We've both been married twice before. I was skeptical in the beginning. We had about a 4 year, long distance relationship, midwest to the south. He would visit me often and regularly. We had lots of fun, laughed, went to dinner and he always bought me flowers. He was a true gentleman an still is to this day. But when I asked him if he drank during the week he sly not acceptable habit in my living arrangement. I had been there before.
Eventually I did move to the midwest and we lived together for 3 years before getting married. The thrill, so to speak, has gone and although he loves me and I love him most of the time (when he's not drinking), his pattern is between 5:30 pm to 7 pm. He drinks about 4 beers and 3 scotches, but they equal out to about 9 shots. He doesn't sip. He drinks them like water.
Most of the time he's verbal to me. Often he forgets things during a conversation or the next day. H's lied to me about his alcohol consumption from the start and he's very good at deceit without being hurtful. He's lied about smoking. The longer we are together the worse it seems to get. His 34 year old son recently told me none of this surprises him. He's been doing it all his life.
I'm afraid, not of him. I'm a strong woman who knows when to leave the room, when not to start a confrontation. In fact sometimes I write lengthy letters and email him and we'll get together that night to talk peacefully. I know he has a disease and I will never change him. He's not violent. He's in denial and won't let me help him and often doesn't like to talk about it. Wen he's verbal he always tries to put it on me like,"oh, its all about you all the time" huh? He doesn't even make sense.
He's a been professional for over 35 years or more and very smart. He's clean and organized. He's just stuck in his pattern now forever. We are 62 and 58. I'm tempted to leave, but I cannot work anymore and I don't know how I'd live. We both own everything together, but he's the one who worked all those years to get it. I would feel so guilty if I took 1/2 of everything he's been working for all his life. We love each other. I'm just so sad this is happening and getting worse. I don't know what to do. I'm sure he doesn't even tell his doctor about his outrageous drinking each week or his smoking.
Ay advice would help I'm sure
By Carolyn from IL
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Have you ever heard of ALANON! It's for loved ones of the alcoholic. What they do is take the focus off the alcoholic and show you ways to live your life. I have been where you are but on both sides. I am a recovering alcoholic for 27 years and live with a practicing one. It's not an easy thing to do. One thing about a verbal abusive alcoholic is it won't get better and probably will only get worse.
Sweetie, you have to realize no matter how much you both love each other there are three people in this marriage. There is you, him and the alcoholic and it will stay that way until he reaches his bottom. You need to take care of you, and you are being abused. And it will only get worse until he gets help, and you don't deserve this treatment,no woman does. Sure he says he's sorry the next day, but, how many times till it doesn't mean anything anymore,or until it escalates to physical abuse or worse.
Once a man starts the abuse cycle it doesn't get better til they get help for it. If he is in denial you need to get out to be safe. And if he really loves you and wants you back, he will get help. If he doesn't at least you will be alive. Go to a home for abused women and talk to them they can help you and give you some advice and talk with some of the women. This is an epidemic in our society now and too many women don't make it out alive. Please get some help for yourself, you can't change him, only he can.
Been there, done that too. Grew up with alchoholic parents. As I have been told by counselors, you didn't cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it. No one chooses to be an alchoholic-it is a disease/addiction. They must want to change for themselves and the first step is admitting it.
Sounds like you are making no progress. You have some choices-a trial separation, marriage counseling, and you can attend for free a support group - AA for spouses/others living with an alchohlic- He doesn't have to like any of it. You have to do what keeps you safe and sane. If you have a pastor/preacher, talk to them. Ultimately you have to look out for yourself and realize that he will have to deal with your decisions just as you have been dealing with his.
It's a 2 way street-not one way. It takes 2 to make a marriage and 2 to break a marriage. Weigh what makes you happy-what you need and then take action. Verbal abuse is abuse. You might want to talk to your local domestic abuse counselors--they know about all types of abuse and are very helpful. They also have support groups. Get other input, give lots of thought and soul searching to this and then do what you heart and mind tell you are safe and sane options for you. God bless you and good luck.
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