I'm 27 and I have 3 kids with my husband, who is 25. I been with him for 13 years now, but for the last 3 years it's been on and off. We were separated for almost a year. I was moving on with my kids and we were happy. I despise of my status here.
But he decided to come back in this picture when he started to see that I was doing good. And sadly, I took him back cus deep down inside I still loved him and still do.
He never paid attention to his kids and my oldest boy (8yrs). I think he has something against his dad because there have been times when he tells me that he don't care if his dad leaves because he's used to it and that he honestly prefers his dad to leave as he is really mean to me. It breaks my heart to hear him talk like that his only 8.
The beginning of this year everything started to go down hill. He has never acted this way. He is always getting mad for everything I do. He hasn't really hit me, but he pushes me and throws me to the ground. He did smack me once on the side of my face. He calls me names that really hurt. I always find myself crying and depressed.
Just recently he started not to come home. Before it was only one day, but know it's sometimes 3 days. The worst part is that he comes home and expects me not to ask him were he has been. He says he doesn't have anyone else, but that's really hard to believe even though sometimes I know where he is. I guess what he likes doing now is going out with his friends to drink and get high. He says he loves me, but that I bitch and whine too much. Well what does he expect? For me to be okay with how his treating me?
I really don't know what to do. We agreed when we got back together that this was our last chance of trying, but I guess that really doesn't matter to him. Sometimes I think I'm really dumb for still sticking around and to keep hoping he will change, especially because I feel that it's my fault my kids are going thru this. I should be protecting them from everything. I think the reason why I'm still here is because he wasn't like this before.
By Joanna N.
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Take your kids and get out, now. If nothing else, take just what you absolutely need and go to an abuse shelter. Do not take him back again.
Here is the number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233.
Maybe you could call them and they can help you figure out how to get out.
It sounds like you know what you need to do. Yes it will be hard, but like you said before you were happier when you were separated for that year. Pushing you and calling you names IS abuse. Someone doesn't need to hit you in order to be abusive.
Get out now. Raising your children in that atmosphere is NOT a good thing. Call the abuse line, they will help you. Be strong for your children and yourself. Find shelter and find it quick.
I know it's easy to say it but go before he gets worse, for your kids' sake.
All the best.
Marg.
As a mother your first priority should be your children, leave now! Get to a shelter. Call the number the other poster gave you. Once you are safely away from him you can apply for welfare to get back on your feet and then get training and go on to have a nice life.
I know what I am speaking about. I left a very abusive husband and got welfare just long enough to get into a training program. I went on to support myself and them and it was the best decision I ever made. I knew my children came first. Stop making excuses and leave now. You will be so much happier and so much safer. Can you live with the guilt if he harms your children? It may very well happen. He does not love you..if he did he would not act like this. Leave!
You shouldn't have to leave your home although it is obvious you need to have the husband removed from it. Sign a warrant for him for his abuse and non support. Then when the law removes him don't look back. You have to love yourself more than you do right now. Your children really need you to be strong. Whether you realize it or not they are watching and learning from the behavior of both of you. Someday you will thank yourself for being strong.
You said he's never hit you and in the next sentence you say he slapped you. So, which is it? Stop making excuses for him and stop putting him before your kids or your kids will be the ones paying the price. So you let him back in your life because you were doing well. That doesn't even make sense. And why would you put up with him cheating. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He"ll keep on living as he's single and keep on his cheating as long as you approval and in his mind you are approving. He's young and stupid and by the time he grows up your kids will be so damaged that they will repeat his actions or worse. Sorry if I sound cruel but someone needs to knock some sense in your head.
Joanna...I was in the same situation. I took him back twice. Not because I really loved him, but because I was afraid of what it would be like without him (the 1st time) & then (the 2nd time) after a longer seperation, because I thought maybe he had changed. After a year I decided that my children & I were better off without him & I told him I wanted him to leave. I just got strong & made his life miserable until he did.
However, in your case...you know you can make it...you did before dear. Do it again! You & your children will be alright. My children are now grown (in their 30s) & they tell me that they are glad that I made their father leave. They confronted him, when one was in his late teens & the other was in his early 20s, about the way he had treated them & me. They had a long talk & now have a good relationship with him.
