I have been married for one year and I have a son, not by him. I have moved into my husband's house with his son and daughter. It started three weeks after we got married. He just starts yelling at me if he does not like what I ask him. He has gotten in my face and chased me into the bathroom and raised his hand to me, but did not hit me.
Whatever the kids do, I am wrong and they are right. His son who is 21, wrote me a note and called me a dumb ass in the note. His son told his dad to divorce me. His son and my son had a fight with words and ever since then his son won't have anything to do with my son or me. I don't know what to do? I do not want to be treated like this, when he is nice he is really nice, but when he is mean I can not take it.
By Ann
Avoid further attachment to this complicated Dr. Jekyl and Dr. Hyde syndrome this man has formed. Get out quickly and don't let on you're leaving. Verbal abuse can lead into hitting on you and your son too especially if he tries to defend you. You can raise your son on your own without his help and being subjected to this type of abuse long term is damaging. He's good at what he's doing and is playing on your emotions and his son is doing the same with you and your son.
It's a copycat syndrome; both of you leave. As far as feeling sorry for that man's son, he does need help from his father's damaging behavior toward his wife. Let the law take care of that, but don't you stay in this mess. It's only going to tear you down and you won't be much use for you or your son who needs an outlet if you remain involved.
Here are the questions asked by community members. Read on to see the answers provided by the ThriftyFun community.
I'm a 27 year old, stay at home mom. I have three young girls that I love very much. I spend all day, everyday cleaning and taking care of my kids, but I also have a husband that can act like a child himself.
He has a good paying job and with it he also has control issues. My husband is not the sensitive type, he does not like it when I express my opinion, if he does not agree. If I am upset about something it usually starts a fight where I get called some pretty horrible things.
I'm not a bad person. I have tried for a very long time to make this work and keep my mouth closed, but it's so hard to not stand up for myself. Yet when I do he turns my phone off. He once even broke my finger trying to get keys out of my hand. I know I should leave, but that's just not a option right now with having nowhere to go. I don't want to be anyone's burden.
By melissa from Phoenix, AZ
I'm a 27 year old woman, my husband is 28. He and I have been married for 7 months. Right now I'm a stay at home wife and I can't work until a certain period. Before marrying my husband I had my own apartment, car, income from my family and was going to college. He graduated a semester ahead of me and I encouraged him to get a proper job since he was done with school. He did and moved to another city.
Then later I graduated, we got married, and I moved in with him to his apartment. He fully understood that once we got married I couldn't work for a while because we are sorting out my immigration paper work and he accepted that.
Now I live with him and my family has stoped supporting me financially since I'm no longer a student; now I'm a wife. I believe I'm a good wife. I cook, clean, do laundry, and make sure he's well taken of in every way I can.
However when we fight he doesn't fail every single time to tell me that I'm surviving through his mercy, that the food I eat is his, and the shelter I live in is his. So I told him that from now on I'll be buying myself my own food and I'll figure out my own share of the rent somehow. It bothers me cause I don't ask him for his money not even to buy deodorant. Instead when I need something I ask my family to help me with a little money for toiletries and they have been kind enough to give me $100 monthly for toiletries and I save from that money.
We have had a few big fights where he punched through the door because he was screaming in my face and I went to hide in the bathroom. After that fight he apologized and promised never to do it again, but I was scared and I came up with a silly resolution, to get a dog thinking that maybe it will help when there's tension and something that will kinda be in between us instead of just us. I did and even though he hated the idea he agreed with my reasoning. I did and now we have a dog and with the money I get from my family for toiletries I pay rent for my dog because she's my responsibility.
We decided to buy a couch. I used the toiletry money to pay for my share of the couch. I have bought a few pieces in the apartment with my money and he expects that I pay my share even though I'm not working. On top of that he likes to interfere with how I spend my money. He doesn't like when I buy things for the dog. I don't even know how much he makes and probably will never know, but I don't care.
After our last fight I asked him why he married me if all he wanted was a roommate cause it seems as if even though I'm not working he expects me to hold up my end of the bargain and it is putting me under so much stress. I regret being stuck in this situation cause I can't leave right now and I don't know how am I going to be able to take this for.
