Should you allow a 15 year old to sleep over her boyfriend's house? Her boyfriend is moving around an hour away and his friendly, trustworthy parents are willing to drive if daughter is allowed to sleepover. Also, they are constantly being watched and she sleeps in the boyfriend's sister's room at night and there is no privacy for the couple whatsoever.
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Ok, I'm not going to do any judging here, but remember when YOU were a teenager? You mention no privacy...horny teenagers don't need much!!! Personally coming from a Christian perspective I don't think it's right one bit. But just speaking parent to parent (beliefs set aside) I was a teenager once (not too long ago, 17 years!) and if my Mom said I could sleep at a guys (I would have NEVER asked or even though to) I would have taken that as a "sure you can fool around honey" message.
The moment we had children, our #1 JOB became to protect our children, to raise them right and love them. We are not here to be their friends, we are here to guide, protect, set limits and take care of them. When they are older and wiser, then we can be their friends and let our hold loosen, but at this age, we have to hold steady to what is right and wrong. Kids crave and need stability, without it, they are adrift in a lonely sea, alone with nothing but sharks circling the water. If we don't give them the stability that they need, we fail at our job. If we do all that we can and THEN they rebel, then we have to keep trying, there is no failing in that.
Our teenagers (I have 1 of my own, almost 16 yr boy) are subjected to enough pressure from media, the public and friends to do things that they aren't physically, mentally or emotionally capable to handle at this young age, we shouldn't be giving them permission to mess up.
So since you asked for our advice, I think it's a ridiculous notion. Your question sounds as if your daughter has already done her pleading, those words of "reassurance" sound like those of a teenager trying to spend the night with a boy. And shame on the boys parents for ok'ing something like this anyway, what kind of example does that set for how he should respect himself, his parents or girls! When I was a teenager in the mid 80's you would have never heard of a sleepover with boys and girls, let alone 1 boy and 1 girl! And don't think that a sister makes it innocent, I know many a kids who had willing siblings in the background to look the other way, especially if a few bucks were in the mix!
I do not agree with what you are saying, I am a teenage girl and all your generation think about is teenagers wanting to have sex and thats the only reason that they want to stay. No it isnt because teenagers can have sex anytime they want and the adults job is to trust them so if you really want them to be independant then let them find their own way of life. Sleeping over is not a mistake, its because we want to spend time together, watch films and fall asleep cuddling.
When you are parent, you can 'ask' your teenager what they want and give them what they want. But I think it's absurd too. I don't think teenagers in 'relationships' should be joined at the hip. It's unhealthy. They need to know where their own home is and make sure they get back their every night. I think the Mum above should take the responsibility for picking her daughter up if his parent's can't be arsed driving her back home at night.
I agree with everything that "micha" said and I am an atheist. It is totally absurd. You are just asking for trouble and setting up a precedent for further requests that are "over the line"
And last of all, a 15 year old has no business having a boyfriend that serious anyway. I raised two boys and know where I made mistakes. I am now raising a grand daughter and she has been told from age 8 or so that there will be NO boys until she is a senior at least! No car and no job as well. Their jobs at that age are school and preparing for their future, not concentrating on boys and if they can sleep at their houses, and riding around in cars. They will live through these strict rules and be better people for having them enforced. Once they hit 18, they have the rest of their lives to mess them up on their own
Call me old fashioned but why is it that parents we forgot that from the ascent from three to fifteen that we are still parents. When you three to five, in some cases three to ten year old, was sure he- she could run in front cars and get away with it, you didn't let them did you? All of a sudden were willing to ler them now because their older.
Who are you to say a 15 year old has "no business" being in a serious relationship? I know many people who met their future spouses at this young age and younger and are still happily married. They didn't destroy their lives or futures. You should give teens more credit and not belittle them. Respect them as individuals with real feelings and ideas. You might actually end up learning something yourself.
