How can a stay at home mom of 3 kids leave an abusive husband that won't give her any money? I have been married for 15 years and have been a stay home mom since our first of 3 kids was born. It has always been hard because I had no help.
He is so controlling I could never get a break since he thought if I had kids with me every second I wouldn't be able to cheat, which is crazy because I have never given reason to think I would. I have been out away from my kids maybe 3 times in 15 years so not much chance I was cheating!
He was not cruel at least then, as far as saying it's his money, but 2 years ago my parents died. They were my only family so he knew I had nowhere to go and the abuse really started. He gives me not even enough money to buy food. I can't even buy the kids clothes they need so badly because anytime I ask him, he screams he is broke. I am sure he is, since he pays every bill the minute he gets it. By time he pays bills there is only a couple hundred left out of his check which is $1500 a week. I suggest that maybe make a bill could wait and I could buy food or clothes. I usually get choked, but always called a mooch, leach, or sponge and told to go find someone else to support my pathetic a**. He says this in front of our kids.
So pretty much I am dead inside; I am hardly able to function. I try staying strong for the kids, but it's so hard. I know we all have to go through this every day and have no hope it will be better because everything in his name, including the car. If I try having him lease, which he wouldn't do, I would not have a car or a dime because he makes clear he won't give any money until I figure a way to get a lawyer with no money to pay retainer and get him in court.
My kids are terrified I will try divorcing him, even though they can't deal with this hell, because he has pounded in their heads if he ever leaves they will be living in a gutter with their mom because she's too pathetic to support them. Sadly I couldn't support them.
I am desperate to know how can I make him have to pay support from the day he is made to leave; if I am able to get him out? I read a lot where people say go to a friend's or family and I have none of either so it's not an option and the shelters are nowhere near here so I would have to move kids away and take the dog and two cats to a shelter. I have hard time thinking that after the hell they have lived that they should suffer even more rather than the law make him support them?
By Jodi from Arnold, MO
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Jodi, my heart goes out to you. I'm no expert at this, but he needs to be reported for domestic abuse. You're in a tough situation and I will be thinking of a better way to answer this is the meantime.
Number one, get a job, even if it is flipping burgers or cleaning motel rooms. You have to start someplace. Number two, take the kids and move into a domestic abuse shelter. It doesn't matter if the the kids like it or not and you can leave the animals with your husband.
Most shelters will have clothes you can pick from for yourself and the kids. If your kids are old enough to say in court where they prefer to live, leave them with your husband and see how they like it. There must be some food in the house, because I'm sure your husband likes to eat. It might not be what you want but it is still food. If you can afford to buy pet food and cat litter, you can afford to buy food.
Also most Salvation Army Thrift Stores give out vouchers for free clothes and even furniture when the time comes that you need that. I have heard that a person can pick out three sets of clothes per person with each voucher. The trick there would be to pick out things that you can mix and match, making it look like you have more clothes. Of course wearing jeans and t-shirts there isn't much mixing and matching.
If your husband makes $1500 weekly, you guys must have some whopping big bills, but my thought is, he is putting some of the money where you can't get to it.
Number one, get a job, and move into a domestic abuse shelter, it doesn't matter what the kids prefer - all in all they will be better off in the shelter than where they are now, at least they will be fed, and usually the shelters have clothes that you and your kids can pick from and some of the clothes are really nice.
From what I have heard the kids get to pick out some toys too. You shouldn't be letting your kids tell you what to do, it is bad enough that your husband uses you for a door mat. You have to grow a back bone and stand up for your rights.
No one can tell you what you should do, because no one knows your situation better than you. There is an organization in your area called Safe Connections that should be able to help you navigate all the obstacles you face right now. www.safeconnections.org/
I have read the posts, and agree with them all. I am not sure you can get a job, so that is only for you to decide.
Do report him. If you don't, probably no one else will. You say you try and be strong for your kids, but you have to be strong because of your kids.
I was in an abusing marriage, and after 7 years, I left him and took my daughter with me. The family on both sides helped, but so did social services. I had enough support that he knew I didn't have to even report him to the police, as if he made any trouble they would be there between him and us. Your situation is not the same.
