After 42 years of dealing with my husband's verbal abuse and bullying; should I stay? My husband was bossy and a bit of a bully before we got married. Since then he has found every reason to blame everything that goes wrong in his world on me. When we were first dating, he refused to bring me to my high school prom, (he went to both of his), then later on he let his family walk all over me.
When our first child was born, he was disappointed and even let his obnoxious mother comment that she would have to wait on his brother to get them the boy. This she said in front of my mother. My husband would not let me raise the baby as I saw fit. If I held her down to get medicine in her, as the doctor had instructed me to do, he would yell at me, and one day he actually shoved me. Once our daughter got old enough to not need diapers or bottles, he would take her and do things that made me look like the mean one.
I could go on and on, but the bottom line is that every 6 weeks or so, my husband picks a fight about something and has done it for 42 yrs. and if I fight him back, lt gets nasty for me and the kids.
He is not like this with anyone else, he puts on a goody goody act, but can snap right back into his troll act at will. He has criticized me for biting a cold sore. He said it looked like I wanted to tell his aunt something. l was just biting it because it hurt. He fought with my daughter because she wanted to have a 16th birthday party outside on our lawn (we lived on 12 acres in the country). He has never taken me on a real honeymoon. We went fishing at his family's primitive cabin (it had no bathroom facilities, just an outhouse and old wash tub, no hot water).
The bullying started before we got married. He got angry with me the day we got married because I went to Montgomery Ward and bought a dress to get married in with money my parents gave me! We don't go on vacations. Our kids are grown and I work and he's retired. We could go on nice vacations, for birthdays or anniversaries, but we never go. If I suggest it, he sighs a sigh of disgust and we end up doing nothing. If I'll pay for dinner or bills or groceries, or use my car and gas...he lets me. I could go on and on. I just would like your thoughts. By the way I have a masters degree and am a certified school principal. I have patience, but it is wearing thin. Please tell me what you think.
By C.C.
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You are employed, intelligent, and self-sufficient. My question is - why have you stayed with this man for 42 years? Should you stay? Of course not. Leave. Make plans to leave, arrange your finances, pack your bags, take the things from the house that you want, and go.
Everyone thinks its so easy to just leave and its not as easy as people say i know my husband is mean to me and nice to others blames me for everything wants me to lie for him and he yells at his 71 yr old mother calls her nasty nasty names and she yells back and he gets in her face and he wont stop i tell him to leave her alone then he starts on me and when no ones around he makes up lies this one said that and that about me and he has hit me punched my try to kill me and alot more and people think you can just leave me i dont work everytime i try to get a job nope his hrs are always diff at work day to day so i cant work he makes sure i dont have any money and i know 11 yrs of this abuse and i try to leave a few times he grabbed me and try to choke me and punch smack kick me i am only 5 ft 3 and 110 lbs he is 5ft 10 190 lbs and he has temper and alot more my own family wont help me cuz he goes to there houses calls them goes to there places of work and causes my family to not talk to me so i have no place to go and i dont know how they sleep or look in the mirror or how god lets men do this to woman we werent put here to be abused by men i know there is no simple answer for anyone who is beeing abused i will pray for you that one day you can be free from that monster and myself also
All of this abuse including what happened before you were married was allowed by you. You let him have his way in everything. Now you either have to put up with it until one of you dies or get out. He is not going to change because he likes himself the way he is. Counseling for him won't help because he won't go. It might help you to find out why you allowed such abuse but you need to get it after you leave.
If you can support yourself get out. Do not settle for less than your half of everything in your divorce. If he threatens you get an order of protection by the court and have him arrested if he violates it. This is how sane people deal with things. Get sane and leave.
Run, don't walk. Get away from this jerk, and do it today. Life is too short to put up with that. Your kids are grown, why are you staying there? You make your own money. Just go.
C.C.-
You have spent 42 years dealing with all of this abuse - I am horrified to hear it. The kids are grown- get out! It seems like you are asking the question to be validated in what you already know. I am validating that for you. This is your life, you have a chance to make a happy one for yourself. You still have years to enjoy- enjoy them. Get to know yourself without being belittled and bullied. No one deserves that except for maybe your husband.
You have been "dealing" with it long enough to be a saint. I know you are Catholic but I think God would understand a divorce in your case. He is abusive and unless you get to a counselor to help you get out of the relationship it will continue to beat you down. He's never had to learn any other way to behave with you so he will continue to do so. As far as travel etc. go without him - maybe absence will make the heart grow fonder...
I was in a relationship like this and it was also an emotionally abusive which is also what yours sounds like too! I got out at age 42 as I could see things would not improve. We had been together 27 years so I understand the long time you've been together. I decided I'd rather be alone than stay in this relationship any longer. I started over and you can too! It's never too late!
I think in your heart you know what you need to do. Find a good lawyer and divorce him, then as the song says "Let yourself go" and start to enjoy life.
The answer to your question has to come from you. Do you love him and do you want to stay with him after so many years of verbal abuse? If yes, then why? I can't see as he has anything of worth to offer you. You knew he was like this before you married him and you should have run away from him then. I'm sure you are a lovely lady who would have a lot to offer to the right man if you would choose to leave the jerk and get divorced. How does he treat his kids? Do they want anything to do with him? So sorry and good luck. God bless you. I know about verbally abusive husbands. Mine has a brain injury and I don't want to be around him when he doesn't take his medicine. He's fine with medicine.
Hard to believe your story! If you are well educated it is hard to see why you stuck around long enough to get married to the putz.
Should you leave? Yes, about 40 years ago. Pack only what is important, make sure he knows all your relatives know you are going and you have a support group of local law enforcement and family, and get some peace in your life.
Yes, you have my permission to leave that poor excuse of a man. But you already knew that. You are a smart lady.
Gee - all that time and you are not an alcoholic? We all know there are always 2 sides to every story but I would not even wish to waste time listening to his.
Different states have different laws about divorce and especially walking out of your home when there is no "physical" abuse or fear for your life. since you did not especially mention this then I would suggest you see an attorney before you run so that you know where you stand.
Now if you do not want to live in your present home (I assume it is not rental property) then it would be wise to pack what you need and leave - see an attorney on your way to a hotel or friends.
Good luck and I hope there are happier more peaceful days ahead.
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