I am 32 years old. In my 7 years of marriage I have been experiencing physical and emotional abuse to a large extent. Now my 5 year old girl child is witnessing all of this. I can't discuss this with my family or walk out of this mess. I was working as a HR Manager before marriage.
There has been a history of mental disorder in my husband's family for 2 to 3 generations, but he becomes very violent when I tell him to consult a doctor. He never apologizes after hurting me and acts as if nothing happened. Please can someone help?
I don't know what to do when my daughter asks me why daddy beats me. Now he has started saying that I need psychological help for saying that he is violent. I have tried my best by talking to him when he is in a good mood saying that "we both will go to a doc and see if something is wrong lets take treatment" but he doesn't listen and forces me to do things that I hate to do. I have not included my photo for fear of husband seeing it. If he knows I am seeking help and the only outlet for me is the net, that will also be disconnected. Please help.
By Abi
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I suggest that you either:
1. Tell your husband to stop abusing you; remind him also that when he does it to you, he also is abusing your child(ren). Refuse to listen to him, or speak if he is raising his voice, or yelling. Quietly and calmly tell him to either lower his voice, or leave until he can speak in a "civilized manner".
I also suggest marriage counseling for the both of you. If he drinks or abuses drugs, I would suggest therapy for that as well. Both of you should talk about why he abuses you. Try to agree on a compromise; if it's something you disagree on...
2. If the above fails, I suggest that you leave with your child(ren). Go to your parent's home or a friend of yours that you trust. Also, There are shelters specifically for abused wives/partners. Do NOT return to him unless and until he has sought out and pursued help in the areas needed and has behaved accordingly.
3. Pray for him.
I sincerely wish you the best in this situation.
1-800-799-SAFE (7233) is the number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline. The can help you make a safety plan, and help you find services in your area. You should call them and/or check out their website: www.thehotline.org/
There are services to help women in your situation. You CAN walk out of this mess.
This will not end well for you. You will have to make a choice between your husband and your daughter. If the wrong people find out about this they will remove her from the home. First, document your wounds. Go to a doctor or emergency room and tell them what has happened and they will do the rest. It won't be easy and I can imagine that since you have stayed 7 years you really don't want to leave.
"But" if you find the courage to do so great; if not remember that your daughter will end up thinking this behavior is normal. You and your husband my both live to bury her if she marries into the same mess.
My first husband also beat me and abused me emotionally. He started before the birth of our first child and it never stopped, just got progressively worse. At the time I was 20 years old, had one baby and another on the way. No job experience and closest family was 1500 miles away. I also had not a dime to my name, because whatever money we would get he'd either drink it away or stick it in his arm.
My turning point was when I came home from working a night shift (I worked in a bar) and found my husband and several of his friends partying in my living room and my 14 month old son tripping around with a bottle of straight tequila with a nipple on the top in his hand, drinking it! And there was cocaine all over the coffee table, too.
So I know exactly what you're going through.
But let me tell you this. And believe me, I do know what I'm talking about. If you continue to stay with him, He will eventually start beating your daughter too! I know you don't want that, and probably don't want to believe it. "He'd never hurt his daughter", right? WRONG! He will hurt her just as he's hurting you now.
One of the ladies before me gave you the number and web site of the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Use it and use it now!
Cica has obviously never been in this situation. Trying to talk to an abuser only makes the situation much worse each time you try. And the same goes for even suggesting marriage (or any other type of) counseling. Instead of helping the abuse just gets worse. And the more it intensifies, the sooner he'll start in on your daughter.
PLEASE call the hotline! Don't bother emailing them! You need help right now They will help you, even if you have no where to go. They will tell you where to go for safety.
Even if you have to leave everything including clothes behind, GET OUT of there now. Please! For your sake and the sake of your little girl!
I'm sure everyone who reads your story will be rooting for you. I know I am.
You both need counseling. Go alone as your husband will not. And, he needs to exit the household as he is damaging your daughter, child abuse! Begin today, call an abuse hot line and take their advise! They are there to help. Confide in a friend as an outlet and place to escape to. Think of your little girl; she is so innocent, but not any more from witnessing violence.
I won't advise you to do any more talking, whether it's to him or a higher power. You need to act. Whether he is sick or just a mean controling a#$%$#@, you have to leave and leave now.
I didn't and it almost cost me my unborn daughters life.
Sometimes, there are people who are just plain evil, and when..yes WHEN he turns on your precious daughter, you will be just as responsible because you didn't protect her.
These are harsh words, but they are true. Cops and counsellors alike will tell you that the longer you stay and keep asking them to save you, the sooner they will consider you the "girl who cried wolf" and stop trying if you won't help yourself.