Good luck with keeping teenagers from having serious boyfriends or girlfriend if they really want to and really like/ love the person. If that is the case and you set down a firm rule that they are not allowed have a boyfriend/ girlfriend, Youre setting yourself up for a world of distrust and conflict. Every kid is different and every family is different. Single moms have it really rough in situations like this. In some cases, its better to make sure they are safe, and can have an open dialogue, doubt fear of being judged or punished. Otherwise they will most likely lie to you, when they they feel youre being illogical and irrational about things that are important to them. At least by staying open, you can help guide them. Being a teenager today is a lot different than it was even 20 years ago.
My sister-in-law had this same situation arise. Her 16 yr old son's girlfriend moved away...She would come visit, spend the night in son's sister's room, paren'ts there, no privacy. Well....it didn't work!!! The son & girlfriend have since broken up and he confided that they had sex while she was at his house. My advice is don't get anything like this started. If you allow it with this boy, she'll ask for it with other boys and other situations. Draw the line now and decide it's worth a fight and your daughter being upset with you. Hold your ground now and maybe it will prevent other problems in the future.
Fifteen does seem pretty young to have such a serious boyfriend....I guess things are different these days tho. I think the boy should come visit your daughter at your house....maybe just for a few hours....like come for dinner but not stay over. I think it will be hard for them to stay as boyfriend/girlfriend if he has moved away....altho when one of them can drive, things may change!
Guess I have a different opinion to some of the others, Have you no trust in your daughter, or her boyfriends parents, whom you say are sensible trustworthy people? You know your own daughter, (and the standard of your relationship with her) so go by that. If you really think that she will jump into bed with her boyfriend the moment no-one's looking, then No.. you're her Mom.. if not, trust her.
It's strange how one word can cause consternation. As the boy is labelled 'boyfriend' alarm bells ring, if he was just a 'friend' who happened to be a boy, would that be different?
Not all teenagers are seething with so many hormones that the only thing they want to do is have sex. Many just want to enjoy each others companionship and have fun.
No, I'm not a teeanger.. I'm a mother of four now adult kids, and grandmother, and great grandma to one little girl too.
No way would I allow a 15-year-old to sleep over at her boyfriend's house! His parents shouldn't allow it, either!
I have 4 grown sons. A sleepover? Ummm, lemme think...NO!
First of all let me say that was not an unusual request from a 16 year old girl today. Where I live in a small town, teenagers are staying over at each other's homes all the time. I believe that if they are going to do something, they will find a way no matter what. If they are supervised and not sleeping in the same bed, I would allow it. Things have changed since we were teenagers and it is a matter of trust. You know your daughter, she is watching to see what you are going to do and will think you trust her or you don't... relationships are also different then when we were younger, so I would have a talk with them both and let them know the rules you want them to follow if you do allow her to stay overnight. Remember they have been exposed to more things than we ever were and do not think the same way we did. Good luck and whatever choice you make, it will be the right one for your family. Ann
We had a cat in heat when I was a teenager. One morning, my father was holding the front door open for her. She took three steps out the door, then rolled on the ground, moaning.
"What are you DOing," I said. "That cat's in heat!"
"It's OK," said my father. "It's daylight." ;D
Tell the fifteen-year-old to write to the boy as much as she wants. She's too young for this kind of relationship.
My rule is: Never follow a man until he marries you; then follow him everywhere.
O.
Hmmm, lots of different opinions on this one. Since your daughter is the one who will get pregnant if something does happen, make sure that she knows about birth control and contraception, etc. Not saying that anything will happen but they are at that age when often those things do.
Only you know your daughter and the other people involved. It will be hard for them to keep their relationship going once he has moved away. I'd encourage them to write letters and emails and think long and hard about whether it's best for her to spend the night there.
