I own my home. It is a big home where I live with my four kids. I have lived here with them for 10 years. The last 8 years I have been alone with the children in this home. I have been dating someone for a while who has one daughter. We are considering moving together and I have a hard time figuring out what is fair.
My partner keeps referring to the fact that he doesn't feel at home in my house. I have provided his daughter with a room which she uses everytime she comes over, which is 5-10 nights a month right now. He has never contributed to household expenses as of yet even if he has been staying over for the past two years. I have never been to his place as it is much too small for us. Is he supposed to feel at home in my house when he doesn't live here and doesn't contribute to household expenses?
I have a very large mortgage on this house which I pay for on my own. I am stressed financially with the burden of supporting the house and a small cottage that my partner has also used for the past two years with his daughter. My partner pays for some food sometimes. When he comes over for a weekend with her he almost always brings a meal for all 7 of us, but he has never contributed towards any other house or cottage expense.
The other issue is the arrangement we will choose as we discuss him moving in. He wishes to pay rent, but what he is suggesting is just a fraction of the value of what living in this house costs. In my view, renting does not give him equal rights to the house. As an example, I feel he thinks that it would be acceptable to discuss the room arrangements. Two of my kids share a room upstairs, and the other two have their own rooms also upstairs. The room I have been providing for his daughter is in the basement. (There are two rooms in the a basement that is completely finished and has a complete bathroom.) Is it acceptable for him to ask my kids to change rooms? His daughter is 11. This makes me resent him, as to me it feels completely unreasonable that he can expect to demand changes that affect my children if he pays rent. It is my house and he proposes to pay some rent; does that entitle him to make demands that impact my children?
By Maxine
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IF you were married more than likely you would have a joint account and each would be paying half of everything, or a few dollars more or less. He should be paying half of all expenses. Anything you buy for the home in the line of furniture, appliances, game systems, etc., that you, yourself buy should be written down and kept track of.
This is in case of a separation, that way you will know what belongs to you and what belongs to him and his daughter. It also wouldn't hurt to keep track of what you give him and his daughter for gifts. Keep track of everything they bring into the house too. Why are you paying for a place for him and his daughter to live? He doesn't sound real self sufficient. If I were in your shoes, I would be telling him to get lost.
You have gone above and beyond for this man and his daughter. You are providing a modest home for them and two homes for the girl - a home, and her own room in your house.
Now he wants to move in with you for "token" rent so he can feel he owns a large home without having to pay mortgage and expenses. He also has you right in the house so you can fix his meals and do his laundry and cleaning. What a deal for him! Apparently he is so confident he can take advantage of you in this way that he's already started making demands. This is not surprising since you've allowed him to take advantage of you for two years already.
You don't need this person in your life. You already have a mortgage and four children. You can't possibly be saving anything for your children's future or for financial emergencies if you are paying expenses for two extra people. And there is no way you have any time to spend with your children if you are working to support not only your family, but somebody else's.
You definitely don't need to be in a relationship with an adult who does not contribute at an adult level.
This isn't even fair to the girl. You are not her "real" mother but she is getting attached to you and your family. There is no legal commitment to the child. She simply isn't yours. This is a bad situation for her to be in when the relationship dissolves. It will only be more pain and confusion for her. Apparently she lives with her father so she already feels abandoned by one mother. Why would you string her along like this?
Next time, don't let anybody take advantage of you, financially or by finding you a convenient co-parent for their child. And don't let a child live with you unless you are in the process of legally adopting her.
You have a problem with boundaries. Learn what they are and how to respect your own and insist others respect them as well.
it sounds like you are already frustrated with this "proposed" new arrangement even before it happens - so how can you think it will be better when/if it happens?
Are you receiving child support from the children's father? If so, maybe he would like a "say" in how his children are being treated before/when this arrangement is finalized?
It sounds like you have been "used" for 2 years already - why not consider how much better off you would be without him and his daughter? Be bold and do what you sound like you would like to do - tell him to find another place to live and soon!
Will you miss some of the good times? Probably... But it sure seems like he has no concept of what it costs to live and that is hard to "teach" to someone that has had free ride for a long time.
If the situation is as you describe it, you are not being treated fairly. I certainly don't see any reason why you are paying for a place for this man to live. That is insane. Stop it at once. Does he not have a job? I expect that somehow all the decisions that you made in the past made sense at the time, but now you are in a bit of a pickle because of them. These sorts of situations point out the flaws of "moving in together" as opposed to "marriage". Marriage provides a legal framework for living. In my province here in Canada, a couple that lives together for 2 years have the same rights and obligations as a couple that was married. You should check into the laws in your state.
I think that if he is moving in with you, the "rent" that he pays should be roughly equal to half the cost of running the household, especially if his salary is roughly the same as yours. If you are living together, with children, then you assuming the role of a married couple with children, and things should be shared equally. If you are not prepared to make this level of commitment, than I don't think you should let him move in. Nor do I think that he should just get to continue to behave like a "guest" in your house. The present arrangement, where he stays over a lot (most of the time?) and his daughter is there about 1/3 of the time requires a lot more financial commitment than he has been providing. He appears to be a freeloader. I'm sorry if this sounds nasty, but from your description, that is what it sounds like.
Does he do chores around the house? Take care of your car? Mow the lawn? Clean out the eavestroughs? Put up the Christmas lights? Vacuum the living room? Prepare meals? Garden? Shovel the sidewalks and driveway? Paint the livingroom? Clean the bathrooms? Do laundry? There are all sorts of things that you must consider.
With regard to his daughter, it seems to me that your kids, who have lived in this house for 10 years, get dibs on the rooms that they want. They should not have to move to accommodate the newcomer. At the moment she is a guest. If, (and I would seriously rethink this) this fellow moves in, and you get all the other issues straightened out, then she should have her choice of the vacant bedrooms. As a kid who is almost a teenager, I would think that she might like the basement rooms, with a bathroom all to herself. I know that was always the prime real estate in my home with my sons. You might also discuss the whole room situation with your own children first, before deciding. Perhaps your older ones would like those basement rooms.
You have much to consider, but as it stands, to an outsider, you are carrying far too much of the financial responsibility for this relationship. Are you being treated fairly? No.
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