I live with my boyfriend of 5 years. His 18 year old son has been with us for 2 years. He just recently graduated and has a very part-time job. On his days off, he sleeps until 3, 4, sometimes 5 pm and plays video games all night which awakens us at times.
He has also missed his move out date twice. His father wants to charge rent. Should my rent be lessened as his son is now of age and needs/should be contributing to his own expenses? I think his father should pay more in rent and utilities than the 50/50 we've been sharing. What are your thoughts? Thanks!
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I agree with you. I hope your boyfriend does. If he does, make up a written contract with rental agreements and a move out date. Everyone should sign it. Life has no free rides. As an able-bodied person, he should contribute a percentage of his salary that you will decide on together.
This is a tough one. I will play devil's advocate for a minute. So you were paying 50/50 for two years with his son living there and that was fine from age 16 to one day before age 18, and now that he is 18, you want to change the rules? If I were the dad and that was what was happening, I would not be happy. I apologize as maybe I am not understanding that part.
On the other hand, if it is the dad's idea to charge his son rent, ok then. That works; that is the right thing to do as it is now 3 adults. I would think the fair thing would be to divide everything 33 1/3 each. So then, yes, your rate would be lowered. That would be the easiest way to deal with that situation.
Now, if the issue isn't money at all, but the son moving out, that is a whole other animal and needs to be discussed between the father and son and the boy's mother if she is around.
I may be old fashioned, but at 18 there needs to be a real full time job starting, unless there is some post high school education starting; then it is a part or 3/4 time job and full time school.
Whatever you all decide, best to get it in writing and have each of you sign and speak back understanding. I will say a prayer for you that you have a win win win resolution!
it is really as simple as, how much of this situation are you willing to tolerate? If you can't and nobody can see your terms, you leave. It's simple.
the father will tend to side with his kids first, no question. It is in fact as it should be. That is a fact of life that the new person in the family dynamic has to accept.
On the other hand, your BF is doing your son no favours by tolerating disrespectful and aimless behaviours in the boy and failing to instill any discipline or sense in self=pride. Impressing on this son that he needs to pull his own weight because it's the only way that his life will not suck and that paying rent is an excellent way of accomplishing this - its like when they are children and you tie their allowance to chores - is a reasonable point any parent should adopt.
you could appeal to your BF that in the interest of building character and having his son develop better lifestyle habits and character that he should, in fact, pay rent or otherwise 'earn his keep'.
and if the father is too emotional and the kid too uncontrollable to effectuate this, you may have to move out for your sanity's sake.
Sounds like all good advice but I believe you should think about this very carefully before you have any discussions and try to know for sure what you can or will do if the situation does not change.
What was the agreement when the son moved in 2 years ago? What does the son plan to do with his life? Does he have more schooling in mind - college or vocational school or does he have plans to look for a full time job and move to a place of his own?
These are questions the father should know or be asking and if he is not doing this then you may have a difficult time asking for a different financial arrangement. Once the financial discussion is started, there will most likely be a lot of discord in your "family" group.
I believe the situation with the living conditions (staying or moving out) should be settled as this decision will have to be the basis of the financial solution.
The son definitely needs to be making a contribution to the overall living expenses but how much money is he making? How much can he pay and still have money to move out? Moving out on his own will require a substantial amount of money unless he is moving in with his mother or moving back to wherever he lived until he was 16.
I assume the father was paying support before his son moved in 2 years ago and that should have been the time for the 50/50 arrangement to have been discussed - that support money should have been added to reduce the total living expenses and the balance could have been the 50/50.
Since this was not done it now appears the situation will probably be seen as the "ugly stepmother syndrome" by your BF and the son and maybe some other people as well.
You definitely have to be realistic about what can change as your BF is the only person that can set up any rules for his son and it does not appear that he is wanting to be very firm about his son's lifestyle or future. Maybe he feels it is too soon after graduation but I do not believe this lifestyle just started but has been condoned for a long time.
It seems like it is down to deciding what your actions will be if nothing changes - know where you stand but try not to make any threats like "make changes or I'm out!" unless that is what you intend to do. This is your future too so be sure you are ready to face the problems that are definitely in your future with a BF that has an 18 year old live-in son.
If this is the case and the boy refuses to move out then it is necessary to cut him off completely. He needs to realize that it isn't up to you to do all for him. If he continues to sleep all day and play video games you should charge him rent like his dad wants to.
In doing so both you and your boyfriend's rent should be reduced the same and the son will pick up the balance. It isn't only the father who benefits from his son paying rent, it is the two of you to benefit.
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