My bf asked to move with him. I been thinking a lot and had an argument with him regarding sharing the expenses. He is not clear about his answers and just told me that couples help each other. I'm gonna leave my job to move with him, but as of now I don't have source of income and when we were at the grocery I took something and told him I'm gonna pay for it. He told me ohh we need to share at least half. I thought he was kidding me and when we were at the counter he told the cashier to split it. I'm so confused cause I have been clear with him that I do't have problem sharing all the time expenses with him, but I should have a job first. Should I remind him again or this is a red flag?
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Wow! Any way you look at this, you still need a job! You are solely dependent upon your boyfriend. This is a bad on a few levels. You can not take care of your own needs. You do not have much of a say(no money). And the communication is non existent to him. This is situation that is only going to get worse. If you are making your own money, you have more options and control of your own life. Often we could be blinded by someone, whom we thought would be a fair person. Make this battle field even, by making sure you have your own money, for more options that may surface! Good Luck!
I don't mean to be harsh or anything but you did make up your mind to quit your job and move with him to his new location. I would sit down with him and let him know that you are in the process of looking for work right now because you quit your job to move with I'm and your resources are very limited right now. I get the way he is thinking that he does not want to support you and feels that you should be sharing in the expenses of the home. I would sit down with him and draw up a list of what the expenses are for the home. You need to list the rent, utilities, cable TV, Internet and food. Now determine how much each of you will contribute to the living expenses each month.
thank you for your reply and i really appreciate it.. im not clear with what i wrote last night i was so emotional..the thing is with this covid its really hard to get a new job.we talked about it before a i moved. i told him this same example that i cant share as of the moment but as soon as i got a new job i dont have a problem with sharing expenses.and aside from that the groceries that he want me to share was the food that he suggested. so the other night i pay for pizza and he didnt comment and this time he want me to share for 60dollars groceries.
i confronted him this morning that i cant share as of now cause my savings is for emergency only. and this the same argument that we had before i left my job.my point is i leave my stable nice paying job with other benefits and i left that job because of him.and i only moved 3days ago and he treated me like that.
This situation will not end well. It appears your boyfriend is not interested in an equal relationship and will, as time progresses, only take more advantage of you and in many ways. You can attempt to discuss your financial concerns NOW and come to an equitable arrangement.
I honestly would have thought it more clearly before leaving your employer.
Why leave your stable job with benefits (especially during this tough time where employment is hard to come by?) to move in with your boyfriend whom you had arguments with prior regarding expenses?
I'm unsure how long you two have been dating but I would have either resumed employment and then drive on the weekends or long distance relationship until you can find a closer stable employment prior to moving in.
Is there any way your previous employer will accept you back? This isn't a healthy relationship if he's treated you like this and it's been just a few days, think about weeks, months, years?
He should know it's a big responsibility to move in together. On top of that you're not working and your savings should be for any unexpected emergencies (hoping nothing does come up). And I would also assume you'd just cover your own stuff (personal) and he would cover the rest since he's employed temporarily.
I would sit down and have a deep conversation. And, if he still isn't getting it. I would try to figure out another way out of this..
I believe one of the the first mistake you made was letting your feelings and emotions make your decisions instead of thinking about the future and making sure there was a good honest relationship going before making any major changes.
That will take some mature thinking and just try very hard to forget about what you thought was going to be 'heaven' and see it for what it is.
This is not a person you will want to be with so start trying to find answers.
Anyone answering this question will tell you - he will not change and will most likely get worse.
Can you move back to where you just moved from?
Can you possibly get your old job back? Be humble and explain that it was a mistake - maybe if you do it now they will not have filled your spot.
Apparently your funds are low and you may not be able to rent a place right now but think about family members or friends that might help.
You are in a no win situation and only you can correct it. The longer you wait the more difficult it will be.