I love my husband and he is sweet when he can be, but when he is angry he turns the whole household toxic and it is horrifying. He has never beaten me, but seeing how violent he can be with walls and doors I worry and I feel like the situation is only getting worst.
This is an abusive relationship and is only going to get worse. He is going to start punching you instead of doors.
I know you mentioned a little background story about your situation, but how was the dating like with your husband, then boyfriend? Did you two date for awhile before settling down and getting married?
Do you know his financial situation? Are bills struggling? If he has always been like this then it does not seem like a good and healthy relationship. I would get out of it quicker.
But, since you mentioned your background story how you had your own apartment (not sure how that's being paid or how it worked out), car, income from your family - perhaps he was used to that until everything was cut off.
What ever you do DO NOT let your husband know you have written your situation on a "Answer a question" site, I believe that would anger him even farther . You are signed in as "byvines25" I am hoping that he would not recognize that BUT as you have explained in detail your situation as it is now I think he would see that it is address as him.
You need counseling so I think you should go to the proper authority and tell all to a person who is trained to help you in you situation.
I do wish you the best of luck, sounds like you are trying to make your marriage work.
It appears you are in a relationship with a person who has no respect for himself nor you his wife. You should not be in a relationship when you are mistreated daily. A man would not treat his wife that way so I believe you are married to a self control idiot. If you were my daughter I would ask you to seek counseling if that won't work become single and disengage yourself from this person.
I believe all wife beaters start this way. It will get worse. If you can get out, go and please please don't ever leave the dog alone with him.
I am in this position right now that is horrible and very sad. I am 26 years old with one two year old and am a stay home mom, as well. My husband is a nice guy, but when we disagree on a topic, it is just not a pretty picture. It is also a problem even that I have questions to ask. It can never be about anything that I have a doubt about or, "hey what time you did you leave work?", because he gets mad.
Then the insults start right away. He expects me to either answer my own questions and keep my mouth shut or as soon as he says the answer to just leave it alone there and that's it.I have literally broken in pieces and cried my lungs out so many times because I don't know how to deal with his insults. All I get from him is, "You cry because you want to; you're like this because you made this argument; you see the things you do; you can never keep your mouth shut; or you always have to be bitching about everything." This makes me feel even worse.
How would I make myself feel this way? If he could only argue without insults. If he could only tell me things without getting mad right away. This has totally confused me. I don't understand how he can say he loves me, but still talk to me like that and call me all kinds of names.
I am sure I can't stay here. I know this is not healthy and even worse for my baby that hears everything. I just don't find the guts to leave. I feel that leaving would be the only way for him to be happy and not have a bitch like he says living with him since everything is my fault. I sometimes do think is my fault, but I should know better not to feel or think this way, but is too hard.
I just wish I had learned a way to control, to block all the bad he has to say and eventually he will learn to not talk to me that way. We have recently started seeing a therapist, but it's really hard to explain our full arguments in just one hour. I feel as if he is not even working at a solution. He doesn't seem to care to try what she said. Even though he had promised to stop talking to me that way he hasn't at all and it happens every time. What should I do about this ? I know I love this guy so much, but it hurts to be here.
By Jess
I am looking for some advice. My husband is generally a good husband and father, but when we have disagreement, arguments, or if I don't agree with him, or something simply doesn't go his way, he insults me and calls me names. This happens when we are alone and in front of our son.
Every time we argue he always calls me stupid, moron, cunt, says I'm a joke, etc. Later on when he's calm I tell him it hurts when he insults me, and he agrees that it's wrong, but then he will do it all again when we argue. To him in the moment he's not doing anything wrong. Lately our son has been insulting me when things don't go his way, he will say all the same things my husband says to me.
I don't know what to do. I want him to see what he's doing and the damage it's causing. I love my husband and family and I want it to stop. How do I let him know?
