Yes, me and my husband want to have our first baby and nobody in our family's think we are ready and everybody wants us to wait...what should we do?
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You didn't say how old you are.......are you financially stable?.........how long have you been married? do you own your home? are you ready to be 100% responsible for a child for the rest of its life? raising children is hard...
they need constant supervision, they need you at all hours , morning usually when you are sound asleep at 4 or 5 a.m. , noon when you sit down for lunch oops theres a poopy diaper to change, at night when they have colic and cry for hours on end and you have no way to soothe them.........I'm not trying to be hard on you but this is life and so much more raising a child is a full time job..........so if you say yes to all those things then I would say you are ready!!!!!
I strongly agree with wrdnkwmn - sound advice.
If you have just been married, spend more time together and get to know each other even more. Vacation, go on couples weekends, etc.
Once thing I have learned about my family that I never wanted to believe was that they are often right. They have known me all of my life and I have learned to respect the sheer amount of years that they have been alive on Earth. Time is the ultimate experience.
My sister says that having a child is the most important job in the world, but there is no training for it available.
There is always time to have children. You lose nothing in waiting.
It is a huge responsibility and will change your life forever.
Remember, there is plenty of time. God bless you - don't make mistakes you might be sorry for later.
You need to remember if you wait for the perfect time you might not ever have a child. As long as you can support the child with life's necessities I say go for it. Things will work out.
I would ask yourself these questions:
Are you and your husband emotionally stable to raise a child?
Are you two financially stable enough to take care of your child BY YOURSELF? Meaning can you not only pay all of your bills and living expenses every month but can you then afford baby clothing, diapers, food, misc baby supplies, health care, etc for the baby?
Have you two had time as a couple to truly know each other and live a life that has been just the two of you?
Have you thought about your future? What I mean is do you and your husband have good jobs or a good education to fall back on if you by freak chance you lost your job? Have you completed some of your major life goals?
Is your age and that of your husband an appropriate age to start a family?
I know some of these questions may seem silly but all of them are important. I will use myself as an example to show why I ask these questions of you. I was 15 when my husband and I started to date. We knew we loved each other right a way and wanted to get married. We became engaged my first year in college and set the date for summer after I graduated from community college. Luckily my husband had already completed his degree and had an OK job. We moved in together and about 5 months before we got married I found out I was pregnant. Wow! I did not feel ready at 19 yrs old to be a mom. Our whole life changed. We no longer could afford to do the fun things like go out to dinner or go to movies because all our extra $ went to pay off debt and buy a house and a sensible family car. I felt stressed and very disappointed that I would have to take time off school because it would be too expensive to afford school AND daycare. After we had our baby we were able to buy a house but it left us on an extremely tight budget. We could pay our bills and expenses but had little to none leftover. The only way I could work to make ends meet without paying the high cost of daycare was to work opposite shifts as my husband. This meant we NEVER had a day off that wasn't on a holiday we had to spend with our families anyway.
I know that the most important thing you should do to be a good parent is to love your child but love doesn't pay the bills or put food on the table. You really need to have your ducks in a row.
Being ready emotionally and financially helps cut down on unnecessary stress in your life and will help make you a better parent in the long run.
As a previous poster mentioned you really have to be realistic about what having a baby is like. It is not all about "Hallmark card" moments. My baby had colic the first 3 months and screamed EVERY DAY from 12:00-7:00! I am not exaggerating. Having a baby will leave you little to no time to yourself. You have to think about being up all night or missing work when your baby is sick. You have to think about how it may change your relationship with your husband.
No matter what any one else says only you and your husband can decide if you are ready. I hope you do listen to the advice you have been given by family and those of us here because If you are not ready it would be wise and mature to wait. You have to think if you could give your future baby a life it deserves. When you have child it should be because you are 100% ready. It would be much better to admit to yourself now if you are not ready then after you have a baby. Good luck.
Wvrdnkwmn made a lot of the same points I would have. If you are young, and/or just married, have fun with your husband and friends first. Build on the relationship with your husband before you have a child, because a child is going to take up a lot of your time and energy. If you plan on staying home with the baby, and are currently working, make sure your finances will allow you to do so (take a look at Dave Ramsey's website and books for more on that). Make sure your "house" is in order before you think about having a baby.
Not knowing if you've been married for 5 months or 5 years makes it harder to give an answer, but if your family says to wait, they probably have some good reasons for saying it.
Yes, I am 21 and me and my husband just recently got married in May, but we have been together for 5 years. I think that we are both ready and no, we are not financially ready but we say just do it because no-one is ever financially stable "unless you a millionaire" which I am not. We love each other and I think that I would have no regrets.
We had our first child when we were 23. We had been married for 2 yrs. My husband had just graduated and was unemployed. We had nothing except what people gave us, and it was wonderful. So wonderful that, 15 months later we had another one. That time we didnt even have a home and lived with my parents. It was still wonderful. If you constantly try to guess the future you'll never do anything. Babies are fantastic little people. It's hard sometimes but most of all it's FUN. Have them while you're young enough to survive on 4 hrs sleep and still be full of energy. I was 38 for number 3 and I feel like a wreck!
