What do you think of an adult daughter whose only excuse for not giving me a Christmas gift; BD gift; or Mother's day gift is "you're hard to buy for, I'll have to be creative"? She's going on 40 so you'd think by now she'd know what I like.
She has just texted to tell me about the expensive gifts her new husband had given her, but no mention of the ones I'd just given her and her son. I don't think this would bother me so much if it weren't for the fact that my BD will be in a few weeks; she sends a card, but it's always at least a week later.
In her other marriage money was the issue, but now that's not the case. I always felt sorry for her and the kids so I've always done way more than I should. It's hard to break the "care giver, enabler" mode, but I always forget the next Christmas or BD. I know someone is going to tell me I raised her this way and/or when giving a gift you should not expect one in return. You're all right, but non-the-less I'd still hurt.
By weinerdog41 from Lubbock, TX
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I would spend/contribute to an individual in need, an animal rescue, your favorite charity or what strikes you. At birthday time after donation, send her a note that you donated to ------ in her name. If her son has no gratitude or shows any respect for you, I would do the same. Fill a Christmas stocking you fill with bits and pieces through the year for someone who has little, is alone, or needy.
Stop sending her (and the grandchildren-when was the last time you got a thank-you from them?) gifts. Send a card (no money inside) but leave it at that. If she brings it up tell her the truth-it hurts when she forgets you on gift-giving occasions, and btw it also hurts that she consistently sends belated birthday greetings.
When she throws out that tired 'But it's the thought that counts!', counter with one word-"Precisely!" How do I know this? Raising an ungrateful child hurts. You didn't raise her to be that way but she is that way, and it hurts!
My daughter is 35, my son 30. Both of them did this to me. So when the shock of my "Precisely" hit them, they really tuned me out for a while. Which hurt even more but I figured that if all I was to them was a fount of gifts and money, then the heck with it. My son came around, the daughter still thinks I'm a monster. (Shrug. I'm over it. But it took a while.)
I used the money I would have used for them to take two Angels from the annual Salvation Army Angel Tree. (When my son finally came around I told him about the Angel Tree-he takes an Angel every year now, too.)
My son took over three years to get over the shock. We had a good long discussion about the issue-cleared up a lot of things he never talked to me about before including a lot of his behaviours after I divorced their father when he was 17.
I hope things work out for you and your daughter the way things have for me and my son. He tells me one of the reasons it was so easy to be that way towards me was because although I didn't raise him to be that, watching the way his father treated me (no gifts, no cards, no consideration, no respect) taught him to see me as something of a 'doormat' even though deep down inside he knew that was wrong. He watched my ex (and his family) treat me with disrespect, and when I continued to treat them with respect he thought I was stupid, frankly. While I didn't raise him that way, watching others did raise him that way.
So there might be something else going on with your daughter-she may have grown up seeing you walked all over as you treated others with respect that wasn't returned. There's not a lot you can do about it except to stop knocking yourself out for her, and hope one day she is ready to talk.
I'm praying for you. The most hurtful thing in parenting is thinking your kids don't care about you.
Unfortunately, there are thousands of parents with the similar situation. Many say that to refocus on the 'reason for the season' helps them expel the emotional bagage that builds up from dealing with unthoughtful offspring.
You mentioned that you 'care take' for your daughter. Stop! You are enabling her self centered behavior. And don't let her tell you, her kids need things. Many self absorbed people use their children as a means to extract money, services, and gifts from their families.
Start the new year treating your wallet and your mental health to a break. Your child is grown. You have done your moral job. Thousands of people are less fortunate and actually deserve help. Some, however, chose their life path with the intentions of having others 'take care' of them. Best wishes and prayers for a solution to your situation.
I did not say I took care of my Daughter; I said I did too much for her and her son. That's not quite the same as taking care of her. Just wanted to make that clear.
I have a daughter that is 48 years old and basically does the same thing. It is always "give me, give me." Never asking if I need help with something and she wasn't raised that way. I have two friends with daughters the same way. I have another friend that has four sons and she always says she is glad she lives in SD, and all her sons and grandkids live out in Washington. I think it must be something in some kids, it could be genetic from way back in the ancestors.
