My husband cheated on me. Well at least I feel like he did. We are really young and just had a baby this December. We have a really "pure" relationship. We normally don't go out with friends and never the opposite sex without one another. We are both very jealous people yet love each other. Last night he admitted that the night before he went out to a local bar and these two girls met with him for drinks, his friend bailed on him. He confessed this to me last night because he feels so guilty even though he didn't do anything and I would never have known about it.
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Brittany,
First of all, I know how hard it is to have a new baby. All your feelings are probably exaggerated because of hormones, lack of sleep, etc. Your husband is probably getting used to this new life too. You said that you are both young, his friends are probably young too and aren't used to thinking about their friend as a "Dad", with grown up responsibilities. You said that he has cheated on other women before, but I imagine that those were just girlfriends, not a wife and the mother of his child.
I would take a deep breath, have a good cry and give him the benefit of doubt. It doesn't sound like you believe that he did anything that crossed the line. Use this as a chance to make your marriage stronger. Make sure that he is involved in the parenting process. Even if you are not in a great financial situation, he can still help with the baby, help around the house and be a great dad!
Also, if you have family close by that can watch the baby, go out for a night out together! Show him that you are the only girl that he needs. The fact that he told you about it shows that you are the most important thing in his life.
I have been married for almost 10 years and we haven't always seen eye to eye on things. We both have "slipped" over the years with flirting and such. We have always used the low points in our marriage to really talk about what we want and need. He is my best friend and a wonderful father and husband.
Good luck and congratulations on your new baby. I've gotta go, my 4 year old is eating honey straight from the bottle. What fun you have to look forward to!
jess
I think you should give him some slack. If you two are to remain married, you absolutly should not be hawking your hunny like that nor should he do that to you. It sounds to me like you both have some SERIOUS trust issues. I would highly reccomend talking with a marriage counsoler. My husband has seperate friends than I have and we have friends we made together. There are far better things to worry about in life besides which girl your hunny is talking to. Unless of course you can't trust the guy as far as you can throw him, in which case, you may want to consider why you married him in the first place. End over end, go talk to a marriage counsler or preacher at your church.
Hi, Brittany
Just my opinion,, but anyone who goes to a bar to release or relax is looking for more than just a drink, whether they realize it or not. He can sit at home and have a beer. And another thing to think about, if he's having trouble taking care of you, then why in the world was he blowing money in a bar.
Jealousy is going to be the thing that causes your marriage to fail. If you truly believe that your husband did not flirt or do anything inappropriate at that bar then why worry about it? If he is stating his love to you and coming home to you every night, then NO, this is NOT worth you leaving. Get over the jealousy, both of you. Get some trust going in that relationship and things will get better, quickly. I don't quite understand what you mean by you have a "pure" relationship with your husband, but it sounds to me like you both need to try to live a little and have more fun together. My husband goes out with his friends and sometimes there are women there. No big deal. It doesn't bother me so it's not an issue. Think of your new baby before making any rash decisions please.
Been there, done that and got the T-shirt. As Dr. Laura would say, Pack up the baby and you, go home to Mom and Dad, file for divorce and start over. Once a cheater, well you know. Anyway, at your young age you really don't know what you want and neither does he. Remember, this comes from someone who has BEEN THERE! Best thing right now, is to take care of the baby and that means taking care of you both. Go home or to a safe relatives house and start over.
P.S. If you are a believer talk to someone in your church also, they can pray and maybe help.
Brittany, you have gone through a very difficult situation. You can give up on your husband and marriage, or you can do all within your power to let this situation strengthen your marriage. Communication is key--be sure you and your husband are talking. Be sure you are doing what you can to make home a haven for him--a place where he wants to be when he's off work. Take it as a challenge you can conquer--not something that is too much work or effort. Your marriage is worth it!
hi brittany i am very sorry this situation has happened to your family. i would highly recommend contacting or going to http://www.familylife.com
Another site is http://www.family.org again no spaces. i will be praying for you and your husband.
It sounds like he was honest with you. He knew he messed up but tried afterwards to do the right thing.
Are you involved in a local church? A church could provide marital counseling or will know someone who can. Marriages don't just automatically work. It takes effort, and a counselor can help you get on the right track. Going to a marriage counselor doesn't mean your marriage is in trouble. On the contrary, it means your marriage is important enough to you that you will try to nurture it and help it grow.
