I am in this position right now that is horrible and very sad. I am 26 years old with one two year old and am a stay home mom, as well. My husband is a nice guy, but when we disagree on a topic, it is just not a pretty picture. It is also a problem even that I have questions to ask. It can never be about anything that I have a doubt about or, "hey what time you did you leave work?", because he gets mad.
I have literally broken in pieces and cried my lungs out so many times because I don't know how to deal with his insults. All I get from him is, "You cry because you want to; you're like this because you made this argument; you see the things you do; you can never keep your mouth shut; or you always have to be bitching about everything." This makes me feel even worse.
How would I make myself feel this way? If he could only argue without insults. If he could only tell me things without getting mad right away. This has totally confused me. I don't understand how he can say he loves me, but still talk to me like that and call me all kinds of names.
I am sure I can't stay here. I know this is not healthy and even worse for my baby that hears everything. I just don't find the guts to leave. I feel that leaving would be the only way for him to be happy and not have a bitch like he says living with him since everything is my fault. I sometimes do think is my fault, but I should know better not to feel or think this way, but is too hard.
I just wish I had learned a way to control, to block all the bad he has to say and eventually he will learn to not talk to me that way. We have recently started seeing a therapist, but it's really hard to explain our full arguments in just one hour. I feel as if he is not even working at a solution. He doesn't seem to care to try what she said. Even though he had promised to stop talking to me that way he hasn't at all and it happens every time. What should I do about this ? I know I love this guy so much, but it hurts to be here.
By Jess
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Jess, continue to go to therapy and see if he starts to change. Give it a time limit, I'd say 3 to 6 months. Abusers blame their victims, you made me mad, you have a problem, You didn't or did do something that I didn't like, etc. They also send mixed messages, which makes you crazy. Nice one minute, rotten the next, I love you but then I treat you very badly.
The problem with abuse is you start to question yourself and it tears down your self esteem, because people with good self esteem don't stick around for too long...for this type of treatment. Love is great and all that good stuff, but only with the right person who treats you well and respects you. You can find love with someone else eventually who wants to make you happy and treats you right. There are lots and lots of people to love, not just this one guy.
Anyway, give it a few months and see if he wants to and tries to change, but my guess is that he will not. Abusers tend to be people with low esteem themselves, self-centered, narrow minded and rigid. And when you see that he will not, you have no choice but to leave unless you want to continue with the miserable life you have and your child / children will also have that same miserable life (because whatever he does to you, he also inflicts on them, more or less).
Verbal abuse often escalates into physical abuse and about half of wife abusers also abuse the children eventually. You are also taking a chance with your life and your child/children's, as it escalates, it can get into the severity of him possibly killing you or them and all of you. Think long and hard about what you want out of life for yourself and your child.
Life is too short and difficult enough, to continue to live with someone who makes you miserable. You deserve better than him and the life he is giving you. Trust me, if you continue to stay, one day you will look at him across the kitchen table and realize you hate him and wonder why you ever thought you loved him.
I have never known a physically abusive husband than didn't start as verbally abusive. Make plans now to protect you and your child.
HI Jess, Sorry that you are going through this. Sounds like you need to become stronger, and do for yourself.
Join a exercise group, like Jazzercise. If you volunteer for babysitting, you can join for basically free, and have care for your child as well (plus its really fun). Take an evening class so that you are not around your DH. When you get home, take care of your child, bath, and then night time.
Marriage is not easy, after awhile you get comfortable with your mate, but you still have to say "I love you", and compliment each other. Don't set up your conversations with a question try something else, and your husband may have a nicer reaction.
Keep on seeking help with your therapist. If it still is not working, you may have to make other choices.
My heart goes out to you, Jess.
sc3127 and Thriftyvicki are right. They gave you good advice. I'll bet he didn't treat you like this at first. I'll bet he got nastier and nastier as time went by, got you used to it little by little. He'll keep on doing that. He'll try to beat you down until he controls you completely.
He says it is your fault that he loses control. Ask yourself - does he lose control like that anywhere else? If his boss is hard on him, does he scream at the boss, insult and degrade him? No way. And I'll bet he controls himself with his friends and family too. He isn't losing control - he is doing this on purpose. It's a big part of putting you under his thumb until controls everything you say and do, and until he gets you to the point that "losing control" means beating you.
