My sister had an affair three years ago and her marriage has not been good since her daughter's birth 6 yrs ago due to him yelling, calling her names, and saying he wouldn't feed her. It just got worse when the affair came about. He constantly calls her names, threatens anyone that goes against him, goes into my sister's accounts and deletes things, and calls her names daily in front of kids. She has gone to counseling cause he tells her she's the crazy one because she cries from his words. She tried leaving a year ago, but he told her not to, so she didn't because he said she would never hear of the affair or be called names anymore.
By Cc
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The first thing is to keep your nose out of it. Let your sister know she can talk to you, but don't offer advice or meddle. Your sister is a mature woman, if she really wants to leave she would.
Hello - I know how you feel as I also had a loved one that went through a similar situation, but, I agree with "redhatterb" that you should only be there for support and not give "advice" as in the end she may pull away from you because she knows how you "feel" about her husband.
She has to make this decision by herself and it isn't really about the "how to support the kids" as many have gone through this and survived. There is all kinds of help in almost any city - even churches will many times help her find a way if she truly wants to make a new life for herself and her children.
I am sure there are programs that are available once she makes the move. Going back and forth will not work and she definitely should try to not have any more children with this man.
We can only offer answers the way we see it so please understand that responders are only trying to offer different solutions for someone to consider.
She needs to get out of that house as soon as she safely can along with the children. His hate knows no bounds. One of these days he will go too far and it will be too late. Women and children are killed everyday!
When Battered Person Syndrome (BPS) manifests as PTSD, it consists of the following symptoms: (a) re-experiencing the battering as if it were recurring even when it is not, (b) attempts to avoid the psychological impact of battering by avoiding activities, people, and emotions, (c) hyperarousal or hypervigilance, (d) disrupted interpersonal relationships, (e) body image distortion or other somatic concerns, and (f) sexuality and intimacy issues.[6]
Additionally, repeated cycles of violence and reconciliation can result in the following beliefs and attitudes:[7]
The abused thinks that the violence was his or her fault.
The abused has an inability to place the responsibility for the violence elsewhere.
The abused fears for his/her life and/or the lives of his/her children (if present).
The abused has an irrational belief that the abuser is omnipresent and omniscient.
My husband was (and sometimes still is) verbally abusive too. I tried everything and my last resort was simply writing in a journal all the things he said. I separated from him but didn't divorce, kept in constant contact via e-mail, and we eventually got back together. With three sons it is hard to get away.
One time I wrote down all the insults I had written in one of my journals - he compared me to just about every animal in the encyclopedia, called me a whore, a bitch, etc, etc in three languages... when I showed the list to him he felt bad and changed.
He has been better for about ten years now, but we don't spend the whole year together. He has never contributed much to our marriage financially, and although I have always been faithful, he is always imagining that I will betray him with some other man.
I feel stuck and don't have the courage to just leave him and start a new life. I wish I had done so even with a baby or two in tow. My advice to you is to DIVORCE! You shouldn't have had an affair and now your husband really has something he can keep a grudge on you about.
Don't feel stuck, you will always have something to eat. Looks like you might even get some alimony, that is better than my situation since my husband is unemployed and not looking for work. There are plenty of nice fish in the sea who won't verbally abuse you. The words your husband calls you are better labels for him, not you.
Turn your back, take the jump of faith. Don't waste your whole life on a person who is so seriously clueless. You deserve to love yourself, and how can you if all you hear is negativity? Go for it. Good luck.
You know, of course, that your sister should leave this man as soon as possible. However, that is easier said than done. Perhaps you can do some research on shelters, jobs, places to stay, etc. so there are some answers to those questions.
As one of the other posters has suggested, she may believe all the things that her husband has been telling her, and so think that she is at fault. You must support your sister as much as you can, but I do not think that this is a time to MYOB. I left my husband; he was not abusive, I was employed fulltime and had no read money issues, and my kids were teens who supported me on the move, but it was very hard to figure out what to do, where to go, how to manage the move, etc.
I can see how your sister could be frozen in place, overwhelmed with the problem. If you could come up with the plan of how to leave him, and help her escape, rather than just give "advice", it might be what she needs to get away. Perhaps she needs her family and friends to swoop in and just move her out, like an intervention!
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