A verbal abuser usually becomes a physical abuser, as well! You can try couples counseling, however, I doubt he will agree to go as he is always right so does not need counseling. I doubt he will support your single counseling; his verbal abuse controls you. If you just do as he says, there will not be any problems.
You son has a terrible father who is teaching him exactly how to treat all women!!!
If you love your son and your husband does not change, take your son and leave your extremely difficult situation!!!
Good Luck!!!
The number for the National Abuse Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. There are a number of very good articles on their website. Verbal abuse is abuse. Your husband is not just a good man with a little bad habit. He is an abuser. You have taken a huge step in asking for help. I admire your courage. You have what it takes to make a better life for you and your son. There is help available to you if you continue to reach out. Take that next step today.
Yesterday my husband and I got into an argument because my son left the lights on in his room. When I defended my son he then said that "my marriage was in danger". He always threatens me with divorce and end of the marriage. This has been going on for about 8 years now and slowly I don't care anymore.
I get a knot in my stomach when I come from a friend's house and have to go home. My son feels the same way. We feel as if we have to walk on egg shells. As I said, I don't care anymore, financially I am dependent on him. What do you think my action should be?
By Corrie V.
Whenever I hear a young woman now talk about getting into any type of relationship I urge them to make sure they have their own checking account or a fair sum of cash put away, in case they have to leave. Start at the beginning of the relationship or even before, even if it means putting a couple dollars away out of the grocery money each week. By now you would have a fair amount stashed away.
I know a young woman who, when she was about 30 was my employer, and she had an infant, one day when work was slow we got to talking about things like that. She said she had her own credit card, checking account, and a fair amount of cash hidden away with her parents. There wasn't one thing her husband, an attorney, could get his hands on other than his private checking account, credit card, and the household account. You don't have to be well to do, in order to put a little away here and there.
However, you don't have to be financially independent to leave. You can always take your son and go to a domestic abuse shelter. They help women get on their feet, with job training, finding a job, etc. Also you don't need to take a lot of personal belongings(clothing, etc. with you) because they have donated things that the clients can have.
When you are in one of these shelters your husband is supposed to be able to get hold of you. That being said, you also shouldn't call him and ask him to come and get you. It is entirely possible that once he sees you are brave enough to leave and not depending on you, that he will straighten out.
No one should have to live "as if they are walking on eggshells". Leaving isn't easy, but it can be done. Find out about shelters in your area; perhaps you have family that would help out financially. Taking your son out of this toxic environment is the best thing you could for him; and he is old enough to be a moral support for you.Start making plans to leave. You will be surprised how empowering it is to take action.
I have been married for 9 months. My husband is often leaving his job. He in the teaching profession. I am also in the teaching profession. I have been working at a university for more than 5 years, but he is not able to stick with a job for more than 6 months. He does not take my words. He often abuses me. He has a male ego and is a male chauvinist. His upbringing is not proper.
By Pavithra from Chennai, India
I need some advice. My marriage of 17 years is falling apart. I cannot afford to live on my own yet. In May of 2006 I will graduate with my BA in social work and should be able to live alone.
Dear Leconte,You made a statement at the beginning of your post which tells me you HAVE CONVINCED yourself that you can't afford to make it on your.I am a single mother of THREE and TRUST ME mine are grown now but with GOD'S HELP we made it--without the help of any abusive man.No,it hasn't been a bed of roses,but it CAN BE DONE. You seem to have your act together-- you're concentrating on the future but has it occoured to you that one bad fight could end it all for you? The first thing I would suggest if you're determined to stay in this is to get help with his drinking problem. Get down to the source of WHY he does this. Is he picking arguments because he is feeling jealous of your accomplishments or feeling shafted because he's not getting attention because you devote time to studies? Or is he just a jerk who gets a beer in his belly and has to start something? I'm certainly no Counselor , and ONLY YOU know the answer to these questions. THINK ABOUT IT and weigh out the situation. There are options if you want out while you can. Plenty of Government agencies will help you finish school and help you find housing. BUT the choice is ENTIRELY YOURS! There is no SECURITY in an abusive relationship. Don't convince yourself that there is. OPEN YOUR MIND to the situation you're living in, and just like you DETERMINED you would get through school now DETERMINE in your mind that you will take whatever steps are necessary to either heal a bad marriage or get out. As I said earlier, one bad fight could end everything for you, if Fear doesn't force you to make a decision , seems to me you'll stay for the long haul. ITS YOUR DECISION!! I'll be thinking of you and praying for you. One last but certainly MOST IMPORTANT is find a good church and pray for God's will in this situation.Matthew 5:44 says ..pray for those who persecute you." We serve a God whose love is stronger that of any Man. Good luck and God Bless You!!
