I'm a 41 year old male. I have a good job, I start work everyday at 4:30 am and get home around 5:30 pm. My wife is a stay at home mom that doesn't clean, cook anymore, etc.
She had shoulder surgery a few weeks ago and has had a sitter watch the kids most of the time. I give her baths and help her change clothes, I cook for the kids, I wash the clothes, clean the house, and do all other chores. By the time I'm done I get to bed around 12 am. Since she sleeps most of the day she stays up at night.
My father was just put into a nursing home yesterday because he has Parkinson's and has been making poor decisions. My mother asked if I could visit him and bring his laptop, a pillow and $10 for the nurse to use for a haircut and drinks. My wife was supportive of this before I left to go bring him these things so things were pleasant. Oh by the way my wife is abusing her pain meds that the doctor gives her by taking too much at a time. She is also diabetic and taking Lexapro.
I went to the nursing home to take the items and talk to my dad and after about 45 minutes there she starts calling me on my cell phone telling me it's time to come home. She called repeatly over the next 15 minutes until I finally left. On my way home which is only 3.3 miles away she starts texting me, cursing me, calling me names, telling me to eat s%#t, and don't come home etc. She is accusing me of giving my dad more than $10 which is a joke and cursing me and telling me she hopes I die.
When I got home and she just goes off with the cuts and the threats in front of our 8 year old and 4 year old girls upsetting them. Saying how her and her mother think I'm a worthless piece of crap and that I am giving all our money away to him. She doesn't stop cutting me down and this goes on until around midnight. I attempted to take children to their grandmother's house to get away from her screaming and crazy talk but their grandmother must have not been home since we rang the doorbell, beat on door, called her house, and cell phone. We had to go back home then. I came in and went to sleep in the kids' room with them. My wife stayed up watching TV and smoking and fussing. I woke up for work and she started on me again this morning with the threats and cursing and the hoping that I will die on the way to work, calling me worthless and telling me how much her family hates me and thinks I'm worthless also.
She may be sweet when I get home, I don't know, but she does this in spurts and I don't know what to do. She will not go to counseling because she is in denial, I don't want to get a divorce because I don't want that for my children. My parents are divorced, her brother is divorced, and her other brother is married but has a girlfriend that he says is his soul mate. Her dad works in another state and has been cheating on her mom for years, but her mom doesn't seem to care as long as he is getting paid. She also was married for 6 weeks before we were married. I have known her since she was 16, but it's like she is getting meaner as the years go by. What should I do?
By Michael
Hi....you sound like you are going through a lot! I think you wife is addicted to pain meds and she sound depressed. You are right that she needs counseling and maybe an intervention. You might have to give her options like if she doesn't get help then X,Y, or Z will happen.
You need to get a divorce for the sake of yourself and your children. I have rheumatoid arthritis and have had several surgeries. My husband takes care of me and has for 23 years, I would never think of abusing him and calling him names. I live with constant pain [with r. a. and lupus]. He cooks, does laundry and shops. He is a gem. You sound like a wonderful guy.
Your wife is mean and I don't think it is the pain meds. You need to put her in the hospital or a nursing home. Call her doctor and explain the situation to him. Read him your letter and ask for his help. You sound like a great person. Stop suffering. Your wife is metally sick.
Cathy
Do you really think that you are doing the best for your children by letting them live in such an awful situation? Has it occurred to you that while you aren't there who are the logical people she would attack with her abusiveness?
It also seems to me that your wife has developed an addiction to her prescription pills. When a person comes off the drugs, she can get very moody. Discuss this with the doctor.
First off, I am sorry if you are really feeling stuck. It sounds like your wife is bipolar and that is a threat to you and your kids. I would go to children's protective services and ask their advice. Do not give them your address or take your kids with you.
Then, seek some medical advice from her doctors and literally count the meds she takes. If she is over medicating, it can change her in ways you can't believe.
When my mom was taking 17 drugs every day, she accused me of sleeping with her 80 year old companion, and told everyone in the family that I threatened to shoot her. She was mean to the very people she needed to keep her alive but it never occurred to her that it was anything but us.