Keep going to the counselor, even if he stops. Ask for help in building yourself. Ask for help in getting him out of your life. Consult a lawyer on your rights, and your best way of protecting your interests and your child.
You are going to have to be strong and smart, and you have to prepare yourself. If he hasn't cut you off from your support system yet, find allies who will help you build yourself up, and will help you plan your escape.
I know many young women in your situation. I know how hard it is to get any help at all. I know how these men manipulate. It is hard to get away, and, unfortunately, the system is more likely to hurt you than help. So get in touch with a woman's advocate, even if it is just on line. They should be able to give you some guidance.
You don't cause him to act like that. Even if you were being rude to him, and I can tell you aren't, he shouldn't react that way. He does it because he is trying to control you. He wants to beat you down and keep you from every being able to leave. You can't let him do that. When people say you should just be nicer to them, don't let them get away with it. Tell them that his behavior is wrong, no matter what. He does not have the right to treat you that way!
You are a stay-at-home Mom, and that is wonderful. I commend you. But one of the ways men control their women is financial abuse. They do whatever they can to insure that she never has the money to leave. If she has a job, they take her money. If she doesn't, they try to keep her jobless. The won't "allow" her to work. They get her fired.
You are going to have to get a job. Even if you file for divorce and get a good judge who orders him to move and pay support, it won't be enough to pay all your expenses. You may be lucky enough to have a place to go where they will allow you time to get a job. Plan for getting a job and saving your money. It is the key to freedom.
You are stronger and smarter than you know. I'll bet there are a lot of people on Thriftyfun praying for you and your child. I know that I am. You don't deserve this, it isn't right. God bless you and help you.
Jess, my daughter's ex did the same to her. Yelled, screamed and controlled her. Insulted her, told her no one else would have her, she's ugly and stupid. She is very strong willed, a kind, sweet smart person. But they had a baby and she had no way to support it. She didn't want to tell us about it and come crawling.
When she finally did she was a broken woman, I never in my life I thought I would see her spirit broken, but it was. And he did it. He was at work, I talked her into letting us come get them. We got friends, trucks, boxes, etc and we all went and grabbed them and their stuff out and she never looked back. He had her convinced that social services would say she's a bad mom and they would take the baby from her. Well that's not quite how it worked.
You don't have to live the way you are. Don't let him do this to you. You deserve better and so does the baby! Show him you have a back bone. Do what you need to and don't look back! Find someone to help you. God loves you and that baby :) <3
Please get away. It wont get any better, I spent 22 years with just such a creature because I was brought up in a strict Christian family where marriage is for life. I never had a penny of my own. He lost every job for me that I got. He used to turn up at work accusing me of screwing around, dragged me to to a psychiatrist because I wasn't normal. It was unending.
Finally we got a new young lady doctor at my practice who recognized what was going on. I thank her to this day. I left him with my children and a couple of bags of clothes. Life hasn't been easy but it's been good. My family still shun me and my children, but they're all the family I need and your children's respect means more than anything.
May you find the peace and gumption to move away. Your youth is a plus. Put a little money aside in a bank account of your own. You can baby-sit or do something like dog walking to get a bit of money in that account. Your county may have a women's shelter for you. Research that at the library so you know what resources are available to you.
Counseling, if taken seriously, is a help but everyone deserves a safe haven as a home. Any man who does not respect the woman who brought his child into the world and who does not treat that woman with dignity is unworthy. That said, "get your ducks in order" before making any moves.
Our prayers are with you for we all want your happiness.
Having survived a very bad marriage, I can tell you from experience it won't get any better. The verbal abuse will only get worse then eventually the physical abuse will start.
Go to www.penelopehouse.org, check them out. I survived because of them. They offer counseling and so many other services, or call a domestic abuse hot line, there is help out there-for you and your baby. Get out now, before you are physically attacked. You do not deserve this and neither does your child.
Oh Jess, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been there and can tell you it gets better. Mine did escalate in to physical abuse and that's when I chose to leave. My children were 18 months and going on 5 years old when I left.