It can go both ways, to be honest. I see people saying he is a user, but you also must remember where he is coming from, as well. Not all people are the same as far as monetary decisions, both short term and long term. This should have been well laid out before any move in, before any job quitting. However, it is not too late to do that right now. Listen to his side of it but also be brutally honest about your thoughts and your hurt feelings. You have to do this to figure out a what kind of partnership you have. If you continue this way, it will just be tears. Have that chat asap! good luck.
When you're a child, parents correct your wrong and you get punished, so you do not repeat the offense. When you are an adult, you pay for your own errors and unfortunately it's usually punishment with money. I would chalk this up as an expensive lesson learned about some men and learn not to trust so easily next time. Be your own strength, so you can depend on yourself and not another who you feel has let you down. You made the decisions/choices and you were wrong to trust this person. Remember, actions speak louder than words. If they don't match up, then it's not genuine.
The man is entitled to receive payment for your share of the expenses. You should start making those payments and back payments as soon as you can.
You should expect ongoing issues over money; issues that will lead to termination of the relationship. The fact that he couldn't wait til you two had gotten home to settle up on the cost of one item (but have the cashier split it) should have been a red flag.
This boyfriend sounds like a "user of women". They usually don't change....ever. I know your emotions are running high right now, and the thought of moving in with him seemed like a good idea. But to leave a stable job with benefits, especially during this COVID-19 pandemic, to move to another town without hashing out all the details of both of your finances, and you not having a job lined up before the move, was NOT the smart thing to do. Is it possible you could get your old job back? This guy won't change, so YOU need to change your situation. Next time, really think things through BEFORE you quit a job to move and move in with somebody. And stay away from guys like this one, as you're the one who winds up hurt...either financially or emotionally (or worse).
Good luck, and post back what you do.
I am confused by this post becasue it sounds like, the way it as written, he was upset that you wanted to pay for it: "grocery I took something and told him I'm gonna pay for it."
On further reflection, it must be a typo. That's the only thing that makes sense.
The only thing I really see as a problem here is his apparent inability or unwillingness to communicate - either to understand what is being said, or to understand why it's being said.
I think it's reasonable that partners split expenses, and I can see the boyfriend's point of view in regards to not wanting to be stuck with a 'user' who does not contribute. Sure, in many relationships the man is making more money and he's more than happy to pay for the girlfriend's upkeep in exchange for housework or company or whatnot. This is clearly not the case; he is either unwilling or unable to be her provider. He made that clear.
I can also see him taking this extreme reaction out of fearing that she will become used to it if he just permits her to start with the assumption, straight out of the gate, that he will pay for things.
But aside from being insensitive and uncouth, his reaction is troubling because he did not understand the obvious fact that she does not have income at this time, that this was a deal in her moving in with him, and that he did not listen when she told him she didn't have money. Because she was pretty clear regarding her situations and expectations as well.
This fact that he is unwilling to listen means that he probably will be incapable of having productive conversations that actually resolve problems.
or maybe she actually does want a well-off man who will provide for her, and so she has been missing out on what he's been trying to communicate as well.
the only proof here will be how effectively and willingly she goes get employment as soon as it is available.
thank you for all your response.. as of now i moved back to my city, and my employer still allowed me to work (thanks god).
fyi before i moved to his place we discussed everything about the expenses. well i know its my mistake, cause his reply to me was COUPLES HELP EACH OTHER and i just thought that he will help me or support me while i cant find a new job. as he is the one who suggested of moving in together.
and the day i arrived at his place i told him that we need to buy plants for the house. im also the one who pays for it, it cost 80 dollars but that doesnt matter for me. i also bought pizza for dinner (which is he also suggested that he want pizza for dinner)
my point here is 30 dollars is nothing. the reason why i told him that im gonna pay for the item i took was, because its for my personal use. i dont want him pay for the my personal things.
maybe hes not telling me the truth that he doesnt have enough money to support the two of us.
anyways i cant live with someone who inconsiderate after all the sacrifice i made just to be with him. LESSON LEARNED
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