Stop giving to her and if your grandkids are small give to them only. Find an elderly person in your neighborhood or ask around and take the money you would spend on her and buy them something like a grocery store gift card. I have found that elderly people live on a budget and sometimes when they have medicine to buy food gets put off. At Christmas adopt a family and buy for them instead. On your birthday take someone out to dinner who you know don't eat out much and celebrate with them.
Suggest how much you would like a gift card, like from Amazon.com or anywhere else you shop or eat out then buy exactly what you would have liked her to buy for you and tell her Thank you, I got XXXX, just what I wished for. Hopefully her children won't be so thoughtless. You might also tell her you put her name on YOUR gift and even wrapped it. That would be a little snide but sometimes it takes that to get the message across. Or you might buy your self a big bouquet of flowers and do the same. Pick out a nice card and be sure to display it when she's visiting.
I think she is just careless and lazy. I have three sons, and the oldest sometimes takes a notion to not celebrate Christmas or something. At other times, he gives thoughtful gifts, and I expect your daughter might do so as well if she tried. I would stop giving her gifts and just send a card, or maybe a small gift, like Christmas teatowels or something very small. I would continue to give gifts to your grandson, and quit for him when he got old enough to know he should be giving Grandma something - in the teens.
Or, another possibility, is to phone her up close to your birthday and suggest she take you out for supper or to a movie or whatever you might like. You could also give her a list of things you would like - say "you say I'm hard to buy for, so here is a list of things I would like." - I give Christmas lists to my sons, and ask them what they want for Christmas. It sort of spoils the surprise, but two of them are much happier having some idea of what I'd like.
Today is my birthday. Two of my five children have not so much I said happy birthday. One son who lives with me at the age of 30 decided that I should have a spotlight camera above my garage that has a camera on it. He offered to go halves on it. I wasn't very happy about that idea since I did not want to buy one right away. I already have the spotlight, it just does not have a camera. But I went to Lowe's with him and we picked one out for $169. So I'm thinking he's going to pay like $85 for that and of course half of the installation which was $100 ($50 each). We get to the register and the lady informed us that it is a $100 installation fee. He responds by saying I will pay the $100 and that will be your birthday present. I paid the full price for the spotlight camera. He has the app installed on his cell phone but I have no idea what that app is and I can't see anything. It gets better, my 34-year-old daughter gives the worst gifts ever. She is very selfish and self-centered so she always looks for the cheapest thing she can find in the clearance aisle of course. So this year I decided to put some things in my Amazon cart since she has access to my Amazon prime. And asked her to choose something from there as my gift. A couple of days later she informs me that she's not going to get me something that I want for my birthday but instead will be getting me something that she wants me to have. She just dropped off an Untreated tiny knee-high wooden sign that says spoiled dogs live here, as well as a piece of a tree stump, yes literally, that someone painted an "O" on for Ohio State. This is also untreated. I figured both things will be rotted by springtime and then I'll finally be able to throw them away. I guess I should feel a little bit better about the cheap black sweatshirt that someone bejeweled Ohio State on, at least until I wash it and the jews fall off. I intend to buy her clearance gifts only for the holidays this year, AND in The wrong sizes. Not a damn thing for 2 of them. And looking for something that my son can buy for himself that will benefit me and then I can pay for installation.
You have to use what is known as "tough".
1. I feel there is no respectful thoughts in this situation, or consideration. You will have to treat her with the same consideration. Do not give her a gift. Sometimes we have to show our children how one feels in the same situation. Perhaps you need to do unto others as she has done unto you. It will hurt you more, but that's why its called tough love.
2. If it bothers you, you should tell her how you feel. She cant read your mind. Maybe theres a misunderstanding.
Be honest, Be Wise, Be loving...
3. Thats the only 2 choices I feel you have. Kids will be kids, even @ 40.
Unfortunately, that village that it takes to raise a child sometimes has more influence than we wish. The values that you taught your child were not the only ones she was exposed to. She is an adult now. Her values are not so much a reflection on you as on her life choices, and she will have to bear the consequences of her choices.
Please do not get caught up in "I can change them". This works on grown children about as much as it works on boyfriends. Focus on your actions and feelings, not hers. What can you do to make yourself happy with the situation? Listen to the advice of others then decide what actions will leave you satisfied - not regretful.
