My fiance and I moved into his house (I own my own home and it is now rented at a loss), with his 3 children who go back and forth between him and their mom every week. They are in elementary school, but I am responsible for their care, i.e., breakfast, packing school lunches, attending school functions, field trips, homework, making dinner, cleaning house, laundry, etc. I have a teenage son who moved in with me and he has a room in the basement and gets very little attention from my fiance.
Here's the big problem: I am disabled and collect SSDI for myself and for my son. It's not a lot of money, but it covers my expenses like car insurance, cell phones, RX plan, vet for my dog, prescriptions, and doc visits; all of which I pay for with my disability money. I have no savings and no retirement funds and I am unable to get life insurance. When I moved in I felt like I needed to contribute financially, so I was giving him $1000 a month, which is half of my entire income. He gave me a credit card that I am allowed to use to buy groceries, take all the kids out to dinner, etc. and even to buy some stuff for myself, although I don't need much, as I stay at home.
Now he is angry that I am refusing to continue giving him any money. He said he doesn't see us getting married in the near future and that we need to live by a budget. BTW, he makes 6 figures and travels a lot, so I care for his kids on many overnights while he is traveling.
Am I crazy to think that I earn my keep by taking care of his kids and the household. He said that obviously he will pay for everything while I contribute nothing. I still need to pay all of my expenses and I have to save some money in case I die and so my kids have something for college and so that I have something to retire with if he will never marry me. His ex is still his beneficiary on his very large life insurance policy and he refuses to add me to his health insurance even though my medicare only covers 80% of my medical expenses.
I can't move out because I rented my home and I moved in with him in a very expensive city where I can't afford even a small apartment. What is up and how do I make him understand my value as an equal partner?
Please help. I love this man, but this seems very strange to me and to all my friends.
I should also mention that we had a wedding planned, which he cancelled and then said he made a mistake. Once I moved in, he said he no longer was ready to get married, but is committed to me and will marry me when he feels he is ready.
By Michelle M.
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My advice is to get out. IF he loved you he wouldn't be demanding so much. IF you are disabled how are you managing to do everything you listed? He saw you as an easy mark for a nanny and house keeper. Why isn't the kids mother doing some of the running and preparing meals, etc. for them? They are her kids. Give your tenants a month notice and in the meantime find an inexpensive sleeping room that you and your son can share for a month. When you moved in with this cheap skate you should have put everything expected from each of you in writing.
I fully agree with redhatterb! Your "boyfriend" has a live-in 24 hour servant who takes care of child care, house, etc. Of course, he also has, I assume, a 24 hour "bed partner" as well. It is clear that he can now and plans so in the future, to essentially do whatever her pleases and you are stuck with many of his responsibiities while not receiving much in return.
You must leave with your son quickly as best you can, return to your own house and move on to a better life. In our culture (and most or all others in this world!), the woman is usually viewed as the one at fault for any problems in the relationship. You are not the problem in your relationship but you are "letting" yourself continue in his very self-serving gameplan.
He promised you marriage to get you to move in. Then, once you were stuck there with your own house rented, he knew he had free child care and housekeeping.
Now he's pushing to see how much more he can take advantage of you. Can he get you to commit to $1000 a month? How about ALL your SSDI? Can he get you to wear a collar and bark like a dog?
How about you make your renter leave (I really hope it's a month-to month-lease!) and move back into your home as soon as possible. Then spend the $1000 a month getting psychological counselling to find out where your lack of self-esteem comes from.
After that, you can start saving the money.
He's got it made. He's going nowhere; why should he; he has free baby sitter and seems to me he's made it clear he doesn't want a wife. Are you willing to settle?
This isn't love when you are treated like a slave and treated disrespectfully. Give your tenant notice, and move back to your own place. If you have to wait a bit, find someone else to board with for you and your son for a short time.
Wouldn't surprise me that he's gone a Honey on the side. He can share his kids with his wife and you so that gives him plenty of time to enjoy a girlfriend. She probably doesn't want his kids - smart lady.
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