1. Pray to God.
2. Tell God you love Him.
3. Ask God for help.
4. Get out.
He isn't going to change for you or anyone else. He has to want to change for himself. Only God can change him.
If you have anyone at all in your family that you can stay with until you graduate, get out now. You can give them some board money out of your savings. Waiting only prolongs the agony and shortens your lifetime. GET OUT. He could turn on you quickly and become violent immediately.
At 44 years of age I left. My daughter and I ran for our lives. We went on welfare until we got full child and spousal support. Ten years later, I am happy as a lark, free of an immature, abusive man. We had to give up everything we had but God gave it back to us tenfold. Life is so peaceful now!
Hi Leconte, I think your best bet is to leave and trust God to make a way for you. The problem with alcoholism is the fact that you never know what, and when, it is going to escalate to an outrageous situation. You have taken so much responsibility for the atmosphere in your home, but it's not your fault. When someone is abusive and uncaring you have the right to be angry. You're intelligent and you've got a great life ahead- get rid of him and start living! Everything that the ladies said to you is accurate- only God can mend your broken heart and make you new. Trust me- He did it for me!
GET OUT! Abuse doesn't stop-it only gets worse the longer it goes on. Contact a domestic violence shelter, and they will help you make an escape plan. It is the first step you can take in reclaiming your life. It really will be the first day of the rest of your life. You will feel empowered and begin to stand up for yourself. No one deserves or should tolerate abuse for even a minute, and the damage to your self -esteem and to your daughter, too, when she sees what you are allowing to happen to you can be irreparable.
There are safe houses for women and children in your situation. They are very clean and you will be with other women in your situation. They will help you out till you get on your feet. Speak to your local church minister. Please don't wait! Seek help immediatley.
I'm financially independent woman. I am married and have a daughter an year and half old. My husband is also earning but a little lesser than me. He is dependent on me for paying the rent of the house. He agreed to bring the grocery items. I do all the household work. He doesn't lift a waste paper and throw it in the dust bin.
I have been married for 25 years. Three months into our marriage my husband accused me of cheating on him, that never happened. Then he would say little things while we were out at footballs games, the mall, etc. like "Are you looking for your boyfriend?" On the night of my mother's wake I was asked if I was "doing" a co worker. He would call me crazy and stupid, several times a week. During the last three years he has mellowed out, but, I will mention I confronted him about texting another woman. Is this abuse, to be honest I really don't know, my counselor says it is.
By not for sure
This is called verbal abuse. Your therapist is right.
"Verbal abuse is the consistent demeaning of another. It may in fact take the form of angry outbursts. On the other hand it may take the form of cold, calculating, consistent put-downs. It may even take the form of disparaging humor.
The key to verbal abuse is the word demeaning. And the abuser may be a man or a woman."
My sister had an affair three years ago and her marriage has not been good since her daughter's birth 6 yrs ago due to him yelling, calling her names, and saying he wouldn't feed her. It just got worse when the affair came about. He constantly calls her names, threatens anyone that goes against him, goes into my sister's accounts and deletes things, and calls her names daily in front of kids. She has gone to counseling cause he tells her she's the crazy one because she cries from his words. She tried leaving a year ago, but he told her not to, so she didn't because he said she would never hear of the affair or be called names anymore.
