My adult sister dumped all over me telling me what she has thought of me all her life and how I wreck everything for her. All of which is not true. To make a long story short I haven't spoken to her for 3 years and have decided she is narcissistic and don't want her in my life. How do I rebuild my self esteem so I can feel good about myself?
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your sister is the one who has the problem and even though it is hard to remember that. you must. do you treat people how you would like to be treated?do you help others if you can? do you go to work every day and not depend on others to support you?
then you are a good person . is this all that makes a good person , no it's not but these are good qualities to have to name a few. i haven't spoken to my family in a long time but that was there choice not mine.
Steven, Be proud of who you are, because there is NO ONE else in the world like you. You need to project how you want to be perceived. Make eye contact with people and smile, smiles are contagious! Compliment people with sincerity, look for something good to say in every situation. You need to look at yourself and find out what qualities you like in yourself, acknowledge them, and be proud of them.
You could start by giving yourself a sympathetic pep talk.
Avoid your sister until she gets her act together, but do send holiday greeting cards and gifts to her kids so no one can accuse you of ignoring her.
Then live your life to the fullest. The painful feelings will come and go, and understand that this will happen for the rest of your life, but less so in the future.
Don't give her the power to continue to hurt you.
Accept the feelings when they come, and say, "I understand where these feelings come from, now go away and stop bothering me."
The acceptance should lower your blood pressure and the rejection will re-build your confidence.
Sometimes bad feelings are more a matter of habit, so you need to cancel them and substitute another thought which is pleasant EVERY time a bad thought happens.
We all have this emotional garbage; you are in good company. It takes 6 weeks to change a habit, so start now!
You can begin to feel good about yourself, when you can learn to forgive, I have learned this the hard way. Forgiveness is something that comes from within, and usually it is not because the person deserves to be forgiven, but, it is something we have to do within our own heart. When you can truly forgive, then your self esteem will grow, because you think more of others than yourself. That makes us a big person.
Sounds like you know the truth. Adults and older people do not always have a better grip on reality. You've realized that she is not telling the truth, that she has reasons of her own for dumping on you, and that you don't deserve her (ahem). Good for you. If I had realized all that about my emotionally abusive dad when I was a teenager, I would have had a much easier life.
Keep going, now. You are old enough to be able to decide what's true and what's false. Self-esteem-destroying things are mostly false. When you find yourself believing a negative, hurtful lie, fight it with a positive truth. For me, "I'm ugly and nobody likes me" changed to "I'm a normal young woman with clear skin and great hair and a pretty voice, and I have some really good friends." "I can't make these difficult changes" changed to "I can do it over time if I take things bit by bit." "I don't have a guy to love" turned into "I'll keep looking for the right person and I'll know him when I see him." And, "I can't live on my own" changed to "Living on my own is normal and healthy, and I'm normal and healthy, so I can do it."
This works. I promise.
This is not as uncommon as you think. I have a sister who tries to run my life, and I've talked to others who have sisters they cant stand as well.
Please remember that this is HER problem and not yours. What she has said is a reflection on her and not on YOU. You would do well to go for a few therapy sessions. They are well worth the money. It doesnt mean there is anything wrong with you.
For self help, a journal helps. Each day list things that you are thankful for and that you like about yourself.
True wholeness comes once you are able to forgive your sister and go on with your life. You need to be able to abide her presence just for small amounts of time. imho... When you stay mad at someone it doesnt hurt them. It hurts you. Eventually anger turns into depression.
Take good care of yourself. There are many of us who care.
I think you took the best first step by putting distance between you. Surround yourself with positive friends and family. When she dumps on you, realize that she is unhappy and taking it out on you.
She may be jeoulous of attention you have gotten from parents from simply being male. This can happen and it is not the child's fault. We were four girls and my parents were FUN we went to ballgames with family and dad was proud of his girls. Of course 4 sisters was WAR sometimes to this day I find the advantage in numbers as in when one sister is miserable and mean then oh well 3 other sisters.
We all go through different stages in life and sometimes just clash. We forgive and go on and we try to be decent to each other. Good luck and stay strong.
Write down as many of your strong points as you can think of (get help from some close friends or family members); write at the bottom of the page in large letters - SELF-CONFIDENCE...when someone comes "down on you", just get that list out and read it and it will make you feel better about yourself and you know what - sometimes people really don't actually know a person well enough personally when they endeavor to tear down their self-esteem. Keep your chin up - you are valuable in God's eyes because He made you and you are Loved by God.
One more thing ... allow NO unhealthy self talk. IF you hear yourself saying or thinking ONE single bad thing about yourself mentally scream STOP IT. DO NOT allow ANY words to come out of your mouth that are not uplifting and helpful and beneficial to you. (Don't say I am ugly, I am not smart, I am over weight, I am dumb, I am not friendly, I am not acceptable! DO NOT allow it). Mitzi
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