been there-done that! My 32yo is horrible about keeping in contact, and to be honest it does hurt. I am managing (sort-of:) by telling myself no news is good news, and he's busy with his rather demanding career.
I try not to email too often, once a week, and I keep it very light - 'Hi Son, just a quick note to say I'm fine and all's well here. Hope it's the same there.' Sometimes he replies (BONUS!!) and he does say he's terrible for not being better about keeping in touch but his job keeps him going and going and going...
I have friends in the city where he lives and they do keep me updated - I know if anything happened to him they would let me know straightaway and that's something of a comfort.
It's hardest at the holidays when he leaves it too late to send a greeting, but I did get a nice Mother's Day greeting this year!
I am not your son, so not sure why he distances himself. But there are times when I distance myself from my Mum. Not because I do not love her. But sometimes to protect her.
If I am not feeling well, stressed, tired or just plain cranky, I don't want Mum to see / hear me like this.
My Mum lives in another state of Australia & when I needed medical help, I thought it kinder not to tell her her too much, because of her age & the distance. She grew so worried you crossed the country anyhow.
Maybe there is nothing wrong with your son, other than he is a considerate, caring man, who doesn't have adult children to fret & worry over. I guess, only a parent can worry like a parent.
A parent I am sure has an intuition too, is there a part of your sons life he is coming to terms with, some part he feels you won't understand or condone?
Remind your son you love him & if you feel you can love him unconditionally remind him of that too. Say, darling I miss you, tell me everything.
All the very best for you both.
Nancy Reagan when she was having a problem with her daughter got some really good advice from her mother. She said: "Children come and children go but your husband will always be there."
It's hard to remember that when our hearts are aching to see or hear from them, or you don't have your husband anymore. Know that you are not alone.
Thats bull. My husband left just like my sons. For another woman. No Im not a big problem, but loving and kind. The other woman gets my families attention, my grandchild, etc.
Hi - you are in a difficult position (that many of us are now in or have been at one point) so any advice will only be from experience and may not fit your particular situation.
When one of my sons moved away years ago it was very difficult to adjust from seeing him everyday to almost no communication! I know I "bugged" him (calls and letters) but he told me one day that it would take him time to adjust also and he needed more "free" time. I learned to "bug" him less and he has adjusted (not as much as I would like!).
Another son married and communication was almost lost completely but after several years (of not bugging) he has adjusted also. Sometimes just time is needed??
Another son went in the Air Force, married, settled down in California and I hear from him about 2 - 4 times per year...
All I am saying is that children generally do their own "thing" and mothers sometimes just have to be the one to adjust to their schedule.
Try to slack off on calls especially as calls from "Mom" can sometimes be embarrassing and will be ignored (sometimes more & more!).
Please try not to make him feel guilty about not taking your calls or answering your emails as that may tend to drive him away even more.
I've noticed that the less I call my out-of-town Daughter the more she calls me. Oftentimes I've called her and she won't answer or return my call or will say "I'm busy I'll call you back" but won't for days. I've had the habit of jumping every time she calls so I've turned the table and if I'm busy I do what she does and either don't answer or call when I get ready. If it's all that urgent she'll leave a message. Our kids need to know we are people and have a life outside of them. I don't think they would ignore or not return calls to a friend.
I am 85 years old, so you know I have "been there and done that". The best advice I can give is to stop e-mailing and texting him. After a while he will wonder why he hasn't heard from you and will be in touch. Tell him how busy you are and have very little time to spare. He will be relieved to know that you have a life apart from him. As parents, we tend to forget that our children have lives and responsibilities of their own. I once read an old proverb that said - "First, teach your children to walk - then teach them to walk away". Be glad that you have raised a son who is confident enough to walk away. Best wishes. Joan from Chesterfield, MI
As a daughter with adult children, I will tell you why I sometimes find my mom's calls annoying. She does not phone me to tell me of the interesting things she is doing or to see what interesting things I am doing, but to "see if I am all right" or to "see if the boys are all right".
This was particularly annoying when I was a divorced mom living with my teenagers, as she didn't make these terribly concerned calls when I was with my ex. Rather than feel happy that she called, the calls made me feel like my mom didn't have any confidence in me to look after my children. Think about the calls and texts that you are sending. Are they happy calls that one would like to receive? Or do they cause your son worry and upset, or make him feel guilty and harried?
Glad for this question. I've been depressed for months because my son has stopped calling me, sending me holiday cards including my birthday, etc. After reading the posts I now realize that this is a natural progression for son's. Like the old saying goes: A Son is a Son until he takes a wife. But, a Daughter is a Daughter all of her life.
I understand what all the mothers are saying and I appreciate all the good advice. But... my son lives 3 miles away and I don't see him or my Grandkids as much as I'd like. Lately it's only on holidays. I have tried for 10 years to fit in his life and I have pretty much given up. It has hurt me immensely. Especially when I have friends whose children treat them very well. Any advice is welcome!
This is exactly my situation. I feel like giving up too. I have tried about everything that has been suggested. I let him alone and he doesn't call. I text him and many times he doesn't answer at all.
Well, my least favorite day of the year Has come and gone. Mother's Day. I never know if my only son will even remember me. I got a text to have a good day. Better than nothing I guess.
I really feel your pain, my son is 18 years old and he has suddenly distanced himself from me. He no longer shares things like he used to, he even complains when I attend to his school matters. I have tried to accommodate his friends even though I preferred a much ambitious company for him. I suspect he has started smoking, I miss him so much and its tearing me apart...I cry everyday and night
Add your voice! Click below to answer. ThriftyFun is powered by your wisdom!