Well 9 months later with a new baby it's still happening. He tells her she isn't his wife, kicked her out the bed (but still wants sex), makes fun of her, and says she is nasty. She tries to defend herself, but makes him angrier. Now if she has contact with men business wise he doesn't believe it and says it's another affair and he will make them all pay. This isn't half of what is really happening, but we tell her to get away and it goes right back to being able to support the kids.By Cc
I have been married to my husband for 25 years. We started out rocky and it only got worse. By the end of the first year, he was staying out all night, drinking, and coming home and getting a couple of hours of sleep before he had to be at his post (U.S. Navy). He threatened me many times that if I gained weight, he would divorce me. One time, he didn't like what I said and he punched me in the arm. That is the only time that he has hit me.
Three years after we were married, we went through divorce court, after he had called me from Australia and told me that he never wanted to see me again. Before the divorce was final he had begged his way back in and we were together for 5 more years, before he took an unaccompanied tour. There he got into trouble and was dismissed from the military. I wanted a divorce then, but he seemed to have learned a valuable lesson and I felt that our children needed their dad around.
Over the years he has gone through the usual cycle of calmness and then the verbal and emotional abuse, even to our grown daughters. Since our last move to San Antonio, he has gotten worse. It is almost to the verbal level it was when we first got married. My oldest daughter says that he acts like he owns everyone. My daughters are so angry with him, but they do not want their parents to split. I am at my whits end and I really just need the peace now. I'm not sure how or what to do. Is there any advice that can be offered?
By Lana R.
After 42 years of dealing with my husband's verbal abuse and bullying; should I stay? My husband was bossy and a bit of a bully before we got married. Since then he has found every reason to blame everything that goes wrong in his world on me. When we were first dating, he refused to bring me to my high school prom, (he went to both of his), then later on he let his family walk all over me.
When I wanted to get married, he said not in my church because I was Catholic, and his family wouldn't approve, although they really didn't attend church and he was not even baptized. When we finally did get married, we eloped at his convenience, and we went where he wanted to go, to a Methodist church.When our first child was born, he was disappointed and even let his obnoxious mother comment that she would have to wait on his brother to get them the boy. This she said in front of my mother. My husband would not let me raise the baby as I saw fit. If I held her down to get medicine in her, as the doctor had instructed me to do, he would yell at me, and one day he actually shoved me. Once our daughter got old enough to not need diapers or bottles, he would take her and do things that made me look like the mean one. Once his father was riding a horse through our yard, and he placed my 4 month old baby up on the horse with his father, even though I said, "No, it's dangerous" he did it anyway, and then the horse reared up and the baby was almost dropped. My husband got mad at me because I said I told him it was dangerous, and then he threw apples at me and his sister.
I could go on and on, but the bottom line is that every 6 weeks or so, my husband picks a fight about something and has done it for 42 yrs. and if I fight him back, lt gets nasty for me and the kids.
He is not like this with anyone else, he puts on a goody goody act, but can snap right back into his troll act at will. He has criticized me for biting a cold sore. He said it looked like I wanted to tell his aunt something. l was just biting it because it hurt. He fought with my daughter because she wanted to have a 16th birthday party outside on our lawn (we lived on 12 acres in the country). He has never taken me on a real honeymoon. We went fishing at his family's primitive cabin (it had no bathroom facilities, just an outhouse and old wash tub, no hot water).
The bullying started before we got married. He got angry with me the day we got married because I went to Montgomery Ward and bought a dress to get married in with money my parents gave me! We don't go on vacations. Our kids are grown and I work and he's retired. We could go on nice vacations, for birthdays or anniversaries, but we never go. If I suggest it, he sighs a sigh of disgust and we end up doing nothing. If I'll pay for dinner or bills or groceries, or use my car and gas...he lets me. I could go on and on. I just would like your thoughts. By the way I have a masters degree and am a certified school principal. I have patience, but it is wearing thin. Please tell me what you think.
By C.C.
I'm 27 and I have 3 kids with my husband, who is 25. I been with him for 13 years now, but for the last 3 years it's been on and off. We were separated for almost a year. I was moving on with my kids and we were happy. I despise of my status here.
But he decided to come back in this picture when he started to see that I was doing good. And sadly, I took him back cus deep down inside I still loved him and still do.
