My friend and I have been living together for 12 or so years. When I moved in I was doing temp work, but contributing to food and cable and smaller but important expenses.
There was a time over a few years that I would work and/or collect unemployment, but not pay rent. I kept a running total of what I owed him and when I started a long-term temp job I started paying him what I felt was a reasonable rent plus $300 a month and he would get the extra for the 3 paycheck months. During this time I have also payed for 90% of the groceries. He said he would stop taking any extra money once he got his debt under control which I was perfectly fine with.
A couple of weeks ago he mentioned something about not paying any money on a credit card that is mine, but that he uses because there in no interest. I brought up that he should not be using my card anymore and reminded him that he was going to stop my extra payments to him.
My debt is paid now and I told him I felt I was paying too much and he just went off. He reminded me that he had taken care of a couple of emergencies and I reminded him that I pay the groceries plus what I pay him and at the end of the month there is hardly any money for me. I wasn't asking for a free ride, I just want our expenses to be paid equally. He gets mad because I am not saving money for a downpayment on a car, but when I told him I can't pay him and save money he just gets so mad.
I worked it out and over the past 3 1/2 years (I finally got the job permanently) I have paid him almost 60K, yes, that is 60 thousand dollars. So, do I give him actual numbers? When I ask for the bills so that we split them, he gets mad which makes me think that they aren't as high as he told me. When I bring up the subject now he just says pay what you want or don't pay at all and he now says that he won't eat any of "my" food anymore unless he pays me back for it. I feel like a whipped dog, but I am not going to give in for a situation where I know for a fact that I am right.
Thoughts?
By JRuds
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Something is very wrong here! The most obvious problem is a lack of communication between your friend and you.
You believe he has not been honest about his finances and it appears there is (and has been) very little communication about money between you both for a long time.
I strongly suggest you both sit down and discuss your entire financial picture!!! This must be a honest converstion in which you each prepare an accounting of your finances, what you believe you owe, etc. Then you both must come to an equal agreement about all income, houskeeping bills, medical, etc., and who will pay what for every financial debt and decision. If he and you do not do this, your frustration will only continue.
If you and he do not come to an equal and honest agreement about finances, your problems will only continue. Then the most important question is why you would continue a relationship with someone you feel is not honest with you? What other secrets is he hiding?
Dinah Ackerson has given you a great, well thought out answer so maybe you should read it several times and really think about where you are in this relationship.
Only you know if this kind of relationship is all that you want out of life - or - if not, then why are you still there?
Try reading your post as if it were someone else asking the same "question" and see what advice you come up with..
Is this a great relationship other than the problems you mentioned? Do you really want to keep living with this person even if you can resolve these issues? It really appears that you "spoiled" this person and he intends to keep it that way.
What a great way to start a new year - free from this mess you call a relationship!
We have a television program here in Canada called "Till Debt do us Part", where couples meet with a financial adviser who helps them get their relationship and finances under control. The guru says that money issues are the top reason that couples split up. Yours is a classic case. The lack of communication that you have got going on is just going to lead to disaster. Your friend is bullying you with regard to money and not being truthful.
On the TV show, couples work on communication skills, trust issues, draw up budgets to see where their money is going and learn how to work as a team. It is likely what you and your friend have to do. If he is not willing to disclose the true facts about the bills and his income and debt, than perhaps you should reconsider the whole relationship. If he lies to you and wishes to take advantage over this issue, what else will he lie to you about?
The problem here is, you have a very manipulative person. You've already paid him 60,000 dollars, an enormous amount of money, yet he insists you still owe him. All he can talk about is what HE did for you.
He insists you pay half the bills, but won't show you what those bills are. Perhaps you should tell him you can't pay half of nothing. I wouldn't pay "half" of a bill I've never seen. You could actually be paying for all of it. How do you know?
He insists you save money, while at the same time insisting you give your money to him! It's ridiculously impossible. It's a big red flag that he gets angry every time you bring up the subject of money, making you seem like the one who's being unreasonable.
This is a person who just wants to be in control. He doesn't care if what he is asking from you is actually impossible.
I'd sit down and tell him exactly what you are going to do. Be calm and don't react to his anger.
Tell him you will only pay half of bills that you actually see from now on. You will make a weekly food budget and stick with it. You will present him with half of the food costs at the end of the month. You are no longer paying back any debts, real or imaginary. You will now start saving for a car or whatever. Tell him how much you'll be putting towards it monthly and stick with it, but if he demands to see proof of what you're saving, don't let him. It's your money and your business.
Choose one day a month to add up all the bills and pay some of them, what amounts to half. Give the other half of the bills plus half what you paid for food as his half to pay. Ignore temper tantrums. He either pays his half or he doesn't.
If he doesn't pay HIS bills, look for another place to live.
Oh, by the way, nobody should be using your credit card but you!
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