Susan
You have got to be kidding ........ There is NO WAY that girl should ever be allowed to spend the night with her boyfriend. Talk about 'enabling'!
i would. my mother couldnt stop me. but my experence has helped me to have a trusting relationship with my son.he has earned that trust.we have talked about the pros and cons of having sex at a young age and i allow my son to have girls over and he has proved himself to me.i always remind both the young adults and i am very open about i dont want anymore grandkids at this time and i will not fix the problem for them.i think you know your daughter and if you need to ask this question maybe you need to get closer to your daughter so youll know what her plans are
i was never allowed in a boys room. nor were they allowed in my room. i think you are asking for trouble them sleeping over like that what is wrong with going there for dinner or spending the day somewhere.
Well, you have had a lot of opinions on the subject, some good, some well.. not mine. I will tell you what I am going thru right now. I have a 16 yr old son and he has a 15 yr old girlfriend. I dont let her spend the night, she is allowed to come over and spend the day with him, but when they are in his room, the door is open into the living room. Well guess what, tonight I found out that they have been having sex in there. Think it wont happen with your child, think again!! It will happen, people sleep, others look the other way, it will happen. As far as the ones that say, well if they want to do it it will happen, they are right, but doenst mean you have to help it along. From now on mine are banned from the bedroom. Maybe its like closing the barn door after the cow is out but I am trying to prevent another little consequence of teenagers having sex.
Why so scared about them having sex
Let her first time be with someone she loves and at least they are in a house. This is how we work. If u tell us that we cant stay over well see each other in the day anyway and yes we might have sex but so what...
you need to learn that your daughter wont get pregnant, shes clearly educated and if shes using contraception then who actually gives a crap. All parents in this world need to chill your parenting wrong
Your causing stress for your teenager and your not allowing her to be happy and grow up. Would u rather they had sex outside, if u tell them they cant in the house they will obviously find somewhere else with shelter and make it romantic. So let them be they are teenagers ffs.
I wanted to add something about the friendly trustworthy parents, sometimes parents not only let their teenagers have sex, they encourage it. My sons aunt is one of them.
The fact that you are asking this question, shows that you are not sure! NO - flat and final!
My oh my are you looking for trouble or what? Just remember...lead us not into temptation. I do not believe that trust wins. When the cats away the mice will play.
Hi, I wouldn't recommend it. I allowed my daughter to sleep over at her boyfriends home when she was a teenager, same precautions etc... The problem I found was that they continued to do this through out their entire relationship. ONce it started I couldn't stop it. I also found that it opened them up to a much more personal relationship......I noticed a greater freedom with one another and in general a more physical relationship. I sensed that I had allowed a door to be opened that at such a young age really needed to be closed. ONce they are given permission to stay over it never ends no matter how many boyfriends they have and this can cause a lot of permiscuise behaviour. I will say that my daughter did end up marrying this particular boy but I made sure none of my other children participated in sleep overs and I saw a difference in how they handled their relationships. I watched this same thing happen to friends kids and all it does , it seems is promote a more serious relationship between the two teens. something that they have plenty of time to do. HOpe this helps. M
I guess I don't see anything wrong with it. As long as the parents are constantly watching them, then it should be fine.
Problem is I can't watch them all the time, have to pee, have to work, and sleep sometimes.
NO! I have no children by birth however I was a teen
so NO and NO.
I am a 16 year old girl, almost 17 and I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years. My mother has always been supportive and fair. When she realised that our relationship is serious, she allowed me to stay at his house..and no, we never had sex..but if that is what you are worried your daughter is going to do..well its stupid. Honestly, she will find a way to do it, and take this coming from a teenager. If not at home, behind a tree..so no matter what precautions you take, if she want to do it, she will! So why not show your daughter you trust her, let her sleep over and you'll see the bond between you will get stronger, the more strict you are the more rebelling she will want to be.
Okay, first of all this isnt a mother speaking or that wrote the request. It was a 15 year old! Some of your feedbacks were rational, while others simply said no with no reason whatsoever. Sleeping over obviously doesnt mean sex at all. If you said she was sleeping over his sister's house, it would be different, wouldnt it? It states CLEARLY that there is no privacy. And my putting them in the room facing the living with the door open; they're still alone. If they have had sex they mustve done it when you were not home, otherwise it just doesnt make any sense to have sex that way. And yes, some teens just wanna have a goodtime with the opposite sex's family. But all of you that said "no", because the first thing that came to mind when you read this was "SEX". No. You're wrong. Think and read over what you think you read. And also read my profile, it comes with more information.