Protect your children at all costs. Read the headlines about people who are sick and cause tragedies that you can't ever recover from...esp' when you might have been able to prevent it.
If that means a separation to protect them and you, then do it. History of divorce be darned.
Good luck.
Michael, you need to talk to someone locally - a professional that can give you both support. Some options are clergy, medical & family counseling services - check local listings or ask your family physician for references. From your description of your wife's behavior, she sounds similar to me when I had severe PMS. I was worse the closer I got to menopause. One thing that concerns me is her abuse of prescription drugs. That adds another dynamic which my husband & I didn't have to deal with. Thankfully, I was able to keep my family intact until I "outgrew" the condition. If I had other health problems, I might have lost my husband and son. By the way, my son grew up without any obvious problems, but we never know the full impact of our behavior - good or bad - on children until much, much later. We were a family of faith so prayer was our source of help. I encourage you to try it - & I will keep you and your family in mine.
Your wife may have suffered a stroke. Get her to a doctor!
I feel for you. Call her Doctor and let him know what is going on. Believe me she will be grateful when she is off the drugs and by calling the doctor you are taking away the abusive substance she is taking and helping her in the long run. You know the old saying if you let the bird go and it comes back to you it was meant for you. But if it doesn't, things were not meant to be.
Good luck!
I know what you are going through. My son had to get a divorce a couple of years ago because of his wife's behavior. She was staying out all night & he would call me because he needed someone to watch the children, she wasn't home. He had to settle for split custody one week with him one with her although she leaves them with him even on her time.
In this state the lawyer said it is hard to get full custody away from the mother. Her whole family has been on drugs her mother is in & out of prison or rehab her whole life & the wife's mother has been diagnosed bi polar. I think my son's ex wife has it too. She can't stick with things she doesn't cook or clean & only works a few hours a week.
His wife's grandmother the enabler of all of them has money & supports all of them. We worry so when she has them. They cry & want to stay with their daddy my son. He goes to all school parties, functions. She didn't even go to my granddaughter's kindergarten graduation.
We rally around our son & help him & we are a very close knit family. We watch the kids after school even when it is her week. We are nice to her for the children's sake & she never has had to worry or pay for babysitters. We are always available & my son has never turned her down once to have them. We help with money for lessons & extras where we can.
She pays for nothing not even school lunches yearbooks nothing. It is sad. I know you don't want to divorce he didn't either but sometimes you can't make that other person be the person they should be to do the right thing.
One Sad Grandma
Your wife sounds like she is addicted to prescription drugs. Get some help for her. She will only get worse. Prayers for you and your family.
Whether your wife is addicted to her pain meds or is bi-polar, take your kids and leave and see a lawyer first. Your kids should not be living like this. Then talk to your wife's doctor and tell him/her what is going on. Your wife won't likely go willingly. Talk to her and tell her that you are going to take care of the kids until she gets help. If she doesn't get that help you know that whatever is wrong with her is more important to her sick mind than you and the kids. Until she gets the help she needs, make the kids your first priority and continue to work with the doctor to try to get her taken care of. If that is not what she wants, start a new life.
I agree with all the above advice. I know how hard this is for you and how hurt you must feel. I have gone through a similar ordeal. Now my granddaughter is treating her husband much as your wife is treating you. She is classic ADHD and refuses any help. Doesn't think she needs it. She is not on any drugs but she is a drama junkie. She admits she loves drama.
Perhaps that is part of your wife's problem. As I tell my grandson-in-law, this is bigger than she is and bigger than you are. I don't know if you believe in God or Jesus, but God is bigger than any problem and He already knows how this is going to turn out. Just talk to Him and ask Him to guide you to the help you and your wife need. He isn't going to just fix it for you but He is just waiting to help you.
I know this from personal experience. I am 70 years old and have been through plenty and it's not over yet. God is still working in my life and wants to work in yours. Find a compassionate, God believing church. Talk to the minister. I have a long prayer list, Micheal, and I'm adding your name. Coincidence? My grandson-in-law is also named Michael. I always sign my posts LAGB.