I have 2 daughters and one is like yours. Until this year I was like you always giving and looking the other way. This year her circumstances have changed and when she started in with the same, "I didn't get you and dad anything because", it flew all over me. I had purchased her a few $1 items I thought she would like and had put money in envelopes for her and her husband. Well, I simply walked over to her bags and pulled the envelopes out and told my other daughter in private what I did and handed her and her husbands gift envelopes in private and smiled. I had extra money that I am spending on myself and dad this year. I am still not sorry.
I had the same problem with my parents, believe it or not. They always gave my older brother and his two kids lots of money and expensive gifts - they said that he needed them. They gave my younger sister and her kids nice gifts too - after all, she's their baby. I and my family repeatedly got nothing. It hurt bad enough when it was just me, but after I had my child and they totally ignored him, the pain was almost intolerable.
My mom would brag about what gifts she got her other grandchildren to me; I was lucky if she remembered to give mine an empty card. Every year, we bought them nice gifts. At times, we'd go in together with my sister's family to buy them a really special something - they never acknowledged it. They'd tell me what a wonderful gift my sister bought them, and when I told them we paid for at least half of it, they ignored me and bragged to everyone about the gift coming only from her.
Finally, one year after spending a nice sum of money on them, they whined and complained about my gift in depth, telling me that I wasted my money, they were never going to use it, it was lousy, blah, blah, blah, and next time don't bother getting them anything at all. I found out that it was something they really wanted, but they put my gift in the closet and bought a similar, though not as nice one, for themselves, which they used constantly.
I just decided to take them at their word and not get them anything from then on. I never said anything to them about it, and let me tell you, they made it known that they realized I quit bending over backwards for them. They could not figure out why I stopped buying them gifts, and they never caught on that it was because of the way they treated my family and myself.
They still never bought any of us gifts. But it took loads of stress away from myself, both from not having to look for the perfect gift and not having to listen to them complain about it. To tell the truth, I think they missed complaining more than anything. I've just decided, family or not, no one was ever going to treat myself or my family disrespectfully again - even if they are my parents.
I never looked back and I refused to allow myself to feel guilty, and it was the best gift I have ever given to myself. We do teach people how to treat us, and they learn quickly how to walk all over us if we allow them to; they also stop doing it when we make them - although they may not like it - but that's their problem to work through, not ours.
This is horrible. I don't care if they're family, they way they treat you is unconscionable. I would distance myself from them because they're only gonna cause you pain.
How truly sad and what crummy parents you have to treat you that way.
May be you should stop making some gifts to her and spending money. Why, instead - everytime you think of her - send love thoughts and only that, you will notice after a while that she changes her way of being. Just in case she does not, it is her problem and she might - sooner or later - have the same experience with her own children...
I can't believe the response I've gotten after posting this. I feel better knowing they are other Mothers who understand how hurtful this can be. My Daughter is the only person in my life that I've allowed to get away with this. I don't care what time of the day or night she calls I always answer. My Daughter won't answer her phone unless it's convenient for her. I can understand not answering when it's just "someone" but your Mother is not just someone.
It's my birthday is 2 weeks and she'll probably call but I've decided to turn off the phones and go get a massage. And in about a week after my birthday I'll get her card in the mail.
Where is it written that she must give you a gift? A gift should come from the heart, not from a sense of obligation.
You are her mother, be upfront with her. Tell her how you feel, ask her if it is stressful for her to buy the "perfect' gift for you. I think you both would be better off with a discussion, culminating in agreeing to stop the gift giving altogether.
I am a mother, grandmother and great grandmother. I know how my family struggled with buying me a gift, ditto for me. Holidays were being dreaded. Expectations were not always met.
Get over your pity party, you are a grown woman, just be glad she has contact with you, enjoy every minute you have together. People,, not things, are the important things in life.
I think you're being a bit harsh. She has a right to her feelings. You don't care for the gratitude and acknowledgement, but others may feel differently. No one should tell another how to FEEL.