If you don't document every single time, there will be no pattern of abuse, and nothing to prove why you have to leave.
The shelters have independent people who take you in that would be closer to you. I know as I was a "safe house" after I lived in one. They are usually single women who will come and get you and your kids any time you need them. I called the city of Arnold, and they confirmed that the closest shelter is in St. Louis, but I took the liberty of looking up and calling some shelters. Here is the link with the locations and contact numbers.
www.dexknows.com/
I worked in a shelter in Coos Bay, OR in the late 70's when they were pretty much new. We tried to get a woman out of her relationship but she kept going back. He finally killed her. Please, for your sake and the sake of your kids, GET OUT!
I guarantee no one will let you or your kids live in a gutter or starve. He can't kill your spirit unless you let him. There are way more people to help in this world than there are to hurt.
Please find them. Sandi/PBP
There are attorneys who who donate their time in cases like this, although you may have to wait until one if free, to handle a divorce. You can still talk to them regarding your rights. My father told my mother many of the same things.
Once she was finally able to break away and talked to an attorney, he told her that because of the number of years they were married, she had rights to part of everything he had - even a future inheritance he would get when his mother died would be part hers.
My father hanged his tune when he consulted with his attorney and was told the same thing. He didn't mind losing his wife, but having to give her half of everything was another matter.
You can also usually get him to cover some type of education so you can support yourself and the children, and a temporary alimony. He will have to support the kids too, until they turn 18. When you get out, take a financial course; start reading up on it now on the internet. It will help you greatly, in the long run; letting bills go unpaid and leasing an auto are not great financial decisions.
Also, we've lived for years on less than your husband brings home weekly as our total monthly income. You should be able to get by. Unless you have outstanding bills, he is doing something else with the money.
I was a stay at home mom too with one kid (age 1 at the time) and one on the way. I left my husband with nothing but the clothes on our backs and a diaper bag. I had no where to go and not a dime to my name. But I found out that there are organizations and agencies out there that will help you. Since you obviously have access to a computer, go online and research it. You'll be amazed at the options you never knew you had.
The main thing is, though, to leave! His abuse is obviously escalating. Soon he'll be outright beating you, and then come the kids. Don't think he won't beat them too. He will.
Call 211, it is a national hotline. They can put you in touch with nearest agency that deals with abuse and shelters.. Will help you find someone to at least talk to for now. You do not need to stay in this situation. It is not your fault.
Get out now! I am a retired psychologist with 35 years of experience. It always escalates. Pay attention to the person who said that the woman who kept going back got killed. It happens.
Go to church for help. There are those who can help you out there to help support you.
Please, go to a shelter, you don't need to be treated like that. Also, don't use the children as an excuse, you knew your husband was abusive since you had the first child with him, did you think he was going to change and get better by giving him more children? Well, he did he changed and got better; in the ways he abuses you, now you he has more victims to practice with, you and your children. And, you know what, if you stay, your children will treat you exactly the same way he does when they grow up, because their dear father is telling them what a worthless piece of garbage you are every single day of their lives.
A shelter for you and the kids. Get out before you are hurt. After you being hurt, then the kids and the animals. Seems everyone has a solution for you and the children but i hear your fear for the animals. Contact groups and ask if possible that you can put the animals in their care for protection because you are afraid they will be abused when you leave.
Start even with the humane society, a friend, SPCA. Ask for protection so your animals don't end up in a kill shelter. If i were close, I would take them. There are lots just like me that would foster. Get to a group that actually helps.
My favorite (I heard one time) would be to get hubby drunk/passed out. Hand sew him up in the blanket so he can't hurt you, beat the crap out of him with an iron fry pan. Of course, that would make you an abuser so you would not do that. Sure is fun to think of it.
Jodi, your story sounds quite a bit like me writing 20 years ago. I left home with a 14 year old Daughter and a 16 year old son and a dog to a one bedroom apartment, working part time at $8.00 a hour. Thinking back my leaving wasn't the smartest thing to do, but it was easier than getting him out since I talked him into leaving prior.
Once I let him back in thinking he'd change, he vowed he'd never leave again. Of course, he never changed. I was told "I won't give you a dime unless or until a judge tells me I have to". Finally after getting a divorce the judge told him he had to.