Your life has way too much drama and confusion. Better the kids be from a confused home than living and growing up in one. See a lawyer. Get a divorce. Move on to sanity.
Embrace her like a child, tell her you love her and tell her warmly that you think it would be better for her if you got a divorce and that you are willing to do all the paper work. Don't be a wimp, don't whine and don't get into an argument.
This is a different approach than the advice below mine but this would have worked with me. It would have showed me that there is a limit to my bad behavior.
I hope it all turns out well :-)
I think you know what ideally should be done - take kids and leave etc. - but I'm assuming that is not workable b/c of money, no place to go, etc. First tell the kids that their mom is sick and they should try not to listen to her rants. Then tell her she is sick and you will take her to doctor's to get help. If she won't go, tell her calmly that you love her and the kids but can't live like this any more and if she won't let you help her you have to leave. Then do it. Go to your mother's or some other place that won't cost you. If she calls you and is sweet, tell her nothing doing until she lets you help her. Believe me, this will be better for the kids than letting them see her abuse you. Good luck. Let us know what happens please.
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I am 42 years old. I've been divorced once. For my own bitterness issues, I dated my current wife for 4 years before we got married and even still I had not healed completely for about 3 years after that. That being said I had been pretty hard to live with up until the time I decided to quit living in a pity party for myself.
We have 3 children (the oldest is hers). She is a "stay at home mom" I think is what she calls it. It is something that I was never in the mix, as far as making that decision, when she decided that after our 1st child was born. She called her employer the day her maternity leave was up and said that she wasn't coming back. What else is upsetting to me is that "every" time we have a disagreement, it's as if she snaps and becomes abusive, hurling unwarranted profanity and insults, dropping the "F-BOMB" like it was common place. I know that I've have been difficult a lot when I was getting over myself, but I don't think that this is something that I have caused her to engage in. I have "never" spoken to her like that. Even more upsetting, she does all this in front of the kids! When I ask her to not talk like that, especially in front of them she starts all the more! Any suggestions?
By kj
Individual or couple's counseling may help you and your wife resolve conflicts more productively. If she won't go with or without you, go on your own.
It's difficult to address your specific circumstances, but here are some general tips:
Does your wife generally snap in response to mundane, routine issues or is she reacting to a deeper sense of hurt or insecurity? Try to identify patterns, and seek her input for constructive solutions. For day-to-day frustrations, sometimes something as simple as writing down objectives on a dry-erase board or family calendar will help restore a sense of control over what takes place in the household.
When dealing with your wife's frustrations, listen first. When you do respond, validate what you can. For example, do you feel as a stay-at-home mom she should be able to accomplish more while you're at work? Perhaps it is time for a medical checkup if she feels too overwhelmed and exhausted to keep up (she may, for example, suffer from a hormonal imbalance). In the meantime, resist the urge to criticize. Even when criticism seems deserved, it is rarely a solid motivator. Instead, engage in "positive reinforcement", praising any progress or improvement you see no matter how small. If you've been singling out the behavior you don't want to see, model the behavior you'd rather see instead.
Identify supportive steps you can take to address her overall level of stress. For instance, does your wife feel isolated in her stay-at-home role? If so, encourage her in pursuits that she finds personally and socially enriching, and designate a regular date night to restore a positive rapport. Men have their "man caves" and Mom may need one, too.
If all else fails, the last and most controversial but potentially effective tip is to see if she will consent to a "mommy cam". If she can see how she behaves on camera during a verbally abusive argument - providing she views the footage later, after the issue in question is resolved - she might be persuaded to seek professional help. I am aware of this approach helping an individual whose friends felt he had an alcohol abuse problem. He remain unconvinced about his need for help until his friends showed him footage of his abusive behavior while he was drunk.
Like the last person suggested, let her see how she is acting on camera. Try getting her to sit down with you and have a talk, try to find out why this is happening and what you both can do about it. It's got to be give and take on both sides.
If these two suggestions fail, then it's no use both of you being miserable. It will be a difficult time for you if you have to seperate, but it maybe the only way.
Gail
When she starts up with this talk, gather the kids and leave the house for awhile. So sorry you and the kids have to hear this.