Hey...you claim people are more important...yes, understandable BUT NOT TO BE ACKNOWLEDGE from Your own child is disrespectful. Especially when, they expect monies and gifts from you/ their parents for every holiday and birthday. Get real lady! We know it's the thought that counts.....But these adult daughter's or sons Do Not Even Consider a phone call...or I just call to say I love you etc. Get Real
Pity party? Thats insensitive right there. Maybe because you are like her daughter? I know and understand completely what shes going through. They say its the thought that counts.. well receiving nothing every year hurts that im not even in her thoughts. we are allowed to feel hurt.
Give only to your grandchildren and if they are old enough to say thank-you and don't skip them too. My children weren't raised to be hurtful and rude as I'm sure yours weren't either but "forgetting" them I'm sure will send a clear message. Personally I don't care about the gift itself, I just want to be remembered and when one is not it hurts your feelings greatly.
If she is 40 years old it is unrealistic to think that she will change. I suspect dissappointment at Holiday time will always be there until you understand that gifts from her should not be expected. This is just how she is. I don't mean to hurt your feelings more.....but this is from the heart.
This happened to me this year at Christmas. I too have always done too much for my daughter, who is now 35 and lives in Europe with her husband and twin sons. She told me several months ago what to get for the twins as well as what to send for herself and hubby. I did this, spending several hundred dollars.
Christmas came and went, and I received nothing. Thinking the gift they sent might have gotten lost in the mail, or over the Internet, I wrote to her and mentioned I didn't receive her gift. She responded, "Yeah, I ran out of money." After Christmas, however, she left for a trip across Europe! She is my only child, and I live alone. Christmas was very sad this year. I am striving to move past this feeling of sadness regarding the Christmas gift.
I want to start off by saying that I love my children more than life but every holiday becomes a depressing occasion because I feel hurt by the underwhelming gifts I get from my adult children. I dont do cards bc I feel they are over priced and old school in the days of internet. I always get a text message wishing me happy birthday, Mothers day etc. but I feel that I get cheated out of gifts. I always give my adult kids at least a few hundred dollars for occasions, this year for my birthday I got a joint gift for my birthday costing no more than 50 dollars and for mothers day nothing....I know it sounds petty, I am a middle child and have grown up with a persecution complex . I think that because I feel no self worth, my children feed from that, when they say they didnt know what to get me as I am the worst person to buy for, I lead them to believe that I dont matter and not to worry about it. My husband has always not cared whether a like a gift but gets me something out of obligation.... bottom line is, it hurts, I feel sorry for myself, but its my own doing.... my children are 36 and 33 and bother earn three times what i do....
No, it's not fair. I raised 2 children ages 31 and 26....for the last 2 years...no mother's day card or phone call....just heartbroken. They were raised in church, to think of others.....what do others think
I have an adult daughter who is 41 yrs. old. She never ever gives me a gift. She has before in the past, but in the last six or seven years I've received nothing. Yesterday was my birthday & I would have been thrilled to have even received a text, although I would prefer a phone call. I heard nothing, and didn't even receive a card in the mail. Last week I sent money to her for herself, husband & my four grandchildren. I see she cashed the check & never even bothered to thank me! She lives four hours from me, and I visited there at Thanksgiving, so it really hurts to be treated like this. She knew it was my birthday because we discussed it, she just seems to think I'm no big deal even though I'm the lady who gave her life. I wonder why she does this to me. I cried several times yesterday wondering why she couldn't send a quick video of her & the grandchildren saying happy birthday on the cell phone. I know my grandchildren would have loved doing it, but their mother, my daughter, is in total control of them since they're still young. I'm so grateful to have found this site, I thought I was the only one treated like this. I even have spent Christmas with them & watched all of them opening up gifts & received NOTHING. I wouldn't want much, but how difficult would it be to pick up a coffee cup, a pair of slippers or some small little thing to let me know I'm thought of too? (I always gave my father something when he spent Christmas with my daughter & I. I can't even imagine not giving him anything while we opened up gifts) I was touched when one of my grandchildren said there's something under the tree for Grandma. My heart skipped a beat when she said that! It was a homemade card she made for me I will keep forever. At least she did think of me. I know the other grandchildren love me too. They are never told to thank me for gifts when I send them gifts; I feel sorry for them being taught this by their mother & father. I don't get why neither my daughter or her husband can say thank you. It seems to be something that is part of this particular generation. I raised my daughter to say thank you, she just doesn't want to do it, and she seems to think birthday gifts & Christmas gifts should just be for her & her husband & children. I would like to not give her anything again to tell you the truth, but I know if I did that she would stop me from seeing my grandchildren. I have to give her money, because when I try to give her something I've picked out for her she sneers & acts disappointed in what I got her. I do give her less than what I would give her if she acted nicer, she doesn't know that, but it's my little secret. I spend it on myself. I've considered giving her less in my will when I die, and giving more to my grandchildren. I just wonder how she would like to be treated like this from her children someday.
