Is it OK when family members just show up at your door anytime of day or evening without calling first? Even though we are house bound with this virus, some days I don't feel well or am too tired to receive company. I'm also a caregiver for my husband, it's only fair a curtesy call would be appreciated. Am I wrong?
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Considering you are a caregiver for your husband your family members should respect this during this pandemic. You don't need anyone showing up at your home when they feel like it. You have no idea if they have been exposed to the virus and will bring this into your home. You need to take a firm stand and tell these people that you are not allowing any visits to your home unless they call first. If they coming knocking on your door just ignore them and don't let them in. I would post a sign on the door saying that you are not allowing visits to your home that are not prearranged first.
I have read the suggestions and generally agree with what everyone is saying/recommending but I'm wondering if any of us have gone through something like this and maybe if someone has, they could provide feedback on how things turned out.
I believe if this situation involves your family that you can discuss it with them and they will most likely understand and agree to follow your wishes with probably no hard feelings.
But - if this problem concerns your husband's family then I believe this creates a whole different set of circumstances and may have to be handled with 'kid gloves' to hopefully not create even bigger (maybe even more serious) problems.
Since you only say you are caregiver for your husband we have no idea as to how serious a problem this is (and we have no reason to have to know) so does this mean his family are visiting to see how their son/brother is doing or maybe showing him their love/concern?
I guess what I'm trying to establish is that you and your husband are not in a 'normal' situation where visitors are just dropping in to 'visit'.
As a general rule, situations can be handled by family members much better than if 'in-laws' present the same solutions to problems.
As an example; How would your family feel if your husband informed them of how/what they had to do before visiting you?
If at all possible, everything may work out better if you discuss how you feel with your husband and ask him to discuss it with his family members.
I would suggest that before you try any 'solution' provided, you try to reverse the situation with your husband as the caregiver and then that you give serious thought to how your family might feel if they were presented with that solution - a sign on the door - or notification telling them that they have to make an appointment to visit their daughter (even if you tell them your reason for doing this) and truly think about how your family might feel and how they would react to this 'solution'.
I do not know what kind of relationship you have with your in-laws but how you handle this problem may have lifetime repercussions.
Please give this very serious thought as with some families this could be an explosive situation.
During my 'growing up years' all of our guests were unexpected, and all of them were welcome. Neighbors were always dropping by, maybe to borrow a cup of sugar for a cake they had started and found out at the last minute they didn't have enough.
Or in the cool of the evening, a neighbor might walk across the street and sit with you on your porch for a 'spell' and catch up on the latest village news. These visits were anticipated and always enjoyed.
And of course, relatives never gave advanced notice. There was a very good reason for this. Most of them lived out in the sticks. They had no phone. If they had, it wouldn't have helped. We didn't have one either.
These unannounced visits were truly cherished. They were important. They took up the better part of a Saturday or Sunday. A big meal was prepared. After dinner, we all gathered on the front porch.
Here was the essence of the unplanned gathering. We learned who had gotten married, who had died, who had another baby, and seeing cousins for the first time.
Each visit was wonderful but we were a bit saddened when they drew near a close. Many of these visitors had to get up at three and be in the milking parlor by four. Late hours were for city folk.
We walked our guests to their car and continued talking with them after they were seated comfortably inside. Leaning over the car door, we rested a hand on the roof of the car as if we could somehow prolong the visit if just for a few more minutes.
There were many goodbyes and many Y'all come back'. We stood there by the curb waiving til the car was out of sight.
My, my, my. How times have changed.
In this day, everyone has phones. Not on a wall but in their pockets. Our lifestyles are so different. Nature doesn't plan our days, we do. We live by the clock. Disruptions in our schedule can sometimes cause real problems.
It's hard to fathom that anyone today doesn't know it's uncaring and downright rude to come unexpectedly for a visit. I doubt I could be a gracious host. Whose inlaws it is doesn't matter if I'm the one being inconvenienced.
At the very least when saying goodbye, I would add, 'Do come back, but be sure to call and let us know a day ahead. That way you wont catch me in the shower washing my hair or hubby moving all the furniture out of the living room so he can paint it. We can plan our day around visiting with you. Y'all take care now!
For years now my father n law has shown up unannounced. My husband and I have been married over 20 years. Prior to my father n law retiring his visits were a few times a month and were generally around the same time of day, unless he had a union meeting and then it would be earlier in the day when my husband was still at work. I was not working at the time. I had the sense he was checking up on me. They were awkward visits.
After he retired 8 years ago the visits increased. He was nice enough to come over during the day to let our dogs out while we both were at work, so he has access to our house key. But even when we were both home he would either knock loud and enter without waiting or use his key. That was never the intention of him having a key. It is not unusual for him to visit more than once a day or stop by before we have dressed or had breakfast on the weekends. He has interrupted us being intimate on several occasions and has caused countless arguments over his constant visits.
My husband has an older brother who is married with kids, that also lives close by, but I do not know if they are also being visited as often. I somehow doubt it.
A few years ago I finally had enough of it after asking my husband to speak to him. My husband just wouldnt do it. Eventually I blew my top. It came to a head on a Saturday morning. We awoke to find him sitting on our front porch waiting for us to get up. Who does that?
I am ashamed of my reaction, but it was from years of build up. Needless to say he got the hint....for awhile anyway.
My husbands mom passed away last January and now my father n law is back at it. He brings us food all the time. Too much food, more than we can eat, stuff he made, stuff he grew, stuff he bought. It is just too much, too often.
I know a lot of it is because he likes to be busy, feel needed and because he is lonely. My husbands mom died of dementia and for the last ten years (or more) lost her ability to be a companion to him. He was her caretaker til the end.
He is in his early 70s, is in good health, is active and still full of life. I am hoping he finds himself a female friend in the future and that may solve a lot of the problem.
So for now, I will just have to have patience and remind him that the key is only to be used when we are not home to let him in.
Thanks for sharing.
Sometimes being a saint is difficult but it seems you have made the resolve to try.
My sincere wishes for more than your share of happy contented days in the future.
The words in my head start with H--- No! I can not believe people these days! The rudeness of it all, none caring. Especially now with Covid Virus, everything should be approached with caution! You have to bring yourself to telling them , that you need notice. You can not reverse what could happen because of these visits. You are overwhelmed with so much, let them know it!
I agree with Ana and poehere.... nobody should just show up without at least calling first to see if it's ok for a visit--especially family and especially during this COVID pandemic !!!! Just put up a sign on your door: NO VISITORS WITHOUT PRIOR APPROVAL, and keep the doors locked. That should let anybody know your feelings on the matter. And if someone calls to ask to visit, be firm and tell them not today, if you don't want visitors.....it's YOUR house after all.
I think a call or a heads up would be normal before a visit. I think you can actually leverage this issue by using the pandemic as a reason why calling or texting pre-visit is a MUST. And that you must approve the visit, as well.
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