You didn't say your age or how long you've been married. These two factors are important.
You also didn't say what you and your husband have done to prepare to be parents.
There is no good time to have a baby. Often they come when they will. I would carefully listen to your friends and relatives, especially their reasons why you should not have a baby now.
The important factor is what is best for the baby. Figure out what you need for a successful family. Prepare the best you can,, and then have one.
If you have to ask if you're ready for a family, I would say you are not.
Also remember that having a baby puts a magnifying glass on every other little problem you have. Babies don't fix anything or solve problems. Unfortunately a lot of people have babies for those reasons.
Sorry, but yes, you do need to be financially stable before starting a family. Babies cost a lot of money. A young lady I work with wanted a baby really bad but couldn't even afford groceries for her or her husband! She just found out she is having twins! They have no idea how they are going to provide for them. They can't make a car payment or rent payments even tho both of them are working. I feel so bad for the babies. 21 is young by today's standards. I think work a few years and save as much as you can and then re-evaluate the situation. On the subject of a mom wanting her married kids to have babies and if she should ask them their plans, Dr. Phil just said this morning, God has a plan, you just don't have a say in it.
If you and your husband are committed to raising your child as opposed to dumping him/her in daycare, I say go for it! I recently gave birth to my 8th child and my husband and I count ourselves to be truly blessed and truly rich! Things are often tight and we don't drive around the nicest vehicles, but kids really don't care about that! They want YOU and not someone you pay 100.00 a week to take care of them. Make the sacrifice and stay home with them! You'll be glad you did.
Ultimately it is your decision, but you should consider why everyone wants you to wait. Are you very young? Have you only recently married? Does your family like your husband? Are you financial stable? Are you really ready for the responsibility? Every baby deserves a loving home and family. Be as sure as you can that you are ready to do this before you start trying.
Actually, my dear YOU need to ask yourself & husband also needs to be asking himself... Can I be honest even with myself and my spouse to admit that I am willing to play the role's as most past relations have stood on. This means that if you have a child, and/or children, and you have other ideas and possible plans for the future, you may as well post pone it. As life goes on, in all walks of life, some problems occur that you never dreamed. These problems can and will esculate into more severe ones.
Once that child is born, your life has been planned for you, YOU have then forfieted your chance at further education and any other plans. Because, if you think that you can have it all, as I did, you are sadly mistaken. The children, you and your spouse will suffer the end result and it is possible that the child could resent you.
Take time, search your heart and mind, even get on the computer and ask about things that you might dream about and think that it will never be possible.
It might just be possible, if you go for an education now, and broaden your horizens. If then you both feel the same way, then you will be more prepared and blessed. A child is not your property and they will one day tell you so. But they could be a protozay of one of you. And further down the road when regrets come in, you can't change the past. Your chance to do that is now. Give your future family a better start. Life is much more rewarding when you can look back and can say, I wouldn't have changed a thing. Most are not that lucky!
Only you and your husband can tell when you are ready. Others may have their own reasons and agendas for the advice they give to you. I am the only sister in the family who gave birth to boys and my sisters have been jealous for 20 years. I am the youngest of 4 sisters who span 16 years apart in age. They never sent a baby gift or congratulations on any of my children, but when it was time to care for my elderly parents it was left up to me. I am glad that I had my children, because if I hadn't I would have regretted it immensely. They are true family. Follow your instincts and heart. Good luck and God Bless
Hi Susie,
I'm a Susie too. We have 2 adult boys. They are 21 and 19 years old. I was 22 years old when I gave birth to our first child. I was not ready to have children. I don't think anyone is really ready for this life changing experience. I do know that if I could have had a dozen, I would have. I can't believe that our boys are grown. There are three things that I can say to always remember. 1- Only you and your husband can decide when you are ready for kids. 2- When you do have children, you must follow your own instint. You know what the baby needs. 3- Teach your children" There is a GOD and you're not HIM". You have to tell your kids NO, sometimes. This will help your children when they grow up, 'cause no one gets their way ALL the time. Oh, yes, I almost forgot, Enjoy your kids, they won't be little for long.
GOD Bless,
Susie
If everyone on his side and your side say they think you should wait, then something is up. There is probably at minimum one true factor out of the total factors your families are presenting, or thinking, behind their surmising you're not ready. We avoid many mistakes in life by opening our ears and eyes to other's experiences and wisdom. Twenty one is young. You've just been married. Enjoy each other for at least a year or two. Save some money. Grow a little older. You will never get that alone time with your husband until you're approaching your 40's or 50's depending on how many kids you have! Like I said, if EVERYONE, or nearly everyone, in both of your families feels this way then there's something to it. (Don't be proud and stubborn.) Open your mind that you may not see yourselves as exactly you are. Your families likely love you very much and want the best for you. I have three beautiful children. I love them with all my heart! They are more precious than GOLD. They also were either sick or severely colicky the first year of their lives, and it was not something I could've handled had I not been 26 when starting out. You could have a baby with cancer, or heart problems, or simply feeding difficulties like mine. Don't expect the worst. Certainly don't hope for the worst. But be realistic and consider the worst. Make sure you could handle it with God's help, while having your maturity, finances, and family support as needed!