Thank you for posting this article. It has really helped me and great to know I'm not alone despite the circumstances.
Lately I have had to question myself 'Did I bring up my kids to be like this?'.I am a Mum of four adult children. I was a single Mum. My youngest is 23 yrs old and my eldest 35. I have always given them gifts for Christmas and Birthdays.
Yet I have never received a birthday present and never a card. I send them money when they need it and try to be generous when I can.
I think I will donate to charity this year and stop. I'm sick of it. Just once a gesture of kindnesss would be lovely. Makes me sad.
I'm sorry that your children are not more thoughtful. I would talk to them before sending money to charity, so they understand where you are coming from. They probably are just worrying about their own lives and are taking you for granted. It's easy to get into a habit where you are focused on yourself to the exclusion of others. If a talk doesn't help, then I would move to the next step.
I have the same thing with my daughter who's 44. I buy birthday gifts, and Christmas gifts and go out of my way to do nice things for her, but gifts are hit or miss with her. Last Mother's day, it broke my heart that she didn't think enough of me to get a gift. I did get a quick call but still went to bed very sad, wondering if I was that terrible a mother. Now Christmas came, and no mention of a present although I bought gifts for her and her husband. There was no trouble with them exchanging expensive gifts. It really makes me feel bad that she's so selfish or lazy. I always bought my Mom gifts. Same deal with my stepson, money is no object when buying for themselves and they never seem too appreciative of our gifts. I think next year there will be donations to a good charity in their name....killing 2 birds with one stone.
Glad I found this web sit. I can identify with all posts. I have decided to make a donation to a charity with the money I have as gifts for my children / partners and grandson. I have not seen them since 15 Dec when I was taken out for a belated birthday coffee. Daughter could not do it on the day she was 'hung over'. The new year is almost here an my resolution is look after me and the friends that have given me support and unconditional support at one of the most devastating time of my life.
I understand the hurt everyone is expressing on this forum. I have 3 grown daughters. The youngest has autism and has demanded more of my time and attention her whole life. Although I tried to be the best mom I could, I love all 3 of them immensely, I think the other two felt some sort of neglect. Now, fast forward 15 years and my middle daughter and my youngest are sweet, loving and call me or write a card on my bday. My oldest doesnt acknowledge at all, but not just my bday but also her sisters. She doesnt buy Christmas gifts for anyone, even complains about gifts I give her. Some adult children grow up to be ungrateful people. Ive beat myself up for 10 years wondering how I raised such a self centered person. But shes made some bad choices in life (alcohol abuse, and marijuana) that I think contribute to her behavior. But its hard to not be sad.
My 32 year old son -only child - has not visited me in 2 years (lives out of state, but can fly easily). I have given him tons of emotional and financial support, but he does not send me Mothers Day or bday cards of gifts (I lavish gifts on his occasions) and he doesnt even thank me for mine. I think he has narcissistic tendencies - entitlement, lack of empathy, grandiosity. But hes super nice to others. Ive asked repeatedly if Ive done something to hurt him and he says no. Im sick of being a doormat, but hes my only family. I feel trapped being nice to a selfish ingrate.
My daughter said my gift for my birthday was going to be late but I never got it. That was in July! Now I know she has no intentions of sending me anything for Christmas either. I know very well she and her husband sent his family something. I dont count. I might as well be dead!!
I was so hurt on Mother's Day, nothing. Just decided I'm going away for my Birthday and Christmas this year then I won't be disappointed like last year. A card would have been enough for me.
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