I wish you and your husband the best of luck. Young people these days rarely stay together long term like they did 50 years ago. But what he did is called emotional cheating. There may have not been anything physical, but he was enjoying other women's company to feel good about himself. He needs to turn to you and only you for that.
Please listen to the advice given by debilou above. If men go to bars where they always seem to just meet up with women, especially if they've cheated before, they are not just looking for some innocent fun. A good rule of thumb is that if a husband or wife go anywhere or do anything that they wouldn't be open about sharing with their spouse, they shouldn't be doing it. And if they have to make assurances that "nothing really happened," this is definitely a red flag! I would also suggest prayer and speaking with your pastor about what marriage really means. Even if you're not a member of the church, any good Christian church will be happy to help you. Hope things work out for your family.
NO, if he didn't do anything you shouldn't leave him. He said he's sorry; you should be able to tell if he's sincere. I would take the following actions:
1) I would go to the library and find a good book on making relationships work. These books often have very good ideas and insight about communication in them. I would be very careful about what book, but really, the for dummies series and that kind often give mainstream solid advice
I would also make time for each other even though you have a baby.
I would talk about how YOU feel about him not being able to support the two of you. Tons of high quality hard working people are getting left out in this "trickle down" economy. If you don't look down on him, let him know all the time.
I make a ritual of telling my SO that I love her and talking about all the things she did or has done that make her special. You have to do that everyday.
Finally, realize that people are just human and everyone has flaws and weaknesses. It whether they're willing to deal with them that makes them who they are.
I have been married for 46 years, I got married at 18, my husband was 20. There are always times of crisis, but I believe that just trusting each other and believing the best ,will work out for you. Dr. Phil once said, "You can be right or you can be married." Listen to the others that say, "Relax." I have four children and I know how the emotions can upset the apple cart after a birth. It sounds like you have a good man. Hang in there. As for couselling, I remember the counselor (with a PHD) my sister knew well in her neighborhood. His children revealed that he was keeping a couple together until after they could borrow their motor home for a vacation. Don't necessarily think they know everything, but one might point to over reacting, which in all of my experience, I believe you are. But, I don't put down your feelings. I got really upset with my husband once and was ready to think about leaving. I went to the grocery store and thought to myself, my gosh, these are the people I would have to hope to date.That was scary.
My goodness, what a bunch of good advice! I remember very well those first days of motherhood, not sure if things would be the same with my husband, etc. Six kids and 22 years later, I am secure in my love for my husband, and he is also secure. That is because we made a DECISION on our wedding day that DIVORCE was not be a word even SPOKEN to each other. That meant, that we had to work things out, that we would always go to each other and that we would always be honest and transparent with each other. If your man is worth it, and it sounds like he is, then go after him again, woo him back and make him WANT to come home to YOU! God will help you, He is the creator of married love and smiles on married lovers. God Bless You, your husband and your family. Kim
Brittany.. I know how heart broken and betrayed you feel. My friend
went through this when we were young also. But she was actualy cheated on. She couldnt look at him let alone let him touch her. There were alot of tears, and many nights of begging for forgiveness.
She stayed with him because of the kids, being young and scared to face life alone while hating him for what he did. Not to mention no one to talk to. They didnt try hard enough to work through it, they put themselves through alot of misery and also the kids. They stayed together, the kids grew up and left home. After 38 years of marriiage they realized all they needed was each other and to learn to trust one another. You see I am that person...
everyday I wish I go back and do it over and forgive him. We wasted alot of years hurting each other. Our kids would have been alot happier. Somone once told me that if us old folk were
like the young folk of today we would have divorced long ago..
somtimes it pays to stick it out.. what ever you do honey, good luck. Turn to God ok? Ask for help .. you will get an answer. Im praying for you and sending you good energy and thougts.
I've been married for ten years and have a six month old , the best advice is for both of you to enjoy time together as a family. Just watching a movie at home while the baby is sleeping could be a good break to get you two close.
You also must and I say must get over being jealous of others when it comes to your relationship. If you don't trust each other it will never work. Also, you each need to have your own friends and hobbies, do things apart it makes you both happier.
