So my husband and I moved into our new house last April. A month after, my brother in-law bought a house, not a block away, and moved from Minnesota. At first, it was all great because my brother-in-law travels a lot for his work, but then the traveling stopped and now it has been a few months that he has been working from home.
Every night without fault he texts me and my husband about what are the dinner plans? My husband and his brother are best friends. I know I am being selfish, but I feel like the third wheel when there is a discussion they always team up and I am outnumbered. He comes to dinner every night of the week and during the weekend we even have lunch with him.
I told my husband that it has to stop. That if he wants us to be happy his brother needs to stop coming to dinner every night. He said I was threatening him with divorce by saying that and to think about his brother because he does not have a significant other and no friends but him in the area.
I feel very sad of how things came out of my mouth because when I am angry, everything spills out like the flood. But it was never my intention to threaten divorce or that I was going to be unhappy until I got my way.
How do I explain to him how I feel? How do I explain to him that we should put our marriage first? That our family should be him, me, and our baby and everyone else can be part of that in small doses?
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You are entitled to time as a couple. Your husband has to tell his brother that. Tell him that he is welcome to come when he is invited, and do incite him a few times a month.
Yes, it's just not right for it to be that often. I agree, bring some friends over so he can make new friends and go out and do things without the two of you. Maybe even offer up ideas on how to make friends online (friendmatch.com) or dating apps.
That sounds very frustrating to have to deal with a third party everyday for dinner and not to mention the weekends as well. Once in a while would be reasonable.
You should pull your husband aside and have a serious talk. Mention to him, it is very nice his brother moved nearby and great to have family nearby as well, but there are days where it has just have to be you and your small family (husband / yourself and baby) spending quality time with each other.
Voice out your opinion and I hope your husband can see the issue.
This is a very hard situation you are in. What I might do in such a case is to offer to make doggy bags for his brother and take them over. If he can't cook and has nobody around, maybe if you take him over a doggy bag each night he can stay at home to eat.
I might also suggest to your husband that it would be fine if his brother came on Wednesday and Sunday nights to your home to eat. The other night of the week you can deliver him some food to his home.
Another idea would be to suggest that he cook at his house and the three of you go over there to eat. This might stop a lot of the problems too. As long as your husband is in his home he feels it is safe to gang up on you. Maybe this would change if you went to his brother's house instead. This way you don't have to cook every night.
If you wanted to go to an extreme you could buy a few cans of stew, open them, heat them and put them on the table. Tell them, sorry you have a headache can don't feel like cooking or eating. Then go to your room. Do this for a few nights in a roll and maybe he will get the hint you are tired of cooking for him.
I can understand your brother in law coming once maybe, twice a week,but everyday is a bit much.Explain to your husband that you will tolerate two nights a week.Tell him you understand it is his brother,but at the same time you have become his family as well and you have his child.Explain to him you feel like they are ganging on you when there is a discussion.Also try introducing his brother to one of your single friends, maybe he will hitch up and not come as often.Refuse to cook dinner let your husband do it.I would confront his brother and tell him your feelings.If all this fails you will have too put up with it,if you want your marriage to work.Lets hope he finds a wife soon.Good luck!
First - does it appear that your brother-in-laws present state of employment will be a permanent thing or will he be returning to traveling in the near future? If any plans to travel are in the near future than maybe it would be best to be calm for a short time and see if that happens. If no plans to travel then you need a plan.
Second - Is there any reason why your brother-in-law is not making new friends? Girlfriend breakup? Personal problems/habits that keep/hinder him from meeting/making new friends?
Third - is there a financial problem that causes him to want to share your food? Or does he offer any compensation?
I personally believe that you will have to convince your husband (only when you are calm and collected and have a plan) that this is not a normal or good way for a family as you three need time to share activities/problems/love without including someone else in the mix. He should be able to have time with his brother but maybe there could be a compromise and two or three days a week at your house (only when you do not have other plans) and maybe you could think about your husband going to the other house one day a week for just "brother" time?
This is not an uncommon problems as Thrifty Fun has had questions like this in the past. Here is a link so you can maybe see that it is a difficult situation and many people turn to others for help.
www.thriftyfun.com/
I know this question is a couple of years old, but I hope you stopped cooking for this freeloader.
If somebody repeatedly asked me what was for dinner, I'd say, "Whatever you want to fix."
My son made the mistake, when he was probably 10-12, of telling me it was my "duty" to cook supper for him and his dad. I sat on the couch for another hour, watching TV or reading, and then I told them, "I'm having cereal for supper. What are y'all having?'
I think his dad told him he'd better not ever tell me anything was my duty, if he wanted me to ever do it again.
Note--I was working fulltime, too.
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