In my divorce 4 years ago, I retained possession of the house with the understanding that I continue to pay the full mortgage, and when our youngest child graduates (She's a junior this year) I prep and sell it with the majority of proceeds going to me.
Going on three years ago now, my girlfriend moved in with me from another town (I can't move yet because of my kids); had been living in her mom's place (which I thought was hers when we met) and then rented a trailer from a friend in the other town for about 6 months before moving to my house full time.
For reference, I am an accountant working full-time Monday through Friday. She owns a commercial cleaning business, has 3 employees in the town she moved here from; 1 employee here, and does the buildings she's got her mostly on her own; she leaves around 4am and is back home around 7am M-F, plus about 4 hours on Sundays. While she's pretty secretive about her finances / situation, I believe we make pretty similar incomes.
When she first moved in, she wanted to see the power bill, utilities, etc and made an effort to help pay for household expenses, would go grocery shopping with me and either split or pay for all. Over the last year and a half; however that has severely tapered off. She hasn't paid anything towards utilities in about 2 years, and rarely pays anything towards groceries anymore. If we're completely out of, say, dog food she'll buy a small bag; then I get a 50lb bag on my weekly trip to Wal-Mart, etc. I get that I have two teenagers and technically own the house; but I feel like she's essentially living rent free in an expensive town. She spends all her $$ on her horses that are boarded; spends her days visiting them or going to the gym, or I don't know what else. I'm at work 8am until 5 or later, get home, have to feed everyone and am usually exhausted. Her main issue with me is that I don't spend enough "date" time with her and am not affectionate enough. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of, and I'm mostly just exhausted all the time. Am I expecting too much by wanting a contribution towards household costs? Am I a jerk?
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Divorced 4 years ago.
Girlfriend from another town moved in going on 3 years ago.
From your comment about your girlfriend lying about 'owning' her mother's place, I would think this type of thinking may be what she is doing now - thinking she has a right to live in your house without any of the responsibilities of a partner.
I'm just trying to look at this differently than just 'growing apart'.
This is why I'm trying to see this from her position.
You have allowed this behavior for over a year and a half so why should she want to volunteer to start 'sharing' expenses again?
It appears that she does not share any of the responsibilities of maintaining the everyday responsibilities of running a household so I'm thinking you have probably not really discussed a lot of things that should have been set in 'stone' before she moved in.
I feel sure she believes the mortgage should be your responsibility but since it is very apparent that she is making a good income, she should feel that paying her way is something she should be doing.
Since you are allowing this to happen, why should she change?
The ball is in your court; why not have a good discussion about everything that is bothering you and see if she will express how she feels?
You should do a lot of thinking about how you will feel if no changes on her part are made.
Do you continue as is or?
Frankly, in what you describe, I did not notice any tender feelings on your part for your girlfriend. You write about the house she lived in 'which I THOUGHT was hers when we met'. These are your thoughts and I hope you didn't date her because you thought she had a house.
You are not a jerk. However, she may not contribute or even leave the premises. I would consult with a lawyer.
She may not understand just how important this is to you, this why just talk to her. Talking about money is uncomfortable but it needs to be done.
She should be contributing to the household finances in some way, for example paying the bills, groceries, etc. And I think it is Ok for one person to pay more if they earn more. You should discuss money matters.
No, you are definitely not a jerk. Your friend should be helping out with the bills. That's very unfair of her to expect to live there w/o helping. (Your friend also has expensive hobbies...so lack of $ shouldn't be an issue.) It may be a difficult conversation...but it's definitely time to air your frustrations. Good luck with everything.
Unfortunately, yes, or at least someone whose judgment is clouded by love. This is an unfair situation. Your first obligation is to your children and part of that obligation is preparing for the future, and by largely supporting an extra person now you are diminishing the future stability for you and the children. If she is not willing to pay a fair pro-rate share, she should go back to her trailer. Good luck.
Why have you allowed this to go on for two years and not talked to her about it? She's definitely not paying her part and taking advantage of you. Let her know how exhausted you are working long hours to pay all the bills while she lives rent free. Tell her that before the relationship can move forward the two of you need a long conversation regarding money. You both need to be transparent regarding income so both can pay a percentage toward all bills or she at least needs to pay a fixed amount of "rent" going toward her use of utilities, food, rent, etc.
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