I have been with my son's father for almost 12 years now (yes still not married). We have been thru the worst times ever to the best times ever. Three years ago I found out he was having a relationship with someone else for 2 years behind my back. Of course I kicked him out and he stayed with her for a few months until I somehow convinced myself to take him back.
At the time he also lost his job and was collecting unemployment so when he returned to my home I was picking up the slack for all the bills in our house as well as taking care of all of our son's needs. We bicker over everything; one little thing spirals into things that had nothing to do with the original argument and things get extremely nasty. He calls me the worst names imaginable including saying things like "I hope you die". You have no idea how damaging this is to hear especially after all I have given and forgave in our relationship.
He is currently working and has been for 6 months now and yet for the last, almost 3 years (a year separated, a year+ of unemployment and searching for a new job) I am still paying everything (well everything but the gas and electric). I pay rent and 1/2 the cable, all food shopping or he will go every once in a great blue moon to get the bare minimum and all expenses for our son unless he buys an outfit or shoes here and there.
While he was out on unemployment he received a large settlement approximately 12K and he never once asked if I needed money, never said I know you have racked up some credit bills let me help you, nothing.
Also a few years back he got into a little trouble with the IRS with his daughter's mother (from a previous relationship) as they both claimed her and he had to pay the money back - guess what our taxes three years ago right before I found out he had a girlfriend paid those off.
Also, once he was caught cheating he came back asking me to marry him and bought me a diamond ring. This was a secret for some time and now that it is out he has yet to speak another word of any kind of marriage. Needless to say I pay almost all of the bills (yes I have said this a few times), do all of the house chores - he will throw in a load of laundry here and there and said he did the laundry, but yet I fold and put away.
To shine more light on the situation, his daughter that is now 17 years old wants nothing to do with him and hasn't for some time now. He hasn't paid support for as long as I have known him and when he is around her all he does is tells her what she is doing wrong and all this nonsense - he does this to our son too. He was raised as an only child by his father (who didn't have a great track record himself with women to say the least). To add wood to the fire he has hit me a few times or has grabbed me to the point of marks being left on me. He has broken things in the house (I have too at times).
I just hate being the one that is blamed for everything and I end up giving so much more into this so called relationship. I guess what I am trying to get at is can someone please tell me if I am thinking correctly and feeling like I am being taken advantage of? I could go on for days and please by no means I am saying I am perfect because no one is. I have my fault ones that yes I have a difficult time admitting, but I believe I deserve so much more in return at this point.
By TL
Add your voice! Click below to answer. ThriftyFun is powered by your wisdom!
Okay first know you are not the only one. Second kick him out and get a child support order. This is a completely unhealthy situation for you and your son. Is this how you want him to think women should be treated? And he will then repeat the cycle not to mention that the abuse will escalate.
You should not think so little of yourself. Launch the loser, hold your head up and move on with your life.
I am going to be thought of as cold and heartless but here goes. There is no reason to even ask anyone. He is a worthless mooch. Stupid evil and lazy individuals exist in every culture and species and it's time to cull the herd.
TIME TO START OVER WITHOUT HIM! Get a copy of a book called:
"Breaking your addiction to another person" or How to break your addiction to another person." It will set you free no kidding. Your addicted to this jerk. Then while you're at it promise yourself to only have friends (both male & female) that are "givers" NOT "takers". Your whole life will turn around. Good Luck.
I didn't even get past the first paragraph of your post. Wake up and get out. Being divorced myself from a verbally abusive husband you WILL SURVIVE and be a better/happier woman in the end. Married 19 years and called every name in the book. Only way you're going to get back you dignity, self respect and confidence is to get out. The struggles doing it are worth it all.
I can understand that you needed to vent which always makes anybody feel better but, is there any need to ask for advice? I'm sure, you know that nobody is going to tell you to stay with him. Perhaps you are scared to go it alone, but really and truly, aren't you already going it alone?
Any financial input from him is being used by HIM anyway so he really isn't helping out at all. Trust me, I've been there, and the sense of relief that you are rid of him will more than make up for any contribution in any respect that he has ever made. This is your decision of course. If you want to be miserable with him, that's up to you. If you want to keep, or get back, your dignity, self respect and your self worth, then you know what you have to do.
Hello I am not sure how long it's been since you wrote this.... But - I still wanted to comment. The line above says it all.... Sharing (however you're the one sharing) with an abusive partner.
From my 20 years experience with relationships. 1) Died at 30 - this one was super sad. I had a 6 year old daughter to him. After that.... downill. 2) BiPolar husband - never did anything to help out. Same situation as yours.... just bad all around. I did have a son with him that is now 17. I went through years of Hell with this man. He was also a Narcissist and if you'll search the term, I am sure some of your boyfriends qualities fall in to the categories.
I left him when my children were 4 and 8 and never looked back. He never paid a dime of child support after he left. Was in an out of Jail, and when he did pay, he threatened me with taking him forever, so I just dropped the support and took full custody. He no longer had any control over my life. Pray about it. I started going to church... not every week, but when I needed extra support. We made it through.
My daughter is 22 and my son will be 18 and was just accepted to UF. During this 13 or so years of being single, I only dated a few times, however it seemed as the dates moved forward that I was only choosing the same style of man. My aunt once asked me why I seemed to choose men who were "less worthy" then me. And, she wasn't saying that these men weren't "good people", they just didn't have good actions. And, actions are key in a relationship.
Compassion, empathy, consistency, fairness, patience, and most importantly love. It sounds to me like he has some sort of mental thing going on. It would most likely be best if you separated and both worked on what is happening. If he is willing to dig deep on his end to figure out why he is putting the "one he loves" through hard times. That is not love. Take care of yourself. And remember - Children are better off with 1 parent who is stable and loving, than 2 parents who always argue. The child will learn the negative behavior and the chain will never be broken.
Add your voice! Click below to answer. ThriftyFun is powered by your wisdom!