I respect you, you are wise and your teenagers will grow up to be independent and they will live a full filling life
NO NO NO NO
What, the parents are going to stay awake all night to make sure there's no commuting?
NOT A CHANCE.
Kids will do whatever they can get away with-- parents don't need to help. At 15 she's the one who'll have the baby, and Mom, you're the one who'll wind up raising it.
Ever hear of contraception and abortion. Sex does not have to equal baby. Only for those who are willfully ignorant and refuse to speak to their teens about safe sex. Pretending you can prevent teen sex is no foolproof way to make sure it doesnt happen.
This question hits close to home for me. I am 23 yrs old and am happily married to the man I started a serious relationship with when I was 15. My husband and I were lucky to have parents who suported our relationship. My husband is two yrs older and was away at college while I was still in highschool. They allowed him to sleep over on the weekends on the couch in the living room while they were home. Would some people disagree with this? YES! However, I wasn't "given permission" to have sex and I had to have many conversations about safe sex, birth control, pregnancy, trust, etc. And to the shock of all those "NO" posters I didn't get pregnant, I graduated highschool and college with honors and all those parent pleasing things! If you trust your teen and boyfriend as well as the parents you should consider it. I personally would rather have my teen in a serious relationship supervised at a parents house then unsupervised during the typical friday night date a normal teen has.
You people make teenagers look like sex driven irresponsible monsters. Some are, no doubt about that, most aren't. Teenagers are A LOT more responsible than you think. You only hear about the mistakes, and the irresponsible decisions of some irresponsible teenagers. No need to condemn ALL teenagers and judge them all based on that stereotype that the media feeds you.
So many parents are in denial and really believe they can stop there kids from having sex. It's not gonna happen! The main reason for teen pregnancies and such is because parents refuse to confront reality. If your daughter is attractive she either is or will have sex before the age of 18. That is about a 95% certainty and probably long before 18.
I let my daughter's boyfriend sleep over, but he has to sleep in the guest room. However, I hear him go in her room at night but she is on the pill and she has plenty of condoms just in case her boyfriend doesn't.
I don't tell her to have sex, but you can't be in denial, you have to make sure she is prepared.
I say if you trust your daughter, let her spend the night. If you don't trust her, don't let her spend the night. It's really up to you.
What in the world are some people here thinking!? The only time a 15 year old girl might be permitted to sleep over at her boyfriend's house is when her boyfriend is sleeping over somewhere else! I am astounded at how naive some people are. Or maybe this is all part of the trend to be your kid's "pal" rather than their parent. Anyway, this question was obviously written by a kid (only a kid would include only pros, no cons, in the question). No. The answer is No. N-O. Inappropriate and begging for trouble.
Your teenager will end up rebelling and becoming depressed with that attitude. Open your ducking eyes teenagers will do what they want when they want and you should let them to become a grownup. Make a plan instead of saying no...
You gotta be nuts! 15! Let her go back and forth on a train with a parent, same day, and then parents don't have to worry about the commute. I can't believe either set of parents; Neither are responsible. Michawnpita said it all very well....parents are meant to be protectors, not enablers.
Here's a thought experiment. Let's say that your 15 year old daughter is a genuinely trustworthy young lady who really does feel like she wants to be a good girl, for you, for her, and not have sex until she's older. And let's say that this nice young gentleman also is a very respectable young man who has decided he's not ready to have sex yet. Let's pretend.