I went to my parents. I was there for 6 months when I finally found an apartment of my own. From that point on life was great. I stayed a single Mom for 10 years before I remarried. My children are now 25 and 28 and will tell you that we had some great times during those years. I can't imagine what would have happened if I stayed.
Continue to go to counseling even if he doesn't want to. Ask for the counselors help on leaving him. Get phone numbers and all the information you can from her to lead you to a life of happiness. Please don't stay for the child. That never works. Good luck to you!
These folks all have wonderful ideas. Please hear them well!!!
Get out, find safety. It will only get worse. Secretly, inside, I suspect you know that, or the question would not have been raised. Trust yourself on that! Your intuition is right.
Once a person gets comfortable with being verbally abusive it will usually go up a step to physical abuse. No one can make the decision to stay or go but you. But I will say, life is too short. I know a lot of people that tried to hang in there, usually "for the kids", then they realized not only did they waste their lives with the wrong person, but all the arguments took a toll on the kids, too. I walked in your shoes once. :-(
To a4a42316 well said! Short and sweet!
Jess,
I was just sitting here trying to figure out why I am still in my marriage. We are married 40 years. I am still going through this crap. Mine never turned physical but the verbal & mental abuse keeps going. That is as bad if not worse than being hit. I tried many years ago to get out. I called an abuse center & was told they didn't help unless you were being physically abused. So I was stuck. Like somebody else said if I would say I was leaving he told me he would see that I wouldn't have my kids. So I stayed.
It just gets worse. You are young get out & get a new life for you & your daughter. I guess what makes it worse for me is I went through this as a child too. My dad was an alcoholic & mentally, verbally abusive to us kids but also physically to our mom. I could go on & on.
I love to get together with friends/family but he even makes that hard most of the time. I always seem to say or do something that he can criticize or make me look stupid.
I am going to be praying for you to have the strength to make the right decision. I really wish I would have made that decision years ago. But I think the reason I didn't was because of all the times my dad & husband would tell me I wasn't ever going to be worth anything. I guess I believe that & don't have enough confidence in myself. take care & God Bless you!
Please google "living with a narcissist." I dated one for 15 years ...never married him or lived with him because I could see something wasn't right. They put you on a pedestal and then pull the rug from under you with their verbal abuse. You probably feel like you've been chewed up and spat out. Sounds like you married one....unfortunately. You are not alone. Look up "how to recognize a narcissist" and see if he fits the bill.
My advice to you is for you both to get professional help from a good counselor. If he won't go, then you go by yourself. If you can't afford one, seek counsel from your pastor. If you are not in church, find one and get involved. Church families can be very supportive.
I can tell you from experience that this will drastically affect your child. Other than that, you are not happy and you deserve to be. God wants you to be. It is easier to procrastinate and make excuses for the situation and become complacent with it, but years down the road you will have many regrets.
I am praying for you!
Sherry
Try not to get pregnant again. It's bad enough for what you are going through, however, think of the bad effects for your precious little child.
You should make plans to leave. Start up a secret emergency bank account in your name only. have a escape route planned and supplies your child will need ready. Keep copies of your important documents some place easy for you to get to. It will escalate if you don't get out. Get counseling. Get in touch with a local woman's shelter or center for more advice.
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I can see from the posts that many including me have been there. Your husband is a small man. He cuts you down to make himself feel better. Love is what you do....not how you feel.
It is very unlikely you can change him. I tried for 30 years, wasting my time and confusing my children. Look for a way out, and let your child know what real love is. It will be difficult, but the rewards are enormous.
I can tell from your post that you are a strong, loving and thoughtful person who makes intelligent and loving decisions. You deserve a life with someone who is able to love you and your child.
I haven't read every single post on here, so I may duplicate some answers. I lived with an abusive husband many many years ago before there was much information about it. People were just beginning to realize the abuse problem among some men.
When I began to feel that he was right, it WAS my fault, something happened. As much as I thought I loved him, I began to realize that this was NOT love. Everything was NOT my fault. Nobody else had ever treated me that way, so how, all of a sudden, did I get so bad? It just didn't make sense. I finally gathered the courage to leave one day while he was at work. I called my parents while he was in the shower and after he left I mentally packed everything (I knew he'd be home for lunch). He did come home and in a good mood, causing me even more guilt. You know what I did? I prayed that God would make him start another argument before he went back to work. And guess what - He did and he did! I am so very, very glad I left. My son didn't have to grow up thinking that was normal.