A piece of advice from my best friends grandmother is no matter what...your husband always comes before your kids...As long as you keep your relationship with your husband the number one focus, the children will see that they are being raised in a loving home with parents who care for each other...and when the kids grow up it's just you and your husband...you need to keep the relationship number one.
Good Luck =)
Good grief! Why would you leave your husband for that? I think you two need to have another talk. Tell him that you are a bit insecure since you know he cheated on other women in the past, and that many people believe you can't change a cheater. I think he has to stop going to bars without you or with buddies who bail on him. If the friend leaves, he should leave, too. Besides that drinking is expensive and a time-waster.
Perhaps, if you're going to be a stay-at-home Mom, you could get another child or two to come to your house to provide childcare for and earn a little extra income.
I would also recommend Christian counselling through a church.
Take a good look at your letter. Didn't you tell us that you believed your husband? If you do believe him, why on earth would you ask absolute strangers to help you decide if you should divorce this man that you believe in? Young lady, I believe both of you need to grow up for the sake of your baby. Will you teach that child to cut and run any time something occurs that makes him uncomfortable? OR will you teach her to weigh all the possibilities of reconciliation? If you really love and respect your husband and the sanctity of marriage you will spend a lot of time in prayer before you bail out. Try to calmly write down all the reasons you believe divorce is the correct decision. Then write down the history of this marriage: does your husband routinely
do things that make you happy or angry? If this incident is the worst thing that's ever happened in your marriage, you may have set unreasonable expectations. Give the issues plenty of thought - your thoughts - then YOU make this most important choice on your own, as an adult woman who is also now a mother.
I wish you well.
Bubbe
I tend to disagree with some of the posts who accuse your husband of trust issues. he met a friend who left, did something that according to your relationship is not okay, and THEN HE TOLD YOU ABOUT IT. This is a good thing (the telling)!
If he had trust issues, he would not have told you but kept it a secret. Also, the idea that he could have a beer at home is the same has having one out...it isn't the same. I love going out to eat, even if it is something that we can make at home -- it's because you are getting out of the house and change in atmosphere and environment.
I truly think that you both need to get out of the house and some time together - away from the baby. Go out with some friends, meet some new people whatever it takes because if this is the reason you leave, I truly think you will regret it and your child will not have a a father at home.
Marriage vows -- for better or for worse, for richer or poor....he did not sleep with someone, he had a drink. You want to look back 10 years from now and realize you left over a drink?
When I read your story it seems that your husband actually did not cheat on you. He just talked to a member of the opposite sex in a bar. If everybody who did that got a divorce, there would not be a single married person in the world. Try not to worry so much.
Hang in there. Worse things can happen in a marriage and survive if you truly try try try and then try again. Men are very similar and no you can't change them unless it is their desire to change. Very few men grow up in the way women do. Men and women don't think anything alike and that is biological. So, don't quit without realizing that most all men are big boys and need to learn about your perspective on life.So, the one you leave will be replace with one just like him. They can't walk in our shoes and wouldn't want to.Their friends will hound them to be one of the boys and go out and then "bail" just because they're boys. My brother is just starting to grow up and he has been married 7 times and has 9 children and he's 60. My DH of 35 years pouts,squirrels away money,(as if I didn't know") won't stay off ebay but I love him and we have done EVERYTHING wrong at one time or another. But I am stubborn and so is he and we'll die together ......or else ;-)
Wow, lots of advice here for you and anyone else in your situation!
I have to tell you that when I was twenty and my husband was nineteen that he was caught by a neighbor kissing another girl in their family swimming pool. It was so incredibly painful for me and that pain lasted for years. He was also the type to always go to bars with the guys, to topless dance clubs, took trips without me; like camping, snowmobiling, and hunting trips. All I ever wanted in my marriage was to be with him and couldn't understand why he needed all of that, and not me. It has been a pretty rough marriage, though it has lasted (barely) for 25 years. I am now to the point that I want to leave but he cries and begs me to stay. So, to keep from hurting him, I only hurt myself.
What I am trying to say to you is this: if he has behavior that you don't like now, what do you think it is going to do over the life of your marriage? You need to set your boundaries now and tell him that his actions hurt you and he needs to stop. He is a married family man now and needs to behave like one; that would involve doing things with his wife and child and not at the bar with the guys and single women.