They both tell me they learned how NOT to treat women thanks to him. I have wished many, many times that I had gotten them out of that situation earlier for I know it scarred them. Don't wait any longer...get out of there! You will be so much better without him in your life. You'll do fine & your children will thank you for it. BTW...he remarried years ago & (according to my boys) treats his 2nd wife the same way. When I asked them why she doesn't leave (they don't have any children) they tell me they believe it's because she doesn't have anybody else. They don't change!
Precious Joanna, You must feel so alone; like no one knows what is going on in your life. But God does! He knows you do not deserve to be in an abusive marriage. He says you must protect your children.
I was a Child Abuse worker for the State of Texas for over 13 years. I witnessed many cases of Domestic Violence because, trust me: statistics say that once he has begun hitting or emotionally abusing you, he will eventually abuse your children too. You have an obligation to protect them, or someone else will (as in CPS.)
Since you do have access to a computer, please immediately access some of the hundreds of websites that will get you the help you so desperately need. One of the absolute best is: www.seedsofhopeiowa.com (1-888-746-4673.) This site provides a list that you can print out (at home or the library), telling you all the things you must do in order to leave your husband. (Experts say that at this stage of abuse, even marriage counseling will not help.)
Guard this list with your life, for if he ever finds it, you will be in big trouble. The list gives you all the exact things you must need to do to safely get away with your kids so he will not be able to find you. Again, if he finds you, it can be really bad for you and the children, too. Also, daily delete the "History" temporary files that are on your computer and cell phone. If he is smart, he can pull these up and see who you have been speaking to or sites you have been looking at on the computer.
You can do this Joanna! There are many agencies out there who want to help you, but you must take the first step to make them aware of your need. In a critical situation, call 911 and tell the police your husband is about to or has already harmed you and that you need help immediately to get out of your home.
They will come and make sure that you are OK, then they will take you and the kids to a Women's Shelter where you can be safe. If he assaulted you, he will go to jail. You don't have to file charges against him, the police will. I have helped many families get out the state. Your kids will soon adjust and you will again be a happy family. Agencies will help get you a free divorce, and you can start your life over...hopefully with a wonderful, loving husband. God Bless you, Joanna. Isaiah 41:10..."Fear not, for I am with you....."
Leave! If you can't leave your home. Change the locks and have a police officer there the next time he comes. Explain to him that you are getting a restrianing order against him. Have him get some anger management training and maybe even some marriage counciling with you. Hitting and slapping are the same thing. and the fact that he is pushing you and knocking you down is physical abuse. Your children do not need this. God be with you and I am praying for you.
Move on & leave him. He will only get worse & your children will only suffer more with him around. Don't let him talk you into taking him back, as he will do this over & over again & promise to change. Not true. I put up with this for over 17 years, because I thought I still love him, but my children & I did much better after we move on. It is hard on children to see you being hurt like this & later they may copy the way you have been treated.
I am now married to a wonderful man for over 30 years.
He is wonderful to my children & grandchildren. Just don't marry again for a year or 2 just to have a man around. Get to know different people, as you don't want another one like you had before.
May God bless you & your children & put God in your life, as that is the answer to all things.
You don't think a slap in the face is anything? So what stranger on the street would you let do that to you?
Do you finally get it when he hauls off and whacks one of the kids....and maybe 'he did not mean it' but he did it. Our community is dealing with 4 missing wives/girlfriends of 'the guy who did not mean it'. This week, 2 bodies were found. Yeah, they meant it alright, just did not intend to get caught. A swamp and a large US river were the ending places of these two women who did not get away. The bodies of the other 2 are still to be found. The next state over, the father slit his children's throats....to get even with his wife who would not put up with the abuse. He was convicted of being SANE when he did this. All these guys claim insanity, but you don't carry out a plan for this long of abuse, neglect, abuse again, without knowing what you are doing. OR planning.
Get help NOW. All 911 response has to help you get from Point A to B in the minimum. I don't know of a section of the USA that does not have something in place for issues like this. Do not take no for any answer.
It will save your life, it will save your children's lives.
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