I had very little when I left other than money from the part-time-job". I had no family or friends to take me in either. I've never been happier and "No" it didn't take me 20 years to find that happiness. I've never remarried, never wanted to and I've taken pretty darned good care of myself financially although he told me I never could.
I used to think I was weak because he told me so and I cried most days. I get angry when I hear people say "why don't you just leave". It's not easy when you're beaten down, lost all your self confidence, and are told you're lazy and can't take care of yourself. Divorce is not for the weak, it makes most of us strong. If you're like me and a lot of others in your situation you won't have the courage to leave until you gain some self confidence.
For me that was my interactions with people at my part time job where I was treated with respect. My only regret is that I stayed way to long and the impact on my kids. I hope you find a way and my prayers are with you.
Jodi, I just posted but I want to comment on what someone else said. It is NOT always that kids will treat you just like he does. My kids are now adults and they have never been abusive, verbally or physically. Both my kids are very close to me. They never miss my birthday, or Mother's day, call frequently, and come most holidays. So don't let anyone tell you they'll turn out like him.
Jodi, I hope you will listen to all the posts, it will never get better he is a controlling SOB! I left with my two kids and only the clothes on my back, everything else can be replaced but not your life. Run don't walk to your nearest shelter and God Bless you and your kids.
Whatever you do, don't tell him when you have decided to go.I dont know your relationship but many, many times that provokes even more violence towards you & possibly something worse that you could ever expect?
I did what you are doing with a man I started a relationship with at 13, it took me till I was 32 to get out. The fear & helplessness of not knowing how you will take care of your kids & yourself-the unknown about how your life will be & what to do next are very real.
We lost our family dog, 2 cats, & our Molucan Cockatoo to foster homes & a no kill shelter, we had never given up a pet before that time. My children were in middle school, high school, & a 2 year old. It is hard to change, but when we stay we are teaching them what is acceptable in their futures. I am 6 yrs away from him now, not doing perfectly but am in a stable place.
I had a job for 2 years after never being employed & after being laid off in 07 I decided to enroll in school. I am on my way to becoming a counselor. No, its not easy, but I am emotionally much happier & hopeful about my future.
My oldest two are still bitter towards their dad & at times have made comments to me about being a doormat : They are affected & all you can do is be the best example you can be of doing the right thing no matter how long it took, never giving up on them or yourself, and that there is hope even when you cant see the end of things.
The shelters that take you in will help support you, provide you with legal help when there's abuse involved, get you into transitional housing & job training (I also had displaced homemaker/life transition classes). There is life beyond where you are now.
Yes, losing your pets is very sad, but they can be fostered out & you could get them back if that's what you decide. Mine wound up on a farm & I couldn't bring myself to take them back & cage them in an apt. We all agreed they were happier there & said goodbye for good the following year.
I wish you the best as you make these hard decisions. No friends or family helped me through this, they were all strangers; new friends made in the process of getting away & in my life since being away from him. Remember just because he says things to you doesn't make that who you are, his words don't make the universe run at his command. We as the abused spouse tend to make them believe the universe does revolve around them because we let him control us.
My ex even tried to get back with me 3 years later, trying to say sorry & I knew how much I needed him. I stayed away. I look at it as how many years of my life did I already give you? We are stronger than we think possible, & when you make one step forward at a time, before you realize it you accomplish much & you ARE in a happier place. God Bless You, don't give up - don't give in!
Yes you can, yes you can! First thing is file for child support and divorce. You will start getting money right away I know you have at least one friend that would let you stay there a few weeks so you can look into the information I am about to for you. You take those babies to a women's battered program call around check your local churches ask for numbers for places who will take in you and your children!
My sister is living in a huge beautiful e home it's a little community for battered women they have a nice play grand and underground pool they have places like this everywhere. Don't think you would have to be in some random homeless shelter. And right now you can start off by going to file for public houses they will give you a vaulter for 800$ or more to rent a house for free. Then you get your kids in a head start program, so you can get a job.
