I'm 31, in a relationship with a 47 year old man with a 14 year old daughter. I have no children. We are looking to rent a place together, and would eventually buy a house together.
I have a fixed income, he does too, they are fairly similar, but he has his own company that he owns with his ex, and is in the process of selling 2 properties he owns with his ex, so he has savings and also has earnings from being the co-owner of the company. I on the other hand am paying off student loans.
I was wondering the following: for the immediate future, I will be moving to his city so he can stay near his daughter, we will rent a place with an extra room for his daughter. Here, I think it's no problem to split the rent half/half, it's just one extra room and I love his daughter. However, do I also pay for her to join us on holidays? Sometimes she also brings a friend so it doubles the costs. And what about groceries and eating out when she joins us, should I just pay for myself or is it more fair for him if we share in the expenses for the care for his daughter? He pays alimony as she is with her mom most of the time.
Eventually we would want to buy a place together, but whilst he will have a fair amount of money in the bank from selling his properties, I have student loans I'm still paying off, and would, if I'm lucky, be able to get a loan to pay for 1/4th of the kind of place he'd have in mind (he has far higher standards than me).
I want to be able to build a future for myself, so I don't want to pay rent to contribute to his mortgage, I want to own a place, not just keep throwing money into a hole in the ground (aka paying rent), but what good would owning 1/4th of a place really do me? Would I be better off buying a small studio I could afford and renting it out and then using that rent to pay for the house we'd share? Then at least I'd own my own little place and not 1/4th of a large place. I'd want a situation that's fair to both of us and good for his daughter.
By Anja K
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My advice is to not move in with him. Get your own place, even if it is an efficiency apartment, it would be better than the situation it sounds like you would be getting into. There must be a strange reason that he is paying alimony instead of child support. When I was getting divorced my attorney told me I didn't want alimony because I would have to claim that as income on my taxes, but if I got child support I wouldn't have to, but my "ex" would have to claim the child support on his taxes because it was his income to begin with. I was also told that the best way to receive alimony was if I could prove adultery and I couldn't afford to hire a private detective to prove the adultery.
When you move in with a guy there is a lot more to rent to consider, there is insurance, utilities, food, then like you mentioned the additional cost of feeding his daughter and her friend when they are there. The basic things including food for the home should be split half and half and have it in writing and notarized. The same applies to things you, yourself purchases for the home. Anything you buy in the line of furniture, appliances, electronics should be kept track of in writing and make sure you buy it completely with your money.
Also figure out what your half of the expenses would be and put that in a separate account for your share of the expenses, and keep the rest of your money for your spending money and make sure you keep some of it in a checking account of your own or cash someplace where he can't get his hands on it. Actually you shouldn't even let him know you have this private "stash." You might need this for a rainy day.
Don't you think it is kind of odd that he owns property with his ex-wife? I sure would. My thought is when you go out to eat with his daughter, he should be responsible for that added expense and if he is currently paying for you when the two of you go out to eat, I would think that should continue.
Also there is nothing wrong with renting. When you rent, you don't have to worry about maintenance on the property, yard work or anything along those lines. When you own, you have to be prepared to pay for any unexpected repairs that might come up.
Redhatterb made a great point. When you rent you are saved a lot in household expenses. It allows you to save some on the side. If you add all cost of home ownership, buying a lawn mower, getting the house painted, paying property taxes; you can save a lot by renting.
The questions that you pose are exactly some of the reasons that marriage was "invented". When you get married, there are certain legalities that are taken care of -- as property becomes shared, and so on. Here where I live, when a couple co-habits for two years, they are considered married, for all property issues have the same rights and responsibilities.
Here are my thoughts on the matter. You should share expenses-- food, rent, insurance, etc. equally with regard to your incomes -- that is if you have equal income, you have equal shares. If he makes $100 000 and you make $50 000, he would pay twice as much as you do. Expenses with regard to his daughter, he pays. All of them. Unless you choose to do something as a gift. If you have a child together, this kid's expenses are shared, of course.
If you treat this arrangement like a "roommate" sharing deal, than treat it as such. If this is a lifetime commitment (which I would hope that it would be if you are moving to another city to be with him, and contemplating buying property together), than you should treat things in exactly the same style as if you were legally married.
You need to have some serious conversations with him with regard to finance, especially since you have debt and he has properties. I do not find this unusual, as he certainly should have himself in good financial shape since he is 47 years old. At 31, you are 16 years behind him in setting up your financial affairs. I think you also need to find out the legalities with regard to the joint ownership of the business with his ex. What happens if you live together for 8 years, and he dies of a heart attack at 55? Do you now own this business with the ex-wife? You would if you were married to him. Lots to talk about with this man before you settle on things; you may want to consult a lawyer,even.
You have been offered thoughtful and sounds like very good advice.
I have only one thing to add:
Put everything possible in writing and signed and agreed upon by both parties. This may sound "cold" and unnecessary but years from now (or even months?) you may wish you had. "Things" are so easy to forget (all or part) and can cause lots of trouble in a relationship. Having things in writing only means there should be no misunderstandings about even the little things.
Perhaps this relationship has been going on for a long time and you know more about the dealings between this man and his "ex" than we can see but it seems like you are making a lot of changes in your life so I hope you have given all of this a great deal of thought.
If you're just renting a house with him, you don't technically have to pay any of his daughter's expenses- but you should. You won't get any respect as a member of the family until you start to pitch in financially. You'll just be "Dad's girlfriend" or "Dad's roommate." This puts you at sort of a second-class citizen status in the household, and you'll feel it.
As far as buying a house is concerned, you're already in debt. Adding to that debt is a bad idea. Your financial freedom is paramount. Messing up here could ruin your future, and that's no joke.
Buying a place to rent out: Where do I start? People will trash the place, and can skip town owing you many months back rent. The eviction process, even for non-payers, takes an insane amount of time. Imagine not being able to pay on the house for months because the renters refused to pay YOU, and the eviction process is taking forever.
You'd owe all taxes on the property and be responsible for all repairs as the landlord. This includes replacing everything in it when it is trashed by a hoarder or used as a meth lab.
Pay off the loan you already have while putting money aside for your OWN future. This is going to be hard enough as it is without adding any extra obligation on your finances.
People give renting a bad rap, saying it's just throwing money down the drain. But it isn't. It gives you a roof over your head without obligating you financially. That's more than you think it is.
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