Find someone to help you leave while he is at work. Take a bus or car to another city where he can't find you. Parents and friends are often the first choice but the most dangerous. Parents can sometimes be understanding but are from a generation that stays together no matter what.
Friends who want to help might want to keep him from coming over and harming them or their kids/pets/cars.
The movie "Enough" was a bit over the top, but it did have one redeeming line in it. "You have the primal and inalianable right to protect your offsping". (Close enough). If you don't, there will be two victims every single time this happens.
GRAPHIC WARNING: I helped to run the first Womans Shelter in Coos Bay, OR in the 70's when it just wasn't that popular. Client "X" came in 9 times and went back 10.
They found her tied to a piling under a bridge that led out to an oyster farm. We didn't know if the tide, the cold or the crabs got her. That is not a movie, it really happened.
If I thought praying would make you move and save yourself and your daughter, I would be typing on my knees.
The truth is, you have to value yourself and her enough to be brave, cut your losses and get the hell out.
Period.
Poor But Proud/Been There
Get out out of there! Go to a homeless shelter if you have to but get out for your own safety and your daughter's. Most men that abuse their wives eventually start to abuse the children, its a proven fact. Whatever your reasons for staying can not be as big as your urgent need to leave!!
In the state where I live if one partner allows the other to display violence in front of a child the child gets removed from the home. This is harsh I know but you are guilty of child abuse if you continue to allow this to go on. Leave or have your husband removed from the home and get a restraining order against him. You are waiting for your husband to change but he won't.
You know you do not have to live this way yet you are still there. For the sake of your child leave. If you do not then I hope someone calls the domestic abuse line on both of you and your child gets to go to a place where she does not have to be subject to it. If you want to stay and be abused it is your choice but your child deserves better and the law will take care of it, if you don't.
I am the daughter of a mother who was also physically, emotionally, mentally and verbally abused. I have to tell you, I resented my mother for allowing us children (there was 4 of us) to see this while we were growing up. She was suppose to protect us, he didn't abuse us physically, it was mentally and emotionally. We just thought she loved him more than she loved us.
My brother grew up thinking its ok to beat up and control women and my sister thought it was normal to get abused by your husband because he loves her. I grew up thinking that my children and I were never going to allow that in my life!
I have been married to the greatest man in the world for 25 years. Get you and your daughter out of that environment so that she doesn't grow up thinking that its normal for a man to abuse his wife and and children and its ok for women to put up with the abuse!
The time for talking is done and over with! Seven years? Holy Cow, he's not going to change! Ever! That kind of behavior escalates! Take the advice here to telephone the 800# Stella_Admin gave and do it right now! They will tell you what to do and most likely will find the nearest place for you locally to go to. Loss of material items and lack of money or your fear that keeps you from not doing the right thing is no excuse! Do you realize how much harm you are doing to your little girl?
This is going to follow her for the rest of her life! As soon as you get out of there get counseling for both you and for your daughter. She needs it! Don't you realize that he will turn that rage on your daughter? Don't you realize that you're teaching her it's okay to take abuse?
Also, you mention that there is a history of mental disorder in his family. She is half you and half him genetically! If she happens to carry the genes for mental disorder you could be adding hundred fold to the problems she already has and will face! When she starts counseling be sure to tell the counselor about the mental disorders on her daddy's side of the family.
Plain and simple, "Get Out Now!"
I would also be wary of going to a friend or family member and possibly endangering their lives as well. Go to an abused woman's shelter with your child, now! You say you can't leave- why? Has he threatened to kill you or your child or pet if you leave?
Can you discuss this with his family or with a minister?
Get out now! I am a retired psychologist with 35 years experience working with families and children who were abused. Talking with him when he is calm will not work. Your safety and the safety of your daughter are primary now. Value yourself and your daughter and get help immediately.
You can't get better advise than what you have been given here by, Cricketnc and Poor but Proud. Take it and get out of there Now. Please! before it is to late. Prayers going out for you and your child.
G G Vi
Abi, if your net access is limited, the national hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE.
Follow your natural instincts to protect you and your child. You are persons of great worth and dignity. God has a better plan for you. I am praying for you and to your guardian angels to get to a safe place. It would be nice if you could post again to let us know you are OK but only if it is safe to do so.
Rick
Take your daughter and run and don't look back! There is no man or marriage that is worth losing your life over. If he is as unstable as you say, he may also hurt your daughter. Here's a website that can help you no matter where in the world you are. www.helpguide.org/
Please contact them or someone who can help you leave. Sometimes we think that we should stay and try to work things out for our children, but when things turn abusive, it is time to go. Please take all of our advice and get out of there as soon as possible, before it's too late.
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