Now, what if you put these two lovebirds together at night when the moon is full and and the air is full of chemistry. WHAT IF they DID have sex anyway, because they got caught up in the moment, even when in the light of day, they didn't really want to? I mean, all the arguments I've read about the kids possibly having sex just seems to cast the ambiguous blanket of shame over it, like the kids just get to get away with something fun and we should be angry at them for it. IF they DID have sex, what would your daughter be feeling? Would she be happy with what she had done? Maybe, just maybe, she's not old enough to be able to say "no" to sex even if she doesn't want to actually have sex. Maybe her boyfriend isn't old enough either. Maybe somebody old enough to help them out with this one ought to gently and kindly not let such a romantic situation present itself. Because let's face it, saying "no" can be hard sometimes no matter how old you are.
IF they DID have sex, maybe she wouldn't get pregnant, but that's not the only consequence at all. It could drastically change her relationship with this nice young man. It could ruin it. It could make her decide that having sex from now on is okay. She could get pregnant later.
If they're going to have sex "behind a tree" as someone delightfully put it, then they are by George going to have sex behind a tree and there's nothing you can do to stop it. But if they're going to have sex behind a tree, then they probably fully intended to have sex, they're not exactly genuine and trustworthy and the argument is void. Then they're just being naughty children. So, either way, she probably ought not to stay over at her boyfriend's house. The fact that it might be a questionable situation at all to other people looking on at your daughter makes it not respectable, and believe me, I'm not usually one to worry what other people think.
This isn't something you probably want other people questioning about your daughter, even if she's being 100% honest and good and you know you can trust her. Not everyone knows how trustworthy your daughter is. If she can't do that, then it's your job to teach her what being respectable is, for her sake.
I'm a 15 year old girl dating a 15 year old boy who's NEVER done anything, never really had a girlfriend either. My last relationship was almost a year long & yes we did do things, we spent the night one time, we didn't do ANYTHING. If you guys barricade your children they will rebel. We are getting at that age when we want to try different things & explore what we haven't done. Sorry to tell you but your kids are going to do things even if you think he/she is a saint. If you treat them as if they are still 5 and tell them no, they will do it. But if you talk to them about things & work out a plan and treat them as if they are their age then they will understand and reason with you. I think you should let them spend the night together. Don't let them sleep together but let them be with each other. No, she probably will not think thats an every relationship thing, but your child is growing up & you have to accept that. They are going to do things so just talk to them about the dangers.
My Son 15 and his girlfriend 14 both sleep in the same bed when she stays around. He knows a slip up would cost him his career and she don't want to get pregnant as a teen. These reasons in mind both are abstaining from sex, and so sleeping in the same bed is not an issue. I have brought my son up to respect the opposite sex and lovingly tease. He will make a great husband and father one day but for now it is nice to wake them up arm in arm happy with smiles on their faces that they are together. Why deny innocent love?
I allow my daughters BF (16 years old) to sleep over. They live 40 minutes apart. She can likewise stay at his house. They are not having sex yet but I know they will eventually. And I am fine with it because: teens have sex. It is a normal part of healthy development. My child is well educated about pregnancy and STIs. She knows to always use condoms and to ask for birth control when she is ready. She knows she has a bright future and wouldnt risk screwing it up with pregnancy. She knows my rules. If you are irresponsible enough to get pregnant without being able to provide for a baby you will not bring a baby into this world. Period. I do not have a problem with teens having sex only with teen pregnancy & teen STIs. I hate this idea that virginity is sacred, pure, to be saved as a gift for your future spouse. Frankly it creeps me the hell out. Religion is downright disgusting when it comes to certain things and this is one of them. Teens should have sex when they are ready. There is a difference between having a sexual relationship with someoe you love, respect and trust and being promiscuous. And i hate when people refer to any teen girl that is sexually active as promiscuous. Again we have religion to thank for that. If it is your personal view that virginity is sacred then fine but you cant expect everyone, including your teens, to share the same view. If your teen is truly ready for sex you cant stop it snd really you shouldnt want to. As long as they are responsible, safe and respectful of eachother. Sure she may break up one day with her BF and become heartbroken but you cant protect your kids forever. It is life. Do you know any adults who dont get heartbroken occasionally? it is the nature of falling in love. We all take risks. Sometimes things work out the way we want sometimes they dont. The best we can do is equip our kids with the tools they need to be happy, responsible, well-adjusted, good, compassionate human beings.