Part of what abusers do is gain control - they will control how often you see your family, who your friends are, if you work or not - mine to the point that he started demanding to see the grocery receipts. He loaned my car to his friend. I got it back a day or two before I left. The main thing an abuser does is to make it seem like it's your fault - they want you to believe that they're perfect and if there's a problem - you're the cause. Nothing could be further from the truth.
He will eventually start bumping into you, throwing something at you, slapping you, hitting you - it is a developing process. It will start small and escalate. Then he'll start in on your child. And it continues.
If you are going to a counselor and he doesn't even seem to be trying, I'd say he's really not interested. And I think it would be best if you just leave. Be careful, though, because many times if they think you're leaving, the violence will escalate.
Good luck and I pray for strength for you.
My first husband was exactly like that. You will notice I said first. He treated his second wife the same way. Honey get out. Things will not change. I had two small children at 23 and walked out. I had some good friends who helped me. Everybody could see what i was going through. Oprah said it best "when someone shows you who they are, believe them" He has shown you who he is. Don't put up with this. Life is too short. The day my divorce was final was the happiest day of my life. I remarried a wonderful man and had another child.
Life is too short to live with this hateful person. Take your child and go. This man is harming your child every time he verbally abuses you. None of this is your fault. Find the strength to do this for your child and for your self. Leave. ASAP.
If you decide to leave, first plan it out. When he is gone to work or a weekend fishing whatever. Don't threaten leaving, just be low key and plan it out. Only you know what you need. You have a lot to think about. Verbal abuse is horrible and no one deserves it.
Call a women's shelter for advice on planning to leave. Do not ever believe that you are responsible. Sometimes, many times abusers just want or need total control and cannot see how much they hurt you. They do not have the tools to love others. When I was married that was the hardest part, the good times and he would say. "I love you", it got to the
point hearing that really made me ill. I left and am grateful I did.
It is not an easy decision, I had no kids with him. Everyone thought he was so "nice" etc. Anyway I left him, going on 5 years and I am so happy now with life. I have peace of mind. I will say a prayer for you and hope things work out with you and your child.
Annie
Oh and the main thing is someone who truly and honestly loves you will not hurt you. Take time to heal and concentrate on you and your child. Jumping into a relationship quickly may not be wise. A person who loves you will understand and help you feel better about yourself and not be selfish.
I was married for 20 years before I finally got out when and not until I finally opened my eyes to see what it was doing to my children. My children and I were never abused physically but the mental damage was just as bad.
I kept quiet for about 15 of those years. When I finally got tired of being put down and being controlled I was told "If you would just keep your d..... mouth shut we wouldn't have these fights." Get out. I stayed until my kids were in their teens and to this day the quilt of how it effects them eats away at me. No child deserves that; I was their mother who was supposed to protect them and I didn't because I was too weak to leave.
My kids are grown and I can still see the damage done to them. They are both good kids "young adults", never been in any trouble and hard working. Both have low self esteem, my daughter stays on anti-depressants and my son has a drinking problem. Please listen to all the women giving you advise because you don't want to have to live with the guilt. Protect your child; you are his mother.
Seriously consider calling a abused women hot line (Of course when he is not around). They can really help. This is one small step that could change you and your child's life. Phone numbers are in the book, look them up on line or call information. Best wishes.
I feel your pain I'm in the same boat. but I'm 41 he is 28. I work to hold down everything.
he does nothing no job claims he can't find one. but keeps my 5 year old daughter. He calls me names, had choked me unconscious several times. The physical has pretty much stopped, but the verbally abuse is harsh. I just don't see why I stay. I'm very attractive, hardworking, yet I keep allowing this. It's so hard to leave. I say it's because I love him. I had so much going for me before. now I've lost so much. I don't know why I stay. Some people say they stay for money. sex. etc. It's different, not any of that. So I do feel your pain every moment. I only can pray that God one day will give me the strength to get out. I will pray for both of us.
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