He never paid attention to his kids and my oldest boy (8yrs). I think he has something against his dad because there have been times when he tells me that he don't care if his dad leaves because he's used to it and that he honestly prefers his dad to leave as he is really mean to me. It breaks my heart to hear him talk like that his only 8.
The beginning of this year everything started to go down hill. He has never acted this way. He is always getting mad for everything I do. He hasn't really hit me, but he pushes me and throws me to the ground. He did smack me once on the side of my face. He calls me names that really hurt. I always find myself crying and depressed.
Just recently he started not to come home. Before it was only one day, but know it's sometimes 3 days. The worst part is that he comes home and expects me not to ask him were he has been. He says he doesn't have anyone else, but that's really hard to believe even though sometimes I know where he is. I guess what he likes doing now is going out with his friends to drink and get high. He says he loves me, but that I bitch and whine too much. Well what does he expect? For me to be okay with how his treating me?
I really don't know what to do. We agreed when we got back together that this was our last chance of trying, but I guess that really doesn't matter to him. Sometimes I think I'm really dumb for still sticking around and to keep hoping he will change, especially because I feel that it's my fault my kids are going thru this. I should be protecting them from everything. I think the reason why I'm still here is because he wasn't like this before. Ever since he started to hang around his friends that don't have kids or a wife he changed; like if he wants to be just like them "single". I tell him if that's the case then to leave me, but he doesn't. I don't know. Can someone please help me and tell me what to do? I know what the obvious thing is to do here, but it's easy to say, but really hard to do. I can't really provide for my kids if I were to be on my own. Thanks.
By Joanna N.
My sister has a history of having a difficult marriage. It is only more recently that we, her family, are finding out just how difficult. Her husband has been verbally and emotionally abusing her for years. She has 4 kids with him and lives in a different state than we do.
Their one child is a special needs child and he, in particular, is who my sister worries about the most. She is concerned that her husband will "go after him". I don't know exactly what that means, she says he is not physically abusive, but he spends all his time hollering at the kids when he gets home from work.
He has made it clear to my sister that everything (all possessions) is his. Last night my sister had to run an errand, she usually keeps the kids with her all the time, but she couldn't take them. When she got home her 2 middle boys were upset to the point of being traumatized.
She had an argument with her husband and tried to go to a friend's house which is two hours away. Her oldest son, 12, ran away from her, upset. He ended up going to his paternal grandparents home. My sister was not leaving her husband at this point but just trying to get a break from her husband and so she could rest a little (she has kidney stones right now). She was also trying to convince his family to help him with getting professional help.
This morning her husband called, informed her he froze all assets, and the kids had to be returned home, and that if she left, he would bring up her family's mental issues (my brother has an illness which he has sought help for). I can only assume he is implying that he will try to say she is unfit to parent based on her family's mental issues?
Anyway, long story short, his mother calls, saying that her oldest boy is besides himself. She asks her to come home to take care of him and calm him down. Of course, she went home, being worried about him. She (the mother in law) then goes on to lecture her that she needs to stay with her husband because they have 4 children to raise.
We are extremely upset and concerned. He does carry a gun in his car. How can we best help her or point her to help? We don't have a lot of money, while his side does. We've considered moving there to try to help her with the kids, but she is hoping to get out of the state she is in because she hates it there.
By concernedsister
My husband and I have been married for 11 years and together for 13. We both came from bad marriages and we have 7 children between us with the youngest being ours. My daughter who is 16 recently accused him of sexual abuse. CPS was contacted by her school counselor and she was put in foster care. She is now living with my sister. I let my husband stay in the home with me and my son while the investigation is going on?
I now realize that he has been verbally abusive throughout our marriage not only to me but my children as well. He has lost his job within the last year and has now been diagnosed with major depression and hallucinations. So now he can't work. My daughter is angry with me because she thinks I have taken sides. I am not happy anymore and haven't been for a long time. I am the major breadwinner and have a good job. Any advice for me about my situation? Do I stay or go?
By Rana D
