My boyfriend and I want to move in together. He says that he is "uncomfortable" with the idea of me being on the mortgage or the deed to the home. We've been together for three years. While I understand where he is coming from, I on the other hand am "uncomfortable" paying on a mortgage for a home that I'm not tied to. I myself want to own a home too. I haven't looked into buying a home because we have talked about moving in together.
We have five children between us and need a large home. I couldn't afford to buy a house big enough for all of us, but he can. He offered to have me help with the bills like utilities for an agreed amount of time until I was comfortable paying towards the mortgage. It's a nice gesture, but that won't make me feel any more comfortable. It seems as though he has this "what if this doesn't work out" mentality. I feel like I am being forced to think like that too now. If it doesn't work out I'm out on my bum with nothing and have to start over. Any advice?
By Renee
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You have five kids between you, are all of them there all of the time? If not, you don't need that large of home. The kids that are there part time can make do in sleeping bags, or air mattresses on the living room floor or on the floors of the other kids bedrooms.
The part time kids don't need rooms of their own, unless you guys are filthy rich. Solve the problem by getting a rental, that way their wouldn't be any debate over who pays what. You could both be on the lease and have it in writing and notarized that you will split the rent, utilities, groceries, renter's insurance, etc. half and half. If each of you have your own cars, each one of you should be responsible for them.
Until you get married having everything in writing and notarized is the only way to protect yourself. Also each one of you tends to your own kid's expenses. Furthermore, make sure you have some cash in your own checking account, and your own charge card, and also stash away some cash where he can't get hold of any of it and he doesn't even have to know about it, that way if you and your kids have to get out on the spur of the moment you have something to depend on. I advise young women to do this, even if they are getting married. You just never know.
I think you need to go with your gut on this one. His position is really undermining your relationship, and will continue to do so. Tell him that you are "uncomfortable" paying for a house you have no interest in.
Moving in with someone is a big step but you need to look at everything (pros & cons) before making that step. No one knows your present situation but you. Are you both getting along well now (and not just thinking this move will "solve everything"?
is it to yours and his advantage (financially & personally) to make this move? Are you both renting now?
I believe the odds for success in having both names on a mortgage are very low. If he can afford to buy a house (and that is what both of you want) then why not consider your share as rent for now? Maybe your share can be less than you are paying now? After all - renting is helping "someone" pay a mortgage?
Are any of the children yours & his? That is a big factor as well as the ages of the children. It makes a hugh difference in children's behavior when they are living under the same roof as opposed to how you are living now. But this will give you a good idea as to how it would be if you were married.
I would strongly recommend that you both seek the advise of a counselor as this is a big move and you may not want to do it after getting some professional advise. But if you decide to go through with it - you may know more about the pitfalls and try to avoid them.
I can see why you'd be uncomfortable but personally, I would not be on a mortgage with someone I'm not married to. If his attitude is "if this doesn't work out" is a red sign and he has his doubts. Blended marriages with children posses a lot of potential problems.
On the other hand, if you're not on the mortgage you had better plan for your future housing without him. However, If you are on the mortgage and the relationship doesn't work out you will have a mess on your hands similar to a messy divorce. Doesn't he see where you're coming from in not wanting to pay for a house you don't own? If not, that's not a good sign.
Personally I would not be moving in with him without marriage. I'm in my 70's and not conservative by nature, but I think it'as a bad idea all the way around. If you were single with no children I'd say "live with him if you want, marriage or not". If the relationship doesn't work out living with him and his children could be traumatic for all the children involved. Down the road this may be considered a common law marriage; at least it is in TX.
This is certainly a tricky issue. You boyfriend is certainly not thinking that you are moving in with him for life, as if you were getting married. You need to find out what the law is in your state/province. Here in Saskatchewan, a couple that lives together for two years are considered to be married under common law, and whether your name was on the mortgage or not, you would own a share of the house. How much might depend on how much of the house he had paid for before you moved in (if he has been paying on this house for 10 years before you moved in, you would likely not be entitled to half the value of the house, you see).
Anyway, I think you should consult a lawyer about this arrangement, or at the very least try and find out what the law is. You could consider your contribution to the mortgage "rent", but I would certainly make sure your financial records clearly show who contributes what to the family home and its upkeep. I am also a believer in keeping separate bank accounts. My ex husband and I did that for our entire marriage. Our marriage did not suffer from money issues. We discussed and agreed upon our various financial responsibilities.
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