And, I have to tell you that no matter what you do in your life, you need to get over the jealousy thing. It will get you absolutely no where and will cause nothing but trouble. Jealousy won't stop anyone from committing adultery if that is what they want to do; and, it usually just causes more trouble in a marriage because you are always focusing on what could happen, or what may have happened, than focusing on what really did happen!
Best wishes to you, take care of yourself and your baby, be true to yourself.
First, you sit him down and tell him exactly how this has made you feel. Don't leave anything out. Even his going out was not right. Then if you love him and want to stay married to him you have to forgive him. It doesn't mean that you forget but that you forgive. You can't bring it up again. If it comes to your mind you have to remind yourself that you have forgiven him and are not going to even think of it. Because if you do, you are the one being hurt over and over. He has to prove that he is trustworthy and it won't be overnight. Punishment? I don't think so, if he really loves you and you really love him, you both will be ok.
HSORBITS HAS THE BEST ADVISE OF ALL. ONLY YOU CAN DECIDE WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU. STRANGERS DON'T KNOW YOU OR YOUR HUSBAND SO HOW CAN THEY DECIDE WHAT'S BEST ?
MY HUSBAND IS A TRUCK DRIVER AND TRUST ME IF ANY ONE MIGHT BE LEARY OF SOMETHING HAPPENING IT WOULD BE ME. HE IS GONE ALL WEEK AND HOME ON THE WEEKENDS BUT I HAVE TO TRUST THAT HE WOULD NEVER CHEAT ON ME.
THERE HAVE BEEN A FEW TIMES IN OUR MARRIAGE THAT I WANTED TO GIVE UP FOR VARIOUS REASONS BUT NEVER HAVE.
I GUESS MY POINT TO MY WHOLE STORY IS TRUST AND COMMUNICATION ARE VERY IMPORTANT.
I WOULD FEEL HURT TOO IF MY HUBBY MET WITH OTHER WOMEN FOR ANY REASON WITHOUT ME BEING THERE. BUT I THINK YOU NEED TO TALK TO HIM AND TELL HIM WHY IT BOTHERS YOU.
HE MAY THINK IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL SINCE HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING BUT HOW WOULD HE FEEL IF YOU HAD DONE IT? I'M SURE ONCE HE SEES IT FROM ANOTHER POINT HE'LL REALIZE WHY YOU ARE UPSET. THERE WILL BE MANY UPS AND DOWNS IN YOUR MARRIAGE BUT YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE WHICH BATTLES ARE WORTH FIGHTING AND WHICH ONES AREN'T
GOOD LUCK !
P.S MY HUBBY AND I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 20 YEARS NOW. WOULDN'T GIVE HIM UP FOR ANYTHING
WELL...DEPENDED ON THE OFFER :) LOL
My boyfriend started going out dancing and I got upset over it. I made him leave and in a week he had someone else. What does that tell you? Trust is good but once betrayed, you cannot get it back. My boyfriend lived with a woman for a year and then dropped dead. I felt awful for about two weeks. Now I accept it and know that my relationship was broken long ago. I am sorry that he passed away. He was living with a woman with a bad reputation. I did not live for a whole year. Could not function. I am now ready to "move on" with my life. Death is final. I did not want that to happen to him and I had a lot of hard feelings for about a yr.
If you do stay with him, be sure and get an aids test. For your sake, do this.
Good Luck,
my husband cheated on me with the neighbour and i also worked with this women mind you i never liked her at anytime.i was left with our three very young boys to bring up on my own.he is now fighting me to sell our home which i refuse to do.boy do you ever really know anyone i was marrried to him for 12 faithful years. faithful on my part not his and hes 10 years older than me.guess non of us know the path ahead.i am divorcing him out with the old and all that.""
My mom and dad are now divorced because my dad cheated on her. They broke up when I was 3. And I've pretty much lost contact with my dad. He had a baby with another woman, the woman he was cheating with. And I live with my mom. I am now 11. I don't get to hang out that much with my father. So, I don't think you want your baby to go through with that. It is the most painful thing that could ever happen. Sure, I have a new step dad and my life is happier now. But you are happy with your husband and he swore that he did nothing sexual. And you believe him. It's not worth leaving your husband and hurting your child. It effects your life when your parents break up when you're young. Trust me, it's not worth it.
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