You really need to wait until you are older and financially stable. Do you have full time jobs? Do you have a college education? Do you have a strong marriage (not counting whatever boyfriend-girlfriend relationship you had before)? Do you own a home to take the baby home too? Think about the life you are giving the baby, not about the bundle of joy you are wanting to give yourselves. My husband and I have waited 5 years to have a baby until we could answer "yes" to all those questions, despite relatives pressuring us to have a baby sooner. We're educated, employable, have a nice home, and have a strong marriage. We are 25 and 30. If we'd had a baby any sooner, we'd be uneducated, have hardly any job skills (we'd have been to busy with the baby to learn new things), we couldn't have saved toward a home, and we would have been stressed out and probably fighting all the time. You have the rest of your lives to have children together. Don't rush it. If you want to do something "big" in your lives, get a new degree or work towards saving to buy a home. Get a dog. But WAIT to have kids.
Another thing to consider is that no matter how wonderful your husband is, when you have the baby, YOU HAVE the baby -- for years. And YOU have that baby until he is 18, or maybe 21. It is the very rare dad that takes responsibility for daycare, babysitters, chauffeuring the kid to soccer games, walking the floor with the colicky baby, visiting the school when there is a problem, sewing the Halloween costumes or taking them trick or treating, hiding the Easter basket, purchasing the school supplies, helping with the homework, making sure the chores get done, and all the other mundane tasks that a mom must do. Don't get me wrong. I love my kids; they are the best thing that I've ever done. But I was 30 when I had my first one; 35 with the third. I had been there, and done that -- whatever "that" was, and I was ready and willing to do what needed to be done to raise my 3 boys. And I was married at 19.
Get a puppy, and see how that goes.
You have no idea how much your life will change with a baby. Enjoy your marriage, just the two of you, for awhile.
Louise from Nipawin, Canada
You really need to make sure you ask and ANSWER all the questions you think are important before having a baby. People often blow off the tough questions or just assume everything will be ok, but your child deserves better than that (hey, if you won't put a little effort into seriously planning a baby then why do you think you'd put in the effort to properly raise one?)
You can answer some questions ahead of time by actually practising. For example, if you think you are financially ready to have a baby, then take a few months (or a year - the longer the better to really feel it) and live as if you already had the baby - take all the money you'd have to spend on diapers, wipes, baby food, clothes, etc. and put it aside. If you find you have to spend that money on anything else, then you're not ready because it means you'd have to go into debt to have the child. The upside of this experiment is that you get a feeling of what your new budget will be like and you can then take all the money you saved (because you didn't actually have to buy anything during this time) and use it to get a head start on the bigger baby stuff or savings for you and your child.
Also, please, please, please make sure you and your husband talk seriously about your expectations once the baby is here. So many couples think they agree on things, but it turns out they assumed way too much. You and your husband may have said that you'll share responsibility for the child, but you may find out too late that your definitions of sharing, responsibility, or fairness are different. Talk about specifics - do you expect him to take on half of the responsibilities when he's not working? do you both know exactly what you'll have to give up because of the lack of time, energy, and finances? do you know what kind of parenting your husband had as a child (we often revert to that mode in times of stress) and do you agree on methods of discipline and how you want to raise your child? are you both ready to deal with your families after the baby is born? even families who are 100% behind having babies can be stressful once everyone starts putting in their two sense about child rearing and if your family doesn't agree with your decision, you may have an even harder time.
Take the time to really answer the hard questions and make sure your husband can do the same. People may say you can never be prepared for a baby, but I think they are wrong. While we may not know exactly what it will be like or what obstacles we'll meet along the way, we can plan for many things (like finances, having a strong foundation in a marriage first) and we can know that we are strong enough, smart enough, and have the support needed to get through anything unexpected that comes our way. There's no need to go into this blind.
I am having exactly the same problem as you. My husband and I are 25 and have been married for about 8 mos. We both want to have a baby soon but my family does not agree. I do agree that it would be a good idea to buy a house first, but with the market like it is, that may not happen for a few years. My concern is that by the time we are truly "financially ready" my fertility will be declining! We would like 2 children and do not want them too close together so I feel like a clock is ticking! I want to be young and healthy when I have a baby, not old and bitter after having missed an opportunity! I hate the stress of all of this and wish everyone could be a little more understanding of how difficult it is to try to balance what your heart is telling you with what your head is telling you!
And yes, you do lose something in waiting, your fertility!
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