And just because a teen is sexually active it does not mean they are bad, non- respectable, slutty etc. these remnants ftom Victorian era thru 1950s sterotypes need to disappear. If you would judge my child's character as a human being based on what she does with her BF in the privacy of a bedroom then you are not someone whose opinion has any value.
I'm Asian. My mom never finished Elementary or High school or college, but she was wiser than most of you here. A girl wants to sleep at her boyfriend's house? It's a no no. Parents who let them do that are not wise at all.
It all depends on the situation. If is a bit dicey when the situation involves teenagers, but the both kids and parents are on the same mature and trustworthy page, and it is necessary, it may be fine.
I am a teenager myself, and I would not want to stay at a boyfriend's house. Some may say they don't even want to do anything sexual, they just want to fall asleep cuddling, but that isn't really right for several reasons.
1. For some, it sets them up for failure.
2. I believe one should save that contentment for future spouse if they really want to give themselves to that person in marriage.
3. It may cause other people to sin. They find out you spend the night, and even if they don't know that you didn't do anything, they may think it is okay for them to do.
Now that last one may get the response, "Why should I be responsible for someone else's decisions?"
- valid point, but if we want to make the world a better place, we need to start leading by example.
AMDG
(I'm 15, so take my opinion with a grain of salt, if you want. I'm allowed to have an opinion.)
Cause other people to sin?
Save that contentment for a future spouse?
You need to drop the religious garbage. This is one of the most prominent examples of religion being wrong, and frankly really weird about certain topics.
What is "It sets them up for failure" supposed to mean?
Also, you need to understand that teenagers aren't as sex-crazed as you'd think. We also have brains of our own, that allow us to reason, and for the most part, find a rational answer to the question "Should I have sex?"
Even if other teenagers found out about a girl and a boy spending the night together, it means nothing. Teenagers (for the most part, I can't represent every single one) will have sex when they're ready, not because they learned some other teenagers did. There is nothing wrong with sex. (Of course, there are the risks of STIs and pregnancy, but there contingencies for those, and it all goes along with being "ready.") If teens are ready and they want to have sex, they will find a way, and it has nothing to do with if others have done so. Keeping teens from having sex is not making the world a better place. Wake up.
Since the original question is from about 2007, twelve years ago, it would be interesting to hear from the OP to see what happened.
Reading through the old, and more recent, answers, it's interesting to see the range of opinions. Somebody commented that a 15-year-old shouldn't be in a serious relationship, but that things may be different now. I was a teen in the 60s, and having boyfriends at 14 or 15 wasn't unusual at all. We were "going steady" as young as 11 or 12. All that meant was we might walk each other to class or pass notes. Mostly, we just giggled when we saw each other in the hall.
I'm FB friends with the boy I went steady with when I was 11 and he was 12. I knew people in high school who started dating at 14-15, and over 50 years later, they're still together and having great-grandchildren.
While I'm glad I didn't marry somebody from my high school and had a chance to date a lot of people, if it works for some people that's fine. I was nearly 24 when I married my husband.
When my son was dating a 14-year-old girl, he was 15. Since he couldn't legally drive yet, we drove them everywhere. They lived over an hour away, and one day he told me he wanted her to spend the night, and her folks were okay with it. I told him I wasn't, and I knew better than to believe that.
When I talked to her mom, I told her we'd drive her home after she drove her over, which I felt was better than her spending the night. Her mom told me she hadn't even mentioned that to her dad--"He'd have a heart attack!"
When he had another girlfriend a few years later, I told him they could hang out upstairs as long as they kept the doors open. He said her parents "didn't care" what they did. I told him, "Then if she gets pregnant, it's on THEIR watch!"
While I wouldn't have let somebody spend the night, I knew that if they wanted to have sex, they would, if they had access to a car.
Abstinence-only didn't work in the 60s, and it doesn't work now.
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