Also the place my sister was staying at is getting her a car helped he get on school. There are places and I really hope you get out don't listen to his bullshit and your kids honey will be proud of you they don't want to hear that stuff and I bet a million dollars it kills them when he says those things to them about you. You can also apply for food stamps and get food. So you can do all of this with no money! There is a way sweet heart you can do it. I would leave so fast his head would spin.
File for a divorce! Please do the right thing and leave what a horrible life for your children or child and yourself. There is so much more to life than that I wouldn't even wish this on my enemy. Insure hope you makes some moves. Also in you can call the 211 hotline and tell them what you need they will give you phone numbers to places who can help you. God bless you sweetheart, insure hope you slap that man with some child support and divorce papers. He will pay you regardless or he will go to jail!
winthis19
First of all, you must leave him. I have a feeling that because your husband has a good job you feel that you are doinng your kids a favor by staying there...you are wrong. I was just like you. I am now the mother of a 23 and 18 year old and they feel guilty for not helping me when their dad abuses me verbally in front of them..and I've heard my son verbally abuse people. He doesn't mean to, he learned what he lived. Please listen to the woman who has a sister in a shelter, she is giving you a gift, please take it and leave....I realize you will need a plan, so in the meantime....Do you have a church near you? you need to get other people involved in your life. the abuser wants it to just be you and him, no one else in your life...he will complain and argue and act like a big old baby, but get involved with a church and start turning on the evangalist channels on the tv nearest to you or turn on a religious talk radio show or turn on a religious web site with audio conntaining a preacher or pastor perhaps reading scriptures or giving a sermon...I have found that God gives me strength that no one else, not the best of friends can give me. I wasn't raised in a religious family, but I did go to a church in 4th and 5th grade, so I'm not completely ignorant, but certainly not educated in religion. I do believe in God but I've never been a particularly religious person, but I kid you not, it is harder for my husband to approach me to abuse me in the first place if he hears the word of God as he walks near me. And have people from the church over to your house, or have them pick you up fromm your house. He will not be happy, but you must not be alone, you must have people in your life that care about you other than your kidds. The ladies at the church, or even a catholic nun would know how to help you...let them help you honey, you can't do it alone, you've tried, and put up one hell of a fight, but let God help, he will, and so will the ladies and men of the congregation.
Church: It's my best defense as anything else I do is thrown back as me out cheating...I dont get accused at church or with the "church people". I am no saint yet...I swear like a truck driver still, I smoke like a chimney, I'm scared all the time, I'm still trapped, but I am not alone and I'm stronger. I feel that I can cope and function better than before. I was not raiased in a religious home, so this is new to me, but as the psalm 147:3 states: God heals the broken hearted and bandages their wounds. I believed the words and felt such peace in my heart from the moment I read that, that God was my last chance, my only hope.....Good luck to you my friend. I'll hold you close in my heart and you will be in my thoughts and prayers; and I'll send you positive energy and I hope you go to church to meet a friend, if nothing else. You deserve a friend. You need to leave honey, he is only going to get worse, I'm in the same boat, and it sucks..but we have to save ourselves. We have to, so our children don't give up the way we want to....plus we deserve happiness, which we'll have when we finally leave. He doesn't deserve the satisfaction of thinking that without him in your life you chose to not go on living..the sick sob does nnot deserve that kind of satisfaction!!
Often times abusive men chose just the woman to abuse and are fine with the kids. If that's the case. leave the kids with a neighbor and get the hell out. He'll have to get them and look after them as we won't want to be reported for being an unfit parent. Let him figure out about day care, clothing, school supplies. There is so much ahead of you, going to the police and filing charges,securing a place to stay, money, filing for custody. You won't be encumbered with the children. and it will be easier to get everything aligned and perhaps even secure a job. He may try to fight you on custody but after they miss work with a sick kid or run out of babysitters they are more than ready to hand them over.
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My husband has a habit when he has gotten upset or fought with me, he leaves home and goes gambling. He hurts me too many times and now he has start beating me. Today he lost his temper and wanted to go out. I know he will go gamble that's why I tried to stop him. He beat me a lot. I have a baby that is only 16 months old.
By nura21may
Yes, share it with somebody, and try make the best decision for your child. If a man is beating you you need to get away from him. From a concerned nurse.
Leave him my dear before